tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-140892792024-03-23T18:22:52.935+00:00Tunnocks Teacakes ForeverSpreading the gospel according to Tunnocks of Uddingston,Scotland; creators of the finest confection/biscuit known to mankind.
Currently kebabless, rootless and temporarily boozeless.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.comBlogger561125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-61895331020872429922010-09-16T23:57:00.002+01:002010-09-17T00:21:58.520+01:00PopeabilityLook, being the Pope is well great, you get to ride about in a big car with a hat. Wii and everything. I don't know what the Wii's for, but you can't blame me for that. I'm 86, if some Cardinal tells me that there's a wee facility in the Papal Chariot I'll wee while playing Wii Watersports.<br /><br />That Paisley was over today wearing his stupid hat, pah. I beat him at Wii Bowling and he's never got over it, loser<br /><br />I wish that Bhudda fellah was still about, he was a sour loser at the Crown Green Bowling but he always smiled about it.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-26060862277925418692010-09-08T23:19:00.002+01:002010-09-08T23:30:01.207+01:00FacetwatWhy am I bored by the inane? It's not as though there's anything wrong with inanity, I've tried it myself and have been quite adept at conjuring up the spirits of "I banged my leg on the coffee table today and I hate my boss" animus that is the secret of Facetwat.<br /><br />434 friends? Take 21. You know, this used to be fun.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-6110914160482184922010-08-31T00:01:00.000+01:002010-08-31T00:01:14.395+01:00The Mice ate my Mouse MatApparently the ending to (shock, horror) Agatha Christie's 'The Mousetrap' has been revealed. I'd do the relavent link if I could be arsed, but I'm just too overjoyed that the wonderful old St Martins Theatre may at long last fill its boots.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-18679458624375898942010-08-27T23:50:00.002+01:002010-08-28T00:00:30.884+01:00Talking TwaddlePark your car in the Fire Service car park because the petrol station is grid locked with camper vans, come back two minutes later with a newspaper and a bottle of juice and an idiot Ffireman is photographing your numberplate.<br /><br />There obviously wasn't enough room for his "appliance".garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-72457622860568602032010-02-27T02:22:00.008+00:002010-02-27T02:53:30.091+00:00Loquacios PugnaciosThe road to hell is paved with good intentions, a stitch in time saves nine, this is the best and worst of times.<br /><br />The Royal Bank of Scotland has failed to reach its Government suggested lending targets because business and individuals prefer not to borrow but to repay the usurers. Bollocks, they won't lend a penny to any individual or business at a rate of at least 7% above base (0.5%) Call the bastards in and nationalise them, now.<br /><br />Until we can borrow on reasonable terms there will be no investment and no job creation. Its time the moneylenders were put out of the temple for good.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-90931311154360437062010-02-21T00:23:00.003+00:002010-02-21T00:35:56.691+00:00Bullshit DetectorWhen this man speaks I enter kill and destroy mode:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKfRXR443NdeV2aNA1MP9onHzMsofyeZszX9L9qdLIhk2Dc-1o1zO2Bn23BEWMxG0WVsqukvOR3NNa36iiicaRiI6N4s2RWr0Y9j96fRtJIdSTXULcZI9F0vvXRcwTTKTPgYekgQ/s1600-h/al-gore-thumbs-up.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 331px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKfRXR443NdeV2aNA1MP9onHzMsofyeZszX9L9qdLIhk2Dc-1o1zO2Bn23BEWMxG0WVsqukvOR3NNa36iiicaRiI6N4s2RWr0Y9j96fRtJIdSTXULcZI9F0vvXRcwTTKTPgYekgQ/s400/al-gore-thumbs-up.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5440487259465517890" /></a><br />When this man speaks I enter kill and destroy mode:<br /><br />There, I've said it twice.<br /><br />He is worth losing the American Colonies for, but he's still not as bad as Tony Oleaginous Blair. We breed deluded idiots here as well.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-8391664260268335172010-02-13T22:41:00.005+00:002010-02-13T22:51:27.912+00:00Executive Coaching and Business Consultant<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/d6e4Zuw5sPU&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/d6e4Zuw5sPU&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />This is what you do when you've just been made redundant but have easily transferable skills of use in both the Public and Private sectors. A keen appreciation of the importance of empathy in successful team building and an up the flagpole and thinking out of the box blue sky mentality are your USP.<br /><br />Or you could do something useful and become a Fireman.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-66502622883970605992010-02-07T00:27:00.002+00:002010-02-07T00:39:56.462+00:00How Will You Look Old?Hairs growing out of my ears, a cemetery of eroded teeth, the total loss of cognizance?<br /><br />Fucking Google Ads. I'd rather have sex with Paris Hilton's dog than respond to that.<br /><br />Don't be evil, unless it enriches you.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-40678150257622748352010-01-31T00:07:00.009+00:002010-01-31T00:52:54.201+00:00She Walks in BeautyI am neither mad, bad, or dangerous to know. Except when I am, which isn't very often<br /><br />I wish I had not grown to a reasonable height. 5'4" seems to be the optimal height. Byron and Martin Amis have something in common but the former had the advantage of a club foot, the lucky bastard.<br /><br />I'm becoming more Shortist by the day. Death to the dwarves.<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/-trVpsBaxOc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/-trVpsBaxOc&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I was far too tall all my life, and rarely at eye level.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-624178736690100442010-01-29T23:42:00.004+00:002010-01-29T23:52:03.975+00:00Dangerous SportsI am Danger Mouse.<br /><br />Show me danger and I'm under the sofa, hiding in the wardrobe, or making excuses to the local Constabulary.<br /><br />Actually, I'm fitting a kitchen when I was made to wield a chainsaw with lethal intent. You don't want to get on the wrong end of my chainsaw. Do so, and I will force you to consume 3 Pot Noodles at a single sitting.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj3Z-8QEmZmuFuSWovrPoodR3beRl-fjv-i-T1AYfIrLIeRvMipNk17clWVCmigQxbo6nQyeQ1svSGvmMjMmNLlaV4Z5wLxmjKRWfNmLz09Xx110nHIz5-kYfFFw49OiKo6w7VaA/s1600-h/pot+noodle.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 350px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj3Z-8QEmZmuFuSWovrPoodR3beRl-fjv-i-T1AYfIrLIeRvMipNk17clWVCmigQxbo6nQyeQ1svSGvmMjMmNLlaV4Z5wLxmjKRWfNmLz09Xx110nHIz5-kYfFFw49OiKo6w7VaA/s400/pot+noodle.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5432313152615973346" /></a><br /><br />You have been warned.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-12897955735820844042010-01-21T23:30:00.006+00:002010-01-21T23:53:50.386+00:00BillyWatching Kenneth Branagh as Wallander last night I temporarily suspended my hatred of the man for being the worst Hamlet ever (apart from Gielgud, obviously) and remembered this:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/gM-5tINP6u8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/gM-5tINP6u8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Pure Soap Opera, but also a time capsule of life in the great triumvirate of cities: Belfast, Glasgow, and Liverpool. It's not so very long ago, but it's another world. Das, Aunties, Nans, and milk bottles with cream at the top and a silver lid. Outdoor toilets, the Racing Post, and the wee sleekit bastards that sneaked off before getting their round in.<br /><br />Would I want to go back? Yes and no.<br /><br />Community and a bar tab, there are worse things. Outdoor toilets and wee sleekit bastards I can do without.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-35131738512462053812010-01-18T22:09:00.002+00:002010-01-18T22:13:31.986+00:00Speedfreak<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_jmIYyskDM8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_jmIYyskDM8&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I've been dosed by Dr Feelgood. The shoulder is still there, but strangely it isn't. I could get used to this medication, but I wont. No pain, as the cliché goes, no gain.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-26196161948172576912010-01-15T23:11:00.003+00:002010-01-15T23:41:56.735+00:00Arse Over TitThere was I, skilfully negotiating the thawing permafrost with my trusty hiking pole when I had the grim misfortune to discover that six inches of glacier remained beneath the rapidly melting snow.<br /><br />Going backwards while accelerating rapidly is not a pleasant experience. Shoulder is very annoyed. Shoulder is irate. Thankfully skull is intact, not that cracking that at 30 mph would make much difference. It was cracked years ago.<br /><br />2010 and my arm's in a sling.<br /><br />Thankfully it's not my drinking arm. I am comfortably numb.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-19126249095229462582010-01-14T00:33:00.004+00:002010-01-14T01:01:55.150+00:00Vegetable Love?<span style="font-weight:bold;">To his Coy Mistress</span><br /><br />by Andrew Marvell<br /><br /><br />Had we but world enough, and time,<br />This coyness, lady, were no crime.<br />We would sit down and think which way<br />To walk, and pass our long love's day;<br />Thou by the Indian Ganges' side<br />Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide<br />Of Humber would complain. I would<br />Love you ten years before the Flood;<br />And you should, if you please, refuse<br />Till the conversion of the Jews.<br />My vegetable love should grow<br />Vaster than empires, and more slow.<br />An hundred years should go to praise<br />Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;<br />Two hundred to adore each breast,<br />But thirty thousand to the rest;<br />An age at least to every part,<br />And the last age should show your heart.<br />For, lady, you deserve this state,<br />Nor would I love at lower rate.<br /><br /> But at my back I always hear<br />Time's winged chariot hurrying near;<br />And yonder all before us lie<br />Deserts of vast eternity.<br />Thy beauty shall no more be found,<br />Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound<br />My echoing song; then worms shall try<br />That long preserv'd virginity,<br />And your quaint honour turn to dust,<br />And into ashes all my lust.<br />The grave's a fine and private place,<br />But none I think do there embrace.<br /><br /> Now therefore, while the youthful hue<br />Sits on thy skin like morning dew,<br />And while thy willing soul transpires<br />At every pore with instant fires,<br />Now let us sport us while we may;<br />And now, like am'rous birds of prey,<br />Rather at once our time devour,<br />Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.<br />Let us roll all our strength, and all<br />Our sweetness, up into one ball;<br />And tear our pleasures with rough strife<br />Thorough the iron gates of life.<br />Thus, though we cannot make our sun<br />Stand still, yet we will make him run.<br /><br />Absolutely Marvellous. I'm getting an allotment and plan to distribute prize marrows. It won't be 5 a day but at least nobody will be required to ingest celery when a large butter nut squash is available.<br /><br />Celery? <br /><br />What are butter beans for?<br /><br />I think I'll stick to shin of beef.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-84582678522431114752010-01-07T22:50:00.004+00:002010-01-08T19:48:43.315+00:00Shoot the Aged<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/09F51QNZIiY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/09F51QNZIiY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I have been roped in to the point of strangulation just because I have a quad bike and a couple of chain saws. This is most discomfiting because this week was supposed to be a wipe out.<br /><br />Unfortunately its turned out to be a white out. The crumblies have been shivering grievously so those of us males who are supposedly hale and hearty have been told to get chopping.<br /><br />This we have done gladly, in the sure and certain knowledge that a large dram for each of us will be guaranteed when we deposit some logs for their hearths.<br /><br />Nobody can claim that we are not altruistic to a fault.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-79413427178894752232010-01-05T22:53:00.005+00:002010-01-07T21:46:55.052+00:00My Nuts Have ShrivelledI'm snowed off. Christmas and New Years Eve both ruined by the necessity of riding a trailer endowed quad bike filled with turkeys, presents, luggage, complaining Great Aunts, and litre bottles of whisky up a steep hill liberally festooned with glaciers.<br /><br />Why must my guests insist on tramping all over the white stuff? It turns into the sort of impacted ice that a pick axe will merrily bounce off and perform a frontal lobotomy.<br /><br />And then one of them complained because his foul BMW 4 by 4 slid onto the bank despite his skilful use of his low ratio gearbox. He had a low ratio brain having been told in no uncertain terms not to attempt the ascent. Yes, knobs do drive BMW's. I left him to the RAC.<br /><br />My purple lined suede Hush Puppies have been ruined by the slush, the local shop has run out of booze because supply van drivers keep driving into snowdrifts and dying from hypothermia, and my meals on wheels service has been suspended indefinitely.<br /><br />Snow?<br /><br />Fuck it, I'm off to roast some nuts in Malawi. Preferably my own as they have been shrivelling alarmingly due to this perpetual cold.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-73702455912037479482010-01-01T23:02:00.003+00:002010-01-01T23:13:19.697+00:00Mr and Mrs Scotland<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/cG8J213_cS4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/cG8J213_cS4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />The beauty of New Year in Scotland is that it stops on the 31'st and doesn't start again until the 3'rd. It's even better when the Hog coincides with a weekend. That means we get the 3'rd off as well.<br /><br />Happy days.<br /><br />God help us come the 4'th. Some of us will remain standing in a queasy and unconvincing manner, but at least we'll have made it.<br /><br />Happy New Year.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-82610119569337141402009-12-30T01:02:00.009+00:002009-12-30T20:33:04.750+00:00EnunciationWhy do people insist on enunciating?<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/d90Ow7JK1Z0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/d90Ow7JK1Z0&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />You don't enunciate poetry, you read it. Why oh why is nobody aware of this fact? If I come across another fuckwit YouTube interpretation I will throw myself off the Clifton Suspension Bridge and float downstream merrily.<br /><br />This idiot is all over YouTube enunciating in a ridiculous fashion. It wouldn't be so bad if his intentions were comedic, unfortunately this is not the case. He is deadly serious and sometimes declaims while starring dolefully into his web cam. Will somebody Stateside please shoot him. <br /><br />Then there are the twats who animate famous poets mouths. Dylan Thomas on Botox anybody? Not bleedin' likely.<br /><br />And then they add music, which is just plain wrong:<br /><br /><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/y5ie4oScGTs&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/y5ie4oScGTs&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />No, no, no , no. You must die.<br /><br />It's official, I give up.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-34900791589518815412009-12-26T22:32:00.004+00:002009-12-26T23:38:08.491+00:00Paragon of Animals<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/faYSY7hWbRY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/faYSY7hWbRY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Good presents; a Longines watch courtesy of Madame (provenance uncertain but probably Hong Kong not Zurich), and also the Bluray release of <a href="http://www.play.com/DVD/Blu-ray/4-/8903130/withnail-and-i/product.html?_$ja=kw:withnail+and+i+bluray|cgn:Withnail+and+i||8903130|cgid:1812120349|tsid:11748|cn:PPCPM||BluRay||Classics|cid:47966899|lid:12015293899|mt:Exact|nw:search|crid:4948186369&gclid=CLCOoLCV9Z4CFcts4wodik09KA">Withnail and I</a> <br /><br />I am a happy Arctic bunny with my tail in the air. <br /><br />My liver is expanding and will probably explode come New Year, as will my lover's. <br /><br />So what? It can't be helped.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-22812409975273326502009-12-23T23:04:00.009+00:002009-12-24T00:19:46.559+00:00Fairytale of New York<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/zmrUkB6UElY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/zmrUkB6UElY&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I love Billy Bragg. A man of the people with a big hooter and a penchant for the poetic:<br /><br />I saw two shooting stars last night<br />I wished on them but they were only satellites<br />Is it wrong to wish on space hardware<br />I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care<br /><br />Unfortunately he's gone and done a collaboration with Florence and the Machine on the Pogues and Kirsty MacColl classic 'Fairytale of New York'. No Billy, no. It's a manful effort but you aint North London Irish and you still have a full complement of teeth. <br /><br /><object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/fQkLAhWsbi4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/fQkLAhWsbi4&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object><br /><br />I have buried the turkey in the snow, have wrapped the presents in my usual shambolic fashion, and have hidden the malt whisky where Uncle Samuel won't find it. The only remaining worry is whether I'll make it home from the Pub tomorrow night without falling in a ditch and dying from hypothermia. It was -10 C last night. If this continues for much longer defrosted corpses will be discovered next Spring.<br /><br />Happy Christmas.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-32722373793438780062009-12-21T21:24:00.003+00:002009-12-21T22:21:08.721+00:00Cat on a Cold Tin RoofI hate shopping: which is why when Christmas rears it's Bethlehem head I head for the hills, or thereabouts. Ostensibly this is a major shopping trip, the multifarious wishes of various relatives and potential wives to be to be catered for in a sensitive and caring fashion over a 5 day period.<br /><br />Of course this is not the case; it's merely an opportunity to idle in the public house for slightly longer than is strictly healthy . I've always found that gifting requires long contemplation; especially when a beer pump and a cheery barmaid are on tap.<br /><br />Snow is a bonus. Why should I be expected to trudge through the white stuff in my immaculate suede Hush Puppies? "When the cars are wearing white hats it is time to repair to the Public House". That's what my Great Uncle Cecil said, and he wasn't far wrong.<br /><br />Unfortunately I hit the 4th day today and had to trudge through the slush. Four trips to the car and back it took me, fortified only by a sausage and egg Macmuffin and several roll ups.<br /><br />I was clean bushed by lunchtime and had to repair to the public house for several large sherries.<br /><br />Tonight, surrounded by carrier bags full of stuff that nobody wants, I happened to look out of the hotel room window. A cat had been prancing about dotting it's prints about the chimney pots and producing an accurate outline of the Indian Sub Continent.<br /><br />This got me thinking.<br /><br />Why didn't I bring my air rifle? I'd have nailed the varmint in an instant.<br /><br />I'm not as bad as my Great Uncle George. When he stayed in hotels he always kept a rope in his suitcase so he could abseil in the event of a firegarferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-72033437334588621722009-12-19T19:12:00.007+00:002009-12-21T18:56:36.552+00:00Noughtied<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/iQhh4Xs8RcM&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/iQhh4Xs8RcM&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />Everywhere I look there are retrospectives on what is alternatively the decade from hell or a bright shiny interregnum before the inevitable collapse of the West in the face of the burgeoning might of the dragon and tiger.<br /><br />Then there's climate change; the soothsayers, the deniers, and the zealots.<br /><br />I'm afraid that the decade that is about to expire is a bit of a blur for me. What I do remember, and still sometimes think about, is the response to 9/11 in this country. I was in Perth, ensconced in a pub (blurred), when a plane hit a tower. Nobody could deal with it, it was as if a video game had suddenly usurped the rolling news. Then the second plane hit and there was a dumbfounded silence. That's us I thought, they're us.<br /><br />The rest of it? The net, the pods, the vacuous celebrity, the music, the films, the wars. I couldn't really give a toss. A low dishonest decade, and we're living with the consequences.<br /><br />I can't believe I'll be living in the 10's. I'm a 50's man, and would me much more at home cruising around in a Jaguar XK150 roadster with a boot full of malt whisky and a floosie in a silk headscarf elegantly tipping cigarette ash into the slipstream.<br /><br />One can but dream.<br /><br />Facebook (Facetwat) and Twitter (Twatter) have no appeal whatsoever. Txting destroyed literacy, Gawd know what the latter will do. I'm not Linkedin and I am not a 123 Person. If anyone accuses me of being either I will come round to their house and force them to read poetry at gunpoint.<br /><br />I might even force them to have sex with Carol Ann Duffy. That should be enough to put anybody off their porridge, unless they fancy a 3 way with Andrew Motion, Carol, and Ted Hughes (deceased).<br /><br />Perhaps this will be the next big thing for the 10's. Group sex with poets. It'll be less 'Oh baby yes!' and more 'If I should meet you after long years, how should I greet thee, with silence or tears'. Let's face it, the latter is long enough for a multiple.<br /><br />Multiplication was never my strong point, and I was useless at long division.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-9318074930067734812009-12-13T23:20:00.001+00:002009-12-13T23:57:42.954+00:00Craft Work<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_ruj8qgkV9k&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_ruj8qgkV9k&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><br />I hate craft workers. Rubbish hand thrown pots, stupid macramé, and crap water colours.<br /><br />At least it's Christmas and nobody will be foisting painted eggs on me.<br /><br />I had to plumb recently. It destroyed my belief in a benevolent and loving God.<br /><br />Plumbing drives me round the U bend. <br /><br />Which is why I'm writing in sentences<br /><br />Paragraphs give me indigestion.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-52436642095210043922009-12-11T22:52:00.003+00:002009-12-12T00:12:18.889+00:00Glasgow AcademyPrivilege starts early, and it seduces.<br /><br />Clean architecture, a prep school, and a matron. Not much else to ask for, apart from a Union Flag above the History classroom blackboard (quaint huh?) and compulsory enrolment in the Cadets. The offer of a sure-fire Officer post in the British Army (Black Watch: second cousins of the royal regiment of scotland , twice removed) was inevitable.<br /><br />I would have, but I hate being told what to do. Why? Let's eradicate their poppy fields so they can't feed themselves, let's ignore a farce of an election, let's imagine we haven't been there before.<br /><br />I'm giving up being a Quaker; I've decided to become a Pashtun and impose the code of the Pashtunwillie. It's an unforgiving code that consigns those who err, (and their children's children's children) to generations of righteous retribution.<br /><br />Surges worry me;, having ejaculated in various senses over the years I fear that the jinns are coming home to annoy me. <br /><br />And who can blame them?<br /><br />Bastard jinns, annoying my happiness.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14089279.post-66197914267904280742009-12-08T23:26:00.003+00:002009-12-09T00:09:55.851+00:00TrembliesFrank, my banker, is in a state of high dudgeon. My brother in law, while discussing his overdraft arrangements, was shocked to be told that "I suppose you think I'm the big bad wolf now?". Bruv replied, quite reasonably, "No, I think you're a big fat idiot".<br /><br />I feel for Frank. All those large lunches paid for on the Bank credit card have settled on his infeasibly large number of chins and huge posterior.<br /><br />It's tough enough when you're trying to do your bit for clean living in difficult circumstances, it's even worse when my proxy relatives start abusing you in public. The worrying thing is, I think he enjoys it. Frank that is, not Bruv.<br /><br />Shout at the fat fuckers; sometimes you get results.<br /><br />We've all been screwed and we can't borrow at reasonable rates. Mr Darling, he of the white hair and improbably black eyebrows, is about to announce a windfall tax on the bonuses of the leeches that caused this mess. It's for one year only.<br /><br />If they don't like it they can fuck off to Zurich and wank over their Toblerone.garferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11886540088842849166noreply@blogger.com1