20 T'ings Aboot Garfer

I am addicted to Tunnocks Teacakes.

I am addicted to kebabs (which are hard to come by where I live).

I was once a member of the Communist Party of Great Britain (for two weeks).

I fall in love with inappropriate and unattainable women (see P J Harvey and Tracey Emin).

I am not in love with, nor have I been in love with, THE ROCK.

I once had a bag of laundry blown up by the bomb squad. I wouldn’t have minded, but they were my favourite Y fronts

I believe that eviscerating all caravanners would be an act of immense benefit to all humanity.

When pissed I leave fuckwit comments on blogs. I also do it when sober, but not as often.

I am convinced that Herge Smith has been abducted by aliens.

I like to have a bit of a swear on my blog. Cussing clears the nostrils in a much more effective manner than nasal decongestants.

I am a pathetic physical coward, but I would make quite a good sniper.

I am male, therefore I like lists.

I think Jaguar cars (proper old ones) are sexy.

People who squeeze toothpaste from the wrong end of the tube are wasteful tossers.

I once met Kirsty Wark. She was a dwarf: but quite sexy as dwarves go.

I once read ‘War and peace’. Not that I can remember fuck all about it.

I think that all politicians are vainglorious wankers.

I believe that people who advocate euthanasia should be shot.

I would legalise all hard drugs, including Buckfast and Benylin.

I am convinced that Wyndham the Triifid is suffering from a temporary bout of bloggers block. I feel that his stinger will soon be back at its most lethal.