Some names are just rubbish.
Kenneth for example. Anyone who allows themselves to be called Kenneth in public probably has buck teeth, big hairy ears, and the most execrable dress sense this side of Elton John. Even the diminutive 'Ken' sucks. It evokes images of youth club leaders who like to fiddle with their bits in public. As for 'Kenny', that's just pure Country 'n' Western retard material.
Then there's Richard. Not such a bad name in itself. It wouldn't be so bad if people called Richard called themselves Richard. Unfortunately they don't: it has to be 'Rick', 'Dickie', 'Rickie', or 'Richie'. I feel inclined to assault them with my surfboard.
I'm not telling you my name. It's not as bad as Ebeneezer or Nebuchadnezzar, or quite as embarassing as Rupert, but it's still mildy discomfiting.
If only I'd been called Harrison. Things could have turned out so differently.
Confession time:
ReplyDeleteMy actual first name is Colin - a name reserved for sitcom pets and the type of man who wears novelty ties. Alex is my middle name. Fortunately nobody calls "Colin" any more. Not even my mother, who prefers "ColinIMeanAlex" instead.
Colin also has kiddie fiddling connotations.
ReplyDeleteAlex is more like it. Delete your middle C.
Ken Barlow.
ReplyDeleteKen Carson (Barbie doll's boyfriend) ... has no penis.
I've often wondered if Barbie castrated him after he suggested they indulge in some vile sexual perversions.
ReplyDeleteAction Man doesn't have a penis either.
I'm going to be wondering about your discomfiting real name for the rest of the day.
ReplyDeleteI'm certain it has to be one of the following:
Percival
Archibald
Norman
Hubert
Theodore
Heathcliff
Woodrow
Mortimer
Sebastian
Gaylord
SIDney
Am I right?
Wrong on all counts.
ReplyDeleteIt's actually Theophilus P Wildebeest III.
What does the P stand for?
ReplyDeletePADDY?
Philodopodopolis actually.
ReplyDeleteMe ma was Greek.
I feel your pain.
ReplyDelete(real name withheld)
What a shocking piece of vitriol aimed at a defenceless minority! I hope you are ashamed of yourself!!
ReplyDeleteThere is absolutely nothing embarrassing about names whatsover.
Yours defensively and disgustedly,
Nobby Flangefiller,
Loose Sphincter Cottage,
Bognor Regis.
Geography is a factor too. For instance, Gerard can be ok in Ireland but the moment you get off the ferry it's fey.
ReplyDeleteWoops. It's not "Gerard" is it?
ok.
ReplyDeleteI'm here.
now that i'm here, are you going to fuck off again for parts unknown with nary a word? or blog on alternate thursdays during the dark of the moon? short, angsty posts full of shortness and angst?
huh?
bring it, garfy.
...and your name is probably something like 'Weaselbutt Flaphanger Mc Pancreas bar Sinister Onsize Fitzhall.'
ReplyDelete...and you probably have a big tulip bulb up your butt too.
..I MISSSSSSED YOUUUUUUUU!!!!!
ReplyDelete*runs off sobbing*
I reckon your name is Garfield.
ReplyDeleteCat.
Edward's OK but Edgar isn't.
ReplyDeleteMy real name is fairly easy to pronounce, but people decide it's unpronouncable and say "that sounds foreign - is it Polish?" so I'm not going to pass judgement on anyone who has an embarrassing name. Instead, I blame the parents, who are cunts.
ReplyDeleteI don't dare comment - I'm bound to offend someone!
ReplyDeleterimshot
ReplyDeleteThanks for your heartfelt concern.
reg
'bugger Bognor' (George V)
arabella
You share a name with the heartless cow who tortured poor Jude Fawley in 'Jude the Obscure'. For shame.
FN
There are no weasels in Ireland, but there are stoats. So there.
SID
Roland Rat more like.
Kaz
All Edgars have waxed moustashes. Tossers.
betty
Polish? I could do with another cleaner. I might even pay you the minimum wage, if I like you.
Offend away Mopsa. It's a popular sport roound these parts.
ReplyDeleteIs the pig-killing scene with Arabella better than the hanging scene with Sue? I've never been able to choose. You decide.
ReplyDeleteI like the bit were Jude dies and Arabella goes to the pub.
ReplyDeleteHad her priorities right that girl.
You try being a Bronwen in the US. It's not easy, what with everyone mispronouncing, misspelling, and asking stupid questions like "Gee, guess your parents really wanted a boy, huh?"
ReplyDeleteArthur Garfer has a nice ring to it.
Bronwen sounds like an Ewok name. A Welsh Ewok that is.
ReplyDeleteBarfer Garfer sounds even better.
Timothy and Philip are soft shite names that need beaten up. I'm ashamed to say that after the whole Kenneth Williams/ Dickie Davis sex scandal I trolled round the streets of Killamory looking for gheys with the "Mallon" streak in their hair to kill, didn't find any but its not the serial killing its the thought that counts.
ReplyDeleteAppaently Kenneth and Dickie had a love child. A mini Freddie Mercury with a full on Mallon streak.
ReplyDeleteWhipsnade Zoo does viewings on a Thursday (invitation only).
Another rubbish name...
ReplyDeleteKevin.
And Tracey, and Gavin.
ReplyDeleteTodd.
ReplyDeleteTodds are bonehead American football players who flip burgers.
ReplyDeleteLet's not get started on American names.
ReplyDelete*whispers Bubba*
How about Canadian names?
ReplyDelete*whispers MJ*
We have a chewing gum over here called 'Hubba Bubba'.
ReplyDeleteCanucks all have stupid names, especially the French ones.
Thanks SID and Garfy. Turn it around to Canuckistan, will you?
ReplyDeleteRight then. What's so funny about these French-Canadian boys' names?
Gaston
Remy
Sylvain
Jean-Marius
Jean-Claude
Basically, all you have to do is take the name "Jean" and add another name onto it, e.g. "Jean-Guy," and you've named your baby in French Canada.
Why don't we do one on stupid Irish names?
ReplyDeleteMick, Paddy, Seamus, SID.
Stupid Irish names? Don't be ridiculous. We sport the likes of
ReplyDeleteCuchulain and ....er....Bono.
Nuff said.