Thursday, June 28, 2007

I'm in the Mood for Dancing



My hayfever kicked off rather badly this year so I asked my GP for some anti-histamines. They were very effective, especially when combined with vodka and coke. They also had the strange side effect of giving me vivid dreams.

Vivid dreams usually involve unlikely sexual gymnastics, or morbid premonitions of impending death. I suppose its got summat to do with the sex and death nexus. Mine were no exception, and I woke with a serious case of the night sweats on a number of occasions.

I had one recurring dream (nightmare) involving group sex with the Nolan sisters and a troupe of depraved performing dwarves. God knows what suppressed traumas lurk in my past to explain such bizarre dreams. It's not as though I've ever taken LSD, or fought off kiddie fiddlers during my tender years.

I think I'll consult my mate Caitlin. She has a degree in geography and psychology, so she's a past master at finding her way around her own head.

I just hope she can help with mine.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

All Things Bright and Beautiful


All hangovers are vile, but those which also entail a nasty dose of the squits are particularly revolting.

After a heavy night on the tequila sunrises in Cyprus last year, I was unfortunate enough to experience the full blown pig behind the eyes/erupting intestines experience. This would have been bad enough in Blighty, but given the Greek Cypriot genius for drain construction it was hellish.

It mystifies me why these people experienced 80 odd years of good belt and braces British governance, and still can't sort out their sewerage arrangements. Their drains are so useless that they won't accept a single sheet of toilet paper without blocking and disgorging their contents all over your en suite bathroom. Consequently, you are expected to dispose of your wipings in a metal bin thoughtfully provided next to the big white telephone.

This is a distasteful practice at the best of times, but it is most emphatically not on when one is suffering a nasty attack of the squits.

This was my predicament. In my befuddled state I decided to go into a nearby hotel and avail myself of their facilities. Better some effluent on their floor than mine thought I. As I reversed my posterior onto the khazi, I happened to glance down only to see three cockroaches emerging from the toilet brim with their feelers a go- go.

These weren't any old cockroaches, these were Giant American Cockroaches and the bastards had WINGS. I was out of there quicker than an Olympic sprinter with a wasp up his arse.

They have Giant Hissing Cockroaches in Madagascar. Apparently there are sickos out there who like to keep them as pets. I think I'll give Madagascar a miss.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Of Pimps and Popes



I'm sure that everyone will be delighted to learn that the Right Hon Anthony 'pretty straight kinda guy' Blair will continue to bestride the globe like a toothy colossus when he ceases to be PM. Apparently he plans to sort out the Middle East, African poverty, female circumcision, and lots of other stuff. Phew. It'll be great when that lot's sorted.





TONY BLEUUURGH



Rumour has it that he is also to anounce his conversion to Catholicism. I'm sure that his holiness is rubbing his palms at the prospect. Good 'ole Tones well known commitment to civil partnerships, stem cell research, pre marital sex, and contraception make him the perfect advocate for the modern Church.


CHERIE BLEUUURGH






If I was his Popeness I would think twice before accepting Tony's genuflections. If he starts entertaining Catholic youth groups with his stratocaster and Jaggeresque hip gyrations in an attempt to, like, get with the kids, the consequences will be unthinkable. The prospect of a prancing tit like Blair singing 'Kumbaya My Lord' will lead to a mass exodus to join the Seventh day Adventists, or one of the rattlesnake worshipping cults that thrive in Boise, Idaho.



I'm convinced that the whole business is a set up job by the Rev Ian (sodomy emerges from the pit of hell) Paisley to discredit the one true Church.



Something will have to be done.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Must have GSOH


It is an undeniable fact that I am, sadly, less of a hit with the lovely laydeez than I used to be. This is a most unfortunate state of affairs. I don't understand it really: I dont have a beer gut, halitosis, a hare lip, or an embarassing bowel complaint. I actually look reasonably presentable; at a distance, in dim light.

Perhaps living in the boondocks means that I have just run through the available totty, or perhaps the available totty is just through with me. I wouldn't blame them.

I've been perusing the personal columns recently. The problem with these is that you have to work out the coded meanings. A mature bubbly brunette who likes long walks in the countryside translates as an elderly bloater who dresses in dungarees and wellingtons, and laughs at her own jokes. The male entries are easier to translate. A fifty something, solvent, businessman seeking uncomplicated fun with a potential soulmate is actually a married bloke looking for afternoon shags with no strings attached.

Then there are the acronyms: WLTM, GSOH, NS. In my case the definition of 'good' sense of humour would have to include the words warped and perverse. As for the no smoking, I am a committed roll up artiste and have no intention of changing my ways to satisfy the whim of a mere girly.

I think my only hope may lie in producing a pithy, to the point entry that the goddess of my dreams will find utterly irresistable.

I've decided to use the late great Jeffrey Bernard's 'blind, alcoholic amputee seeks sympathy fuck'.

Apparently it never fails.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

BIFF BANG POW!


ANIMAL

IT is a truth universally acknowledged, that a rock star in possession of a £10 million fortune must be in want of an enema.


All rock stars are arseholes, it's just that some are more rectally challenged than others. It's probably unfair to pick on an individual, but Bono definitely deserves a mention. It's not so much that he's a sanctimonious self righteous git, it's more that he insists on wearing leather trousers. No male with stumpy legs should do this under any circumstances. The only men who wear leather trousers these days (apart from the unfunny tosser Russell Brand) are bikers, and they're all homosexualists who like to stand outside pubs drinking pints of orange juice.


Bono's diminutive pins encased in cowhide are the principal reason why I would rather place my head in the toilet and flush repeatedly than listen to U2.


When I say rock star, I'm really referring to vocalists and lead guitarists. Bass players are usually OK, they just stand there contentedly plucking their four strings. They aren't what you'd call heroic, but they aren't actively offensive either.


All drummers are acceptable. They're either borderline certifiable (Keith Moon, John Bonham), or all round top geezers (Ringo Star, Roger Taylor, Danny Goffey)


The best of the lot is Dave Grohl (OK, he's a multi-instrumentalist). Whenever he tours with the Foo Fighters he always takes his mother with him.


Now that's what I call rock 'n' roll.





Monday, June 18, 2007

The Unrelenting Cheerful

I'm sure that everyone has encountered the unrelenting cheerful, there's a lot of them about. Frankly they scare me to death. I'm concerned that one of these days they will suffer an existential crisis, realise the true hideousness and futility of existence, and run amok with a chainsaw.

You have to admit it's a worry.

This is why I don't go outside very often.

Friday, June 15, 2007

A Pain in the Arras

It's annoying when people try to make you like things. It usually has the effect of making you despise them even more.

My Uncle Raymond is convinced that BMW's are the acme of automotive cool. I have always regarded them as prickmobiles, and his ill advised advocacy has only served to confirm the rightness of my view.

I used to feel the same way about Shakespeare and Charles friggin' Dickens. Teachers trying to shove those two down my craw produced what I fully expected to be a life long antipathy.

"Falstaff is one of the finest comic creations in literature."

Discuss.

"Falstaff is a fat, unfunny, drunken bloater."

'Hamlet' was the worst. People hiding behind curtains so they could jump out and stab people didn't strike me as very frightening. The play within a play was shite. Ophelia was a whinging cow. Rozencrantz and Guildernstern had stupid names and, being dead, weren't even in the play.

I still remember the groans and muffled "oh for fuck's sake" elicited by the announcement that an amateur dramatic troupe would be visiting to treat us to a performance of 'the Tempest'.
It wasn't so bad actually, as the longueurs were mitigated by Miranda's tit popping out half way through the second act. Rather a fine tit it was to, as I recall.

I appreciate Shakespeare these days and, to be honest, I prefer Charles Dickens to a lot of the post modern garbage that masquerades as the modern literary novel.

Funny how things change.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Let's Invade Canada

Professor James Lovelock, author of the Gaia theory, has claimed that within fifty years global warming will have rendered most of the northern hemisphere uninhabitable. The only areas suitable for human habitation will be the British Isles, Canada, and Siberia.

We'll be all right. We can arm our hoards of disability benefit scroungers with catapults and deploy them at strategic points around the coast to beat off the beastly foreigners.

The Russians will cope as well. They have had plenty of experience labouring in Soviet penal camps in the frozen tundra.

It's the Canadians I feel sorry for. Everyone knows that the Yankees have been itching to invade for the last three hundred years. I don't know how the gorgeous April will cope when the 101st Airborne Division land on her front lawn and demand pancakes with maple syrup.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Name 'em and Shame 'em

Ginger (apparently)

Much to my chagrin I have yet again not been included in the Time magazine list of 'The 100 Most Influential People in The World'. This is annoying to say the least, and it's not the first time its happened. I write letters of remonstration to the editorial board every year and not once have they deigned to reply.

I wouldn't mind so much, but that little thicko from Croydon, Kate Moss, is included every year.

Tsk.

I couldn't help noticing that a good two thirds of the great and the good hale from the US. This is also annoying as all right thinking people know that we were much better at running the world than they are.

I've been ruminating on the reasons for American success. I suppose a vibrant immigrant culture, technological innovation, and a 'can do' attitude have all played their part. More than this, however, I suspect it may have something do with their propensity to call each other stupid names.

Newt Gingrich anyone? Gore Vidal? The latter conjures up a mental image of a hairdresser being charged by a randy bull.

Having sod all to do today, I've been trying to think up some suitable names for the Americans. So far I've come up with Henderson Baines III, Taylor D Franklin, and Demetrious K Breedlove Jr. Somewhere in that great nation I am sure there must be individuals who glory in such monikers.

We Britons have sensible names like John Smith, John Thomas (har har), and James Proudfoot. There may even be someone out there who glories in the appellation Ginger Minge.

I'm so excited by the prospect that I'm off to check the UK telephone directory.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Happy Days Toytown



My peripatetic urges having been somewhat assuaged, I decided to venture a bit closer to home last week.

Perth (Scotland, not Australia), is a strange sort of place. It's one of those odd prosperous British towns that has a population composed of 50% skinny latte ladies who lunch and 50% working class oiks clad in track suits.

Being away from home for a protracted length of time has the advantage of allowing you to appreciate the strangeness of your native environment with fresh eyes. I've reached the conclusion that I live in the oddest country on the face of the planet. Not only does everyone talk funny, they are also fundamentally mad.

Still, it's good to be back amongst me ain folk. The menfolk are still suited and booted, play instruments in Salvation Army brass bands, drink far more than is good for them, and beat up their womenfolk. The womenfolk are thankfully still displaying far too much naked flesh and wobbling around with mobile phones glued to their ears.

Where could possibly be nicer?

Monday, May 28, 2007

I remember her well in the Chelsea hotel

Jane.

It's a simple name, a monosyllable. Sometimes it's combined with the words calamity and plain.

The Jane that I knew and loved was a calamity but she was most emphatically not plain.

She was a Welsh girl from Newport, Gwent. A slim pert breasted brunette with a French bob whose fingers entwined, melded, and melted into mine the first time we held hands.

When she told me was leaving me she still stayed the night. She really, really shouldn't have done that. When she left the next morning I inhaled her scent from my towels and cried hard bitter tears.

I hated her for years.

I don't hate her now. Being older (although certainly none the wiser) I now recognise that she was a profoundly damaged personality before we met.

I think everyone finds a great love in their life. When you find that it's not the longevity of the relationship that's important, it's the intensity. That girl gave me more in the space of eighteen months than any daft male has a right to expect in a lifetime.

We shared baths full of bubbles and threw rubber ducks at each other. I shaved her legs once and nicked her shin with the razor. A small shimmering globule of blood appeared. She looked down and I looked down. We looked up into each others eyes and laughed.

If someone gives you the sensuality, tactileness, and profound love that girl bestowed on me you should be profoundly grateful.

My dear, dear lost girl. My true peer and contemporary whose dreams and memories I curate.

I try not to think of her that often.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Southern Harmony and Musical Companion



There's no getting away from the fact that I'm Scots-Irish. Despite this I've always been slightly discombobulated by my education amongst the sons and daughters of the impoverished Anglo-Irish aristocracy. This has left me with a West Briton cricket, rugby, and Trinity College Dublin aspect to my character that is about much practical use as a chocolate teapot.

The Scots-Irish really are the ultimate white tribe. They left Scotland because they were Presbyterian conventers who were prevented from excercising their rights of free assembly by the Anglican establishment. They moved to Ulster only to find that the damn Anglos were there as well. Naturally, they upped sticks and moved to Kentucky, Virginia, and the Ohio river valley. They made up a quarter of the population of the nascent United States in 1776. George Washington rightly commented that if it hadn't been for their proficiency with long rifles he would have been up shit creek without a paddle.

If anyone wants to understand the contemporary American mentality they can forget about the Pilgrim fathers, Boston Brahmins, and frat boys parking their cars in the Harvard Yard. They are the Scots-Irish. They like going to church, drinkin' 'n' fightin', and oiling their guns. Bill Clinton, Miss Dolly Parton, Jerry Lee Lewis, Billy Graham. Take your pick, it's obvious where their mentalities originate.

You have to give them their dues. They are without doubt the most generous and hospitable people ever to have looked up at the moon and said 'eh?'. Having said that, I wouldn't cross them if I were you. They are potentially lethal.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A Martian Writes a Postcard Home

I've reluctantly come to the conclusion that I will never understand women. As age and decrepitude exerts it ineluctable grip I am increasingly of the opinion that it is better to sit in a corner humming to oneself than attempt to have a conversation with one of these strangely alluring creatures.

I've pondered the question of what motivates them for years. I think it's something in their gait. It's not so much that they wobble but that they walk with the unerring accuracy and intent of an exocet missile.

Here we males are quietly minding or going about our own business when we find ourselves zapped. Admittedly we end up in bed with them, which is a reasonably favourable outcome. Unfortunately, within a period of between twelve and eighteen months they walk off in the opposite direction even when we haven't said or done anything.

I spend my life in a haze of dust and small pebbles.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Eleanor Rigby




'Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where her wedding has been, lives in a dream'.

When I was twelve a student teacher handed out a page of text to my class and instructed us to open our ears. She then pressed play on a cassette recorder. The world changed.

We don't listen to the Beatles much these days. We dont need to. They're us.

Apologies for the blogging hiatus. Life happened when I was making other plans.

Carry on.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Toothtastic



I had an unfortunate altercation with my dentist last year. My decrepit cemetery of eroded enamel had been excellently treated by an Edinburgh qualified dentist who actually knew what he was doing, even if he wasn’t prepared to offer NHS (pig iron) fillings.

I turned up at my next appointment only to find myself foisted off with a mad Ukrainian bint who may have cut the mustard with Nikita Khrushchev but frankly scared me to death. I don’t know whether it was the length of her nose, her halitosis, or the insouciance with which she wielded her drill, but I wasn’t having it.

I complained to the receptionist who, with the delusions of grandeur common to all semi educated idiots who are allowed to wear white coats and twirl pens, informed me that the practice was under a lot of pressure and that Ms Bignoseoffski was highly qualified. I was slightly miffed and expressed my concerns in a very reasonable and moderate fashion.

I was struck off.

Not only is NHS dental treatment not available in most of Scotland; you can’t even get private treatment without queuing (I don’t queue). Ten years ago the geniuses who govern us decided that two dental hospitals was one too many. Now we’re all walking around grinning like the Artful Dodger circa 1860.

That’s why I’m off to Budapest in a couple of months. A two week holiday with some serious remedial dental work thrown in costs the same as travelling two hours each way by car twice a week to get the same work done here.

Bollocks to my carbon footprint.

I won’t be getting pummelled by any big boned Hungarian mommas in a Turkish bath though. Humongous pastries are more my style.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Ooh La La

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5CS8nHMyN-w

The first year I can really remember (well, bits of it anyway) is 1972. I remember April because it was my birthday and I went to the Odeon with my best mate Rajiv and watched ‘the Jungle book’. We had enough change left to visit Mr Penney’s sweet shop afterwards and stock up on essential supplies.

In other respects 1972 wasn’t so good. The windows used to rattle every time the IRA rabble exploded another bomb and the pavements were covered in dog turds that for some inexplicable reason turned white after a couple of days. Odd that.

I’d like to claim that I was a huge Faces fan at the time, but in truth I was more likely to be groovin’ on down to Pinky and Perky singing ‘White Christmas’.

I’ll never forgive Rod Stewart for breaking up the Faces. He was lead vocalist with this wonderful, wonderful band and he chose to trade them in for some frilly blouses, a pair of leopard skin trousers and a Lamborghini Miura. Rarely has a man with such an immaculate talent prostituted himself so completely..

At its best this music is about generosity of spirit. The Faces took what their audience gave them and threw it back to them with bells on. Other bands have done something similar but, with the possible exception of the Clash, nobody has done it better.
.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Irish People in New York

Why do Irish people, north and south, develop stupid transatlantic accents ten seconds after stepping off the plane?

Exhibit 1: “ Aym from a l’ll ole town called Dungaynon in Eyerland. Wanna another?
Fuck off and enunciate.

Exhibit 2: Van Morrison.

The English, Scots, and Welsh, don’t suddenly start talking like brain dead buffoons just because they’ve crossed the Atlantic.

I’m thinking of emigrating. I can start a school for elocution. No Irish mongs who imagine that the patois from “Goodfellas’ is something to aspire to need apply.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Revolution in the Head

From “Autumn Journal” (Part IX)
By Louis MacNeice

October comes with rain whipping around the ankles
In waves of white at night
And filling the raw clay trenches (the parks of London
Are a nasty sight).
In a week I return to work, lecturing, coaching,
As impresario of the Ancient Greeks
Who wore the chiton and lived on fish and olives
And talked philosophy or smut in cliques;
Who believed in youth and did not gloze the unpleasant
Consequences of age;
What is life, one said, or what is pleasant
Once you have turned the page
Of love? The days grow worse, the dice are loaded
Against the living man who pays in tears for breath;
Never to be born was the best, call no man happy
This side death.
Conscious — long before Engels — of necessity
And therein free
They plotted out their life with truism and humour
Between the jealous heaven and the callous sea.
And Pindar sang the garland of wild olive
And Alcibiades lived from hand to mouth
Double-crossing Athens, Persia, Sparta,
And many died in the city of plague, and many of drouth
In Sicilian quarries, and many by the spear and arrow
And many more who told their lies too late
Caught in the eternal factions and reactions
Of the city-state.
And free speech shivered on the pikes of Macedonia
And later on the swords of Rome
And Athens became a mere university city
And the goddess born of the foam
Became the kept hetæra, heroine of Menander,
And the philosopher narrowed his focus, confined
His efforts to putting his own soul in order
And keeping a quiet mind.
And for a thousand years they went on talking,
Making such apt remarks,
A race no longer of heroes but of professors
And crooked business men and secretaries and clerks,
Who turned out dapper little elegiac verses
On the ironies of fate, the transience of all
Affections, carefully shunning an over-statement
But working the dying fall.
The Glory that was Greece: put it in a syllabus, grade it
Page by page
To train the mind or even to point a moral
For the present age:
Models of logic and lucidity, dignity, sanity,
The golden mean between opposing ills
Though there were exceptions of course but
only exceptions
The bloody Bacchanals on the Thracian hills.
So the humanist in his room with Jacobean panels
Chewing his pipe and looking on a lazy quad
Chops the Ancient World to turn a sermon
To the greater glory of God.
But I can do nothing so useful or so simple;
These dead are dead
And when I should remember the paragons of Hellas
I think instead
Of the crooks, the adventurers, the opportunists,
The careless athletes and the fancy boys,
The hair-splitters, the pedants, the hard-boiled sceptics
And the Agora and the noise
Of the demagogues and the quacks; and the women pouring
Libations over graves
And the trimmers at Delphi and the dummies at Sparta
and lastly
I think of the slaves.
And how one can imagine oneself among them
I do not know;
It was all so unimaginably different
And all so long ago.

Something happened in Greece over a very short period of time. Art, theatre, literature, philosophy,and science were created in that crucible. We're still living with the consequences.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

September has come, It is hers whose vitality leaps in the autumn,

Whose nature prefers
Trees without leaves and a fire in the fire-place;
So I give her this month and the next
Though the whole of my year should be hers who has rendered already
So many of its days intolerable or perplexed
But so many more so happy;
Who has left a scent on my life and left my walls
Dancing over and over with her shadow,
Whose hair is twined in all my waterfalls
And all of London lilttered with remembered kisses.

- Louis MacNeice, "Autumn Journal"

Friday, February 23, 2007

Piggy in the Middle




Iraq is one of the most unhappy outcomes of British imperialism. Carved from the coprse of the Ottoman Emire after the first world war it is a country that should never have been. Cobbling together Kurds, Shiites, and Sunnis and flying in a Hashemite monarch from Jordan to govern the place was hardly conducive to long term stability.

Britain is withdrawing troops because nothing more can be done. The endless dripfeed of news reports on soldiers killed by roadside bombs has sickened everyone. Are these men as expendable as a brass cartridge? Enough is enough.

Let the arab ingrates have their civil war.