The Twat in the Hat

Jay Kay

As irritating rock star twats go, the diminutive Jay Kay takes some beating. I assume that he wears large hats in order to obscure the fact that he is a shortarse. This attempt
is a miserable failure, and he just ends up appearing as a preening shortarse twat with the level of good taste only to be expected from an Essex boy pretending to be a white soul god.

How anyone can make £20 million by sounding like an ersatz Stevie Wonder is frankly beyond me. Musical originality may not be a prerequisite for success (cf Oasis), but in a just world some spark of creativity would be a requirement.

Jay is fond of hanging out with blonde bimbo models in posh West End nightclubs. His espoused hatred of the paparazzi is a bit rich given that he jumps at any opportunity for the limelight. It’s not really on to go about punching the very people that publicise your rock god aspirations. In Jay’s case it is particularly reckless given that most paparazzi are a burly 6’ 2” while he is a weedy 4’9”.

Jay owns a croft house near Mallaig in the west highlands. He spent most of his childhood holidays in the area. He spotted the croft while on holiday and approached the two old ladies who owned it with a view to purchasing it. The ladies informed him that the croft had been their ‘heilan hame’ since they were bairns, and that the property was not for sale. Jay informed them that he would have a bankers draft for £250K in their hands by the end of that evening. The ladies, as genuine canny highlanders, accepted on the spot. Not a bad decision given that the croft was only worth £60K on the open market.

He was stopped by the police on the Road to the Isles for driving his Lamborghini at 110 mph. This is proper rock star behaviour, and is one point on which I can congratulate them. According to the locals he is a personable, friendly individual, and always stands a round at the bar.

Perhaps he isn’t all bad. Escaping from the media circus can do some people the world of good.