Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid.

AAARRRRGGGHHHHH!

I have a phobia about insects and arachnids. All things creepy crawly, winged with feelers, or possessing six spindly hairy legs give me the total heebie jeebies.

It's not so bad living in the UK; most of our insect life is reasonably innocuous. I don't mind bumble bees, and wasps can be dispatched with a quick flick of a rolled up magazine. Bluebottles squish nicely but leave a nasty yellow smear on the window. Never let it be said that 'he wouldn't hurt a fly, that one'. I was the nasty little git at the back of Primary 1 who tore the legs off flies before impaling their loathsome rotating torsos on the end of a compass. I don't approve of the bastard things. Never have and never will. I am as about as likely to become an entymologist as I am to become one of Madonna's backing singers.

There is, however, one repulsive varmint resident in these isles that leaves me twitching in abject terror. I bring you THE GIANT WOOD WASP (Urocerus gigas L.). Pictured above; it just looks like a black ugly wasp. It's much, much worse than that. The bugger is fucking ginormous. It grows to almost the length of my index finger. Not only that, it has a hulking great proboscis protruding out of its abdomen that you can just imagine sinking into one of your buttocks like a giant hypodermic needle. If you ever have the misfortune to experience one of these huge bastards flying past your ear buzzing like a chain saw at full chat, you will probably react like I did. I ran; very fast, in circles, yelling.

The one redeeming feature the Giant Wood Wasp possesses is that it is actually totally harmless. What looks like a big sting is in fact a probe used for laying eggs in scots pine trees.

THEY MEAN YOU NO HARM.

I don't care. They are still utterly terrifying. Guess what type of tree surrounds my house. Yep, you've guessed. Bleedin' scots pines. God, do I choose some sensible places to live.