Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Toothtastic



I had an unfortunate altercation with my dentist last year. My decrepit cemetery of eroded enamel had been excellently treated by an Edinburgh qualified dentist who actually knew what he was doing, even if he wasn’t prepared to offer NHS (pig iron) fillings.

I turned up at my next appointment only to find myself foisted off with a mad Ukrainian bint who may have cut the mustard with Nikita Khrushchev but frankly scared me to death. I don’t know whether it was the length of her nose, her halitosis, or the insouciance with which she wielded her drill, but I wasn’t having it.

I complained to the receptionist who, with the delusions of grandeur common to all semi educated idiots who are allowed to wear white coats and twirl pens, informed me that the practice was under a lot of pressure and that Ms Bignoseoffski was highly qualified. I was slightly miffed and expressed my concerns in a very reasonable and moderate fashion.

I was struck off.

Not only is NHS dental treatment not available in most of Scotland; you can’t even get private treatment without queuing (I don’t queue). Ten years ago the geniuses who govern us decided that two dental hospitals was one too many. Now we’re all walking around grinning like the Artful Dodger circa 1860.

That’s why I’m off to Budapest in a couple of months. A two week holiday with some serious remedial dental work thrown in costs the same as travelling two hours each way by car twice a week to get the same work done here.

Bollocks to my carbon footprint.

I won’t be getting pummelled by any big boned Hungarian mommas in a Turkish bath though. Humongous pastries are more my style.

24 comments:

First Nations said...

i won't bore you with the sad state of the dental art here in the u.s. suffice it to say that if i want to keep my teeth i'll have to go to canada.
and i don't want to go to canada.
there's canadians there.

Arabella said...

I couldn't bear to visit such a beautiful place and have it associated with dentists. I'd have to go twice: first for pleasure and after that for pain.

MJ said...

*slaps FN with a codfish*

*if I could find one after the overfishing*

First Nations said...

*desecrates an entire case of 'baby bel' goudas in front of the huntingdon crossing*

Arabella said...

MJ and FN performance art - d'you get a grant?

Sniffy said...

Well, the NHS dentists that we do manage to get to only offer badly fitting wooden dentures when we need replacements, so think yourself lucky!

Kyahgirl said...

that's a sad state of affairs. As one who has spent a significant number of hours in the dentist chair I hate to think what a mess I'd have if I lived in Scotland.

That's a beautiful picture...Budapest?

Kyahgirl said...

I meant to say how much I like the redecorating you've done around here. Can't remember if I said. Old age is a sad, sad thing. :-)

pissoff said...

I love Canadian dentists.... I love going to the dentist. They're great here in Canada. Not only do I love Canadian dentists but 99% of my dental work is covered. Ohhhhhh, what a shame.

M said...

Hey Baby!! You be careful over there getting your pearly whites worked on lovie!!


Happy Paddy's to ya!

Hey, I met a fellow from Aberdeen this week. He is a fellow employee and it was lovely to hear his accent all week long. I told him he should holiday over at your place. (Throwing some business your way...) Love ya! m.

Rowan said...

are u serious that there are really few dentists where you are at? For shame, I have massive enamel erosion too and I know how fun that is, or not. My hygenist, the new one, uses a drill for scaling, yes you heard me correctly A DRILL on my already tres sensitive gums and teeth.

Good luck for your vacation, sounds like you need it. wowza!

I think we have about 10 dental offices within a mile of my house. really. Mine is about a block away.

S.I.D. said...

C'mon Gnasher post.

First Nations said...

just because you're down to mushy gums now doesn't mean you can't type. update already, garfy.

pissoff said...

Garfer darling... where are you?

Bob said...

Hi there! Sorry I can't find a direct contact option, but I thought you might be interested in what we're doing given your passion for the finest of Scottish confectionery! It helps if you ride bikes too:
http://www.teamteacake.com/jerseys.shtml

Teacake cycle jerseys. Good eh?

You'll see we've got plenty else going on too, a teacake-loaded adventure race for one thing, and subway train racing for another (ok so that's not very teacake related, but hey).

Anyway, good luck with your dental health! My GF is a student dentist in Glasgow, have you tried there for free treatment?

Bob

mimi buzzard said...

Oh dear. Don't talk to me about bloody dentists, i have many issues with them too. Good luck with your dental travels though.

Kyahgirl said...

I like the way you disappear for months on end Garfer. Then I don't feel so bad about my own blog neglect!
Hope you're having fun :-)

Arabella said...

Put that cake down, Garfer.

pissoff said...

Garfer...for God's sake say something.... are you alive?

suburban wonder said...

Look, twatface*, even the Chimp has shown back up to his blog. Get off your arse and post something!

*said with love

S.I.D. said...

Surely you have finished chiselling your own teeth out of ivory by now??

pissoff said...

I don't care how busy you are Garfer... I show up here every day and all I see is "Toothtastic." Now, get off your Irish Ass and post.

M said...

Hey Garfer! Business picking up? I finally wrote something down...Tag! You're it!

belle said...

I know someone at work (in Glasgow) who has done the same ... not that I can see any difference but it meant 2 separate weeks in Hungary or somewhere.
On the other hand LOML had all his old mercury NHS stuff changed by laser to china white and looks fantasic.
... and I prefer caramel bars to teacakes! ...