Saturday, April 29, 2006

Smokin'!


As a faintly disreputable individual, I have a few reprehensible habits; by far the worst of these being enjoying a chuff on a cigarette.

I gave up the ready rolled variety years ago, preferring to spill shreds of tobacco on the carpet and down the back of the sofa. The bits of soggy tobacco that leak from the end of the roll up into the inner recesses of my molars are a slight drawback, but the vigorous use of a sonic toothbrush usually deals with the problem.

I was interested to learn that Jeremy Irons, Martin Amis, Jonny Depp, and Kate Moss, share my predilection for an artfully crafted home rolled cheroot. As a stylish, witty, impossibly debonair individual, I find this confluence of good taste most gratifying (apart from the Jeremy Irons connection).

My best mate Keith was in New York last year, in pursuit of a Uruguayan diplomat’s daughter who had developed the hots for him over the interweb. Naturally, when she caught sight of his stunted form and greasy mop he was given short shrift. Sitting on a park bench, he got out his rolling gear, and proceeded to console himself with a smoke. He couldn’t understand why everyone walking past was giving him funny looks. They obviously assumed that he was smoking cannabis in public.

Apparently 25% of UK smokers now skin up. That figure’s a bit high for my liking. Never being one to follow the herd, I’ve decided to take up snuff. Tar stained nostrils may not exactly be an asset in the pulling stakes, but they will provide an interesting conversational gambit should my silver tongued charm fail to work its usual magic

15 comments:

Wyndham said...

I've just given up for the last time but I was never good doing rollies, to be honest. Particularly when rolling one for a lady. That's it, I'd think, I'm doomed. That never failed to nip a budding relationship in the bud. That and my congenital BO.

S.I.D. said...

I once shared a fishing boat for two days with a man who took snuff.He also suffered from severe sea sickness and between throwing up he would take his snuff,which would be quickly snotted out.

Interesting facial expressions.

The Blind-Winger Jones said...

Not only is smoking fashionable, it renders the smoker instantly desirable. It also improves bone density and eyesight. I prefer a pipe myself, but I'm with Puffer Pinkney all the way I can tell you.

suburban wonder said...

Oh, why bother with the cigarettes and snuff when you can kill yourself with a gun so much quicker.

I know I come off as quite judgmental, but having had one grandmother die as a result of smoking and another now dependent on tanks of oxygen just to live all as a result of smoking tends to lessen the glamour of smoking quite a bit. It's also incredibly selfish and self-centered for me to give you orders to do this just because I enjoy reading your blog and getting a glimpse into your life, but hey - that's who I am.

Love you, Garfy. Stop with the nicotine.

Arabella said...

Go get 'em Bronners.

Mike said...

Martin Amis being interviewed by Melvin Bragg back in the early ninties used his tobacco pouch to great effect - a knock here, a shake there as he rolled and sparked up fag after fag. As he sat there carefully constructing his world class sentences and lag thin cigs I realised that he was the man, prompting me to read all his books.

garfer said...

A gun? Oh, yes please!

I have an air pistol, which is useful for dispatching varmints, but it doesn't really cut the mustard in the Rambo stakes.

Hang on, if I had a gun I'd have to take up cigars. They come as a package.

First Nations said...

the only reason the hollywoodies roll their own is to they can disguise the fact that they're mokin doinks (or shermies) in public. ah, what a charming and sophisticated affectation! please pass the screwtop flask of muscatel!

MHN for short said...

I can't imagine that your "silver tongued charm" could ever lose it's magic Garfer, but the vigorous use of the sonic toothbrush would keep you in good stead with me. ;-)

Kyahgirl said...

well, if growing up in Belfast didn't kill you, perhaps the fags won't get you either.

just curious, do you ever think about quitting? I know when I was a smoker I thought about it but was too much of an addict to get serious for a few years. I've quit for over 20 years now but still consider myself an addict-wicked, wicked stuff that nicotine.

s.i.d.'s comment made is continuing to make me chuckle for some reason. I really do have a puerile sense of humour I guess.

garfer said...

I have quit many times, but my singular lack of will power has always prevailed.

Kyahgirl said...

yeah, I quit a bunch of times too, once for a whole year! One drag, that's all it took and I was back to a pack a day.

Rowan said...

I haven't rolled my own since I was poor.

aidin said...

Interesting blog about hot tub spa cover, keep up the good work hot tub spa cover

Smoke said...

Drugs are just bad, you should try to use Herbal Alternatives as a temporary replacement to loose the dependance!