Saturday, April 18, 2009

Fake Plastic Trees

I've been in Jeffrey Bernard mode again recently, reminiscing about the cuddly nature of the past when you could cadge a fag in a pub without some prig nosed arsehole pointing to the subtly displayed NO SMOKING MAXIMUM FINE £2 MILLION sign before digging into their cous cous.

I don't frequent the public house much these days, preferring to avoid the yachtsman hearties who frequent these parts and bugger on about topsails, reef knots, and inverted sphincters in loud braying voices. The locals wince into their drams and mutter about 'bastard English', but in truth they're just rephrasing the same conversations they've been having for the last twenty years and certainly aren't past masters in bar room banter.

Even worse, Bobby the reliably bald and consistently rude barman has popped his cloggs and the premises no longer echo to the sweet refrain of 'no, you can't have any food, we switched the fryers off half an hour ago'. The landlords daughter with her delightfully squint glass eye doesn't even visit any more, which just shows what a sorry pass the place has come to.

The pub should be a sanctum for the lame and halt where healthiness is frowned upon as a foul and wholly inexplicable perversion. The way things are going these days it's only a matter of time before it's compulsory step aerobics under the optics.

Can anybody buy me a drink?


Madame DeFarge said...

Sounds like you need a new pub. Or to join a temperance society and embrace your inner boredom.

It could be worse. It could be full of folk-singers.

MJ said...

Would you care for a swig from my bottle?

KAZ said...

A sad reflection on our times Garfer.
Soon there will be a law banning the consumption of alcohol in pubs.
They will be given over to juice drinking and breast feeding.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Sure I can.. Jinty's at 9pm.. no trainers or sheep.

Anonymous said...

It's a sad state of affairs Garfer but, come to think of it, I'd probably be the one pointing to the sign. Sad, sad, sad. Maybe you need to joing us in Las Vegas?


Anonymous said...

SHIT. I should always proofread before I hit the publish button. That would be "join."


EmmaK said...

I'm only 38 and I can remember the days when I at 15 could go into any newsagents and buy single fags. Eh those were the days. I wonder if you can get those fags to go these days?

SID said...

Tsk Tsk April...spelling's as shite as ever!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

You've heard of a gin palace...?

I hear a 'Gym Palace' is the next destiny of your watering hole with nay a Tunnocks Teacake in sight.