Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Feeling Sheepish?


Whenever I listen to an an anaemic lentil eater extolling the virtues of the vegetarian diet I just think about sheep. How anybody can have any qualms about eating something so unbelievably stupid beats me. Where I live they amble along the sides of the public road, interrupting their gormless chomping only to wander into the path of oncoming traffic to deposit their sheepness on radiator grills.

They look thick at the best of times, and when freshly shorn are probably the ugliest creature on God's earth; all protruding bones and big lumpen head. Lambs aren't so bad looking I grant you, but given their plug ugly destiny it is only right and proper that they be dismembered and grilled.

Apparently the Welsh occasionally take a sheep as a sexual partner, which just goes to show what a staple diet of leeks does to you.

I think I'll go out tomorrow and hunt down some road kill. I'm due recompense from the wooly cretins for the number of my car bumpers they have left misshapen and covered in baa entrails.

Have a lamb chop, you know it's the right thing to do.

17 comments:

Arabella said...

Mint sauce frightens many Americans. I don't particularly have to have it with lamb, but I enjoy the shock value.

Peevish McSnark said...

I'd heard it was the Scots what liked to know a sheep or two in the Biblical sense. You know the slogan "Scotland: where men are men and sheep are scared!" Or perhaps this old chestnut: Why do scotsmen where kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...

Certain large Glaswegians excluded, of course...

Mopsa said...

Id every lamb lover got theirs free like you I'd be in the poorhouse...

Mopsa said...

If, not Id. You can tell I'm in the middle of lambing....

KAZ said...

Road kill?
I hear grey squirrell tastes quite nice.
But they look quite cute - so according to your logic we should think twice about eating grilled squirrel or squirrel vindaloo.

Betty said...

Being mutton myself, I like a nice bit of mutton more than I like a nice bit of lamb.

Speaking of the Welsh - perhaps if you were a lonely farmer living at the top of a mountain who rarely made contact with human beings then you *would*, too.

garfer said...

Arabella

The French think we are barbarians because we use mint sauce. I say it's wot won two world wars.

Peevish

That's just a malicious rumour put about by the Welsh to distract attention from their perversion.

Mopsa

I bet your lambkins don't wander around on the public road. If they did they'd be fair game.

Kaz

Stop splitting hairs and chuck a ferret in your casserole.

Betty

Perhaps you should start a 'Welly Boot Appeal' for the lonely Welsh farmers. Wellies are handy for tucking the hind legs in before you get down to it, allegedly.

Madame DeFarge said...

I loathe sheep. Its the eyes. They follow you around, looking gormless and glaikit. Cows are just as bad. But bigger and make more of a dent.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Roast lamb with mint sauce... I could eat it reet now.

Happy hunting for road-kill my friend, I didn't realise that Possil has livestock other than the inhabitants themselves.

Peevish.. I'm watching you girl.

Leah said...

Popped over from MJ's. I've been here before and giggled tears into my eyes from the clever humor, but was too shy to comment.

Just wanted to add, I'm American and I dig mint sauce! But maybe I'm in a weird minority.

Maxi Cane said...

Howdy, MJ sent me over.

If we weren't meant to eat animals, they wouldn't taste so good.

xl said...

“I was sent here by MJ from Infomaniac”

OK, now that the formalities are out of the way: do sheep taste like chicken?

eroswings said...

I was sent here by MJ of Infomaniac

Lamb is delicious! Grilled, baked, deep fried, BBQ, stew, mmmmm....good! Perhaps if the sheep farmers started using those talking pigs to herd sheep, the sheep wouldn't wander on to the streets.

EmmaK said...

I think sheep should be shagged but only if it is consensual. And buy her flowers first.

Also what planet are vegans on - I went round to a pale faced vegan's house I know who tried to make me eat some cheese made out of tofu. It tasted like foot cheese let me tell you.

pissoff said...

Well... we're in the process of eating Mrs Piggy. I feel a twinge of guilt because she was, afterall, the magical pig.

Tessa said...

My sister the skinny cow was a sheep farmer for years and hated the woolly bastards with a passion. According to her they were as thick as six toilet seats nailed together, but there wasn't a fence or gate known to man that they couldn't get through. They also appear impervious to pain - I watched a ewe give breech birth to an enormous lamb once and she merely twitched her nose a few times throughout. A human female would have been roaring profanities and biting the hands off anyone that came near during such a birth.

I don't like lamb with or without mint sauce. Too little meat and too many bones for my liking, like a sort of woolly pike.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

You could always let natural selection decide your diet indeed by eating whatever road kill you come across.

A green, cost-effective and organic source of food too in addition to performing road cleansing services.

Just be careful about injured cyclists - I think they're still illegal game.