Saturday, April 04, 2009

I'll Take the Low Road


I don't normally take an instant dislike to people. Actually that's a lie, I frequently do and my wholly unjustified preconceptions are almost invariably justified.

What can one do when an Edinbugger drives up the hill in a Chyrsler (who I profoundly hope go bust and cease offending my eyeballs) monstrosity and announces that 'I don't suppose you've got round to HD TV up here yet have you'?

Then there's the fat lesbians who complain that they can feel the mattress springs, the boring adulterers who arrive 'incognito' in pick 'n' mix Germanmobiles, and the Americans who've just done Barcelona and are dropping in on their way to the auld country where their Great Great Uncle O'Paddywhacker built a shebeen and fathered five inbreeds.

The Continentals aren't so bad. I quite like the French because they're obviously scared, and I'm not too down on the Italians because they have decent dress sense, but I have to draw the line when in comes to being friendly to Spaniards. They tried to invade us, and sank. They should just get over it and make some paella with our whelks, the thieving daygos.

It's the tourist season and I'm feeling chipper. A bit of bitter hatred ingrained in my being will see me through the months ahead and prevent me from decapitating an ingrate.

Thank heaven for small mercies.

I do try.

10 comments:

Jimmy Bastard said...

"What can one do when an Edinbugger drives up the hill in a Chrysler...?"

Send the trainspotting bastart back down on the bus. His car would have been stolen and burnt out behind the ASDA in Easterhouse by now.

Good enough for him anyway.

Madame DeFarge said...

Do you have tourist heads on your walls, as souvenirs? I loathed tourists when I loved in Edinburgh (but not being from there, maybe the importance of them was lost on me). Clogged up the buses and shops. Don't get me started on the festival. It's almost as bad as the marching season.

KAZ said...

Is 'feeling the mattress springs' a special name for lesbian sex?
It must be - or why would they want to do it.

MJ said...

Canadians are most pleasing.

garfer said...

Jimmy

I would happily torch his vehicle.

Madame

You 'loved in Eninburgh'? Please divulge all.

Kaz

I prefer not to speculate, but you may be right.

MJ

Indeed, when they're 4000 miles away. The Queen Mum didn't like you much.

Peevish McSnark said...

I hate those big low-slung Chrysler gangsta cars.

Arabella said...

I was nearly sent off the road by a Chrysler overtaking a bus. A Chrysler PT Cruiser! Oh the shame. And, what the hell, man.

Madame DeFarge said...

Yes, it's where I forgot how to type. And spell.

EmmaK said...

I love your political incorrectness. Luckily I live in Baltimore and we don't get too many tourists. I used to live opposite the British Museum in London and if a tourist nearby asked me where it was located I invariably sent them on a wild goose chase on the tube to say, The Victoria and Albert Museum.

Fabulastic said...

“I was sent here by MJ from Infomaniac.”


I love sheep. I just had one today...with roasted potatoes