Saturday, January 28, 2006

The Lazy Arse Guide to Success and Prosperity.

I will be thirty nine years of age in three months time. This gradual encroachment of age and decrepitude has got me thinking.

I have worked for eighteen years of my adult life, and to be perfectly honest I think that is quite long enough. I have not had sufficient leisure time in which to exercise my chief talent in life: namely, mooching aboot in an aimless fashion. I have an aptitude for idleness secondary only to my aptitude for sleep. Something will have to be done if I am to display my true forte in life.

I like to think I am not a particularly materialistic individual. This is, of course, self deception of the highest order. I like my cars, holidays, good food, and creature comforts. These require money, and if I am to reorient my work/life balance firmly towards the latter and maintain my standard of living, I need to find a sure fire money making scheme that does not preclude a high degree of mooching aboot.

I have decided that in the next two years or so, I will buy seven one and two bedroom flats in central Glasgow and let them out on a nightly and weekly basis to tourists and business people. The average rental should work out at £1500 per month per unit with loan repayments of £500. This will leave a monthly profit per unit of £1000. After deductions for cleaning, power, insurance, council tax etc the net profit should not be less than £600 per unit. This equates to a total annual profit of £46000.

Hopefully, with capital appreciation, there should be enough equity to purchase additional units every couple of years. There won’t be much work to do on a day to day basis, and the mooching aboot possibilities look extremely favourable. Hopefully, in ten years or so, I can flog all the properties and retire on the proceeds.

Of course, knowing my luck, the whole scheme will go tits up and I’ll end up bankrupt. That doesn’t overly worry me though. I rest safe in the knowledge that should the worst transpire, my vast, impossibly good looking, immensely intelligent, and unfailingly generous domestic and international readership will have a monthly whip round to ensure that I am kept in the manner to which I am accustomed.


Fuckkit said...

Completely off-topic but yes, Tunnocks tea cakes are indeed food of the gods. In fact now I can't stop thinking about them and now I'm annoyed that Tesco's closed at 10pm coz now I can't go and buy them. Tunnocks tea cakes are part of the reason I am indeed a human space hopper ;)

garfer said...

Wise individuals always retain a secret stash.

Sniffy said...

Of course we'll look after you. You could try buying up whole streets for a laugh and conducting social experiments by placing idealologically opposed tenants as neighbours. Then again, that's probably what goes on anyway.

garfer said...

I've had a word with John Prescott.
He's good at ideology. Demolish perfectly sound houses and let the developers prosper.

It's socialism innit?

Sniffy said...

"New" Socialism is much worse than traditional capitalism. At least you know where you stand with capitalists.

garfer said...

Bit of the class warrior there T.

Social mobility interests me because I benefited from it. Not many people do these days.

I am a socialist/liberal/tory/anarchist fuckwit.

Sniffy said...

I'm a whatever benefits me, and that ain't socialism.

The Lady Muck said...

I too am loving the teacakes, however are you the moochy git that's pushing rent prices up if so grrr... haha, not really good luck to ya, moocher! ;-D

Kyahgirl said...

welcome back garfer :-)
I see your holiday to Glasgow inspired some good ideas for future prosperity. umm, don't you need a fair bit of money up front to get started though?

Are you planning to get your start by selling Tunnocks Teacakes to your readership at an exhorbitant profit?

suburban wonder said...

You could always marry a rich widow and be her British Boy Toy. She'll be able to keep you in teacakes, babycakes!

Spinsterella said...

Working is shite. I've been unemployed for a week now and it's brilliant. It's kind of like being at work (on the internet all day and eating biscuits). Except with the added bonus of having the radio on and not have to listen to the interminable banal bletherings of ex-colleagues.

Betty said...

You may well end up lording it when the profits start coming in but with all that time and money on your hands your twisted, dark, malevolent side will rise to the surface and you will turn into the next Nicholas van Hoogstraten. Why not try robbing banks and running away to South America? It should take less time and effort.

S.I.D. said...

It will all end in tears.

Hopefully mine, as you will generously remember me in your will.

I can do tears.

MHN for short said...

Sure Garfer. We are poor (well, strapped)so we can't send you any money, but if you would like to mooch aboot, for a short time mind you, you will always be welcome to sleep on the futon in our guestroom/office. Houston is awfully nice during the winter. The snow birds love it!

Merkin said...

As I don't fit any of your descriptions of your readership, can I be excused from paying? Unless I can come in with you and make millions. MWAH HA HA HA HA.
Does that sound like a Dr Evil laugh?