Monday, January 09, 2006

Malchy the Alchy.

Malchy was a highly principled individual who regarded people that drank alone as saddos who deserved to be regarded with contempt. The problem was that hard earned welfare benefits, spent over the bar, tend not to stretch very far; thus resulting in a rapid depletion of funds before the weekend.

Any sensible individual on benefits would have bought 2 litre bottles of 8% Diamond White cider and got sozzled in the privacy of their own home during the week, thus ensuring that sufficient funds remained for a proper blow out at the weekend.

Malchy’s principles would not permit this, and one Friday night he found himself penniless at the bar, the usually indulgent landlord unwilling to extend his terms of credit until existing debts had been erased. Malchy was thus presented with the prospect of a boozeless Friday night.

This was obviously an unacceptable state of affairs, so Malchy resolved to break into the local Costcutter store and restore himself to solvency. He gained entry through the storeroom at the back. The average alchy, when presented with shelves groaning with wines and spirits would have yelled ‘whoopee’ and stocked up. Not Malchy, he ignored this cornucopia of free booze, and elected to steal the charity box on the counter instead.

He arrived at the bar some time later, his pockets straining under the weight of vast quantities of small change which he counted out on the bar to pay for his drinks for the rest of the night.

When the theft was discovered next day the sterling detective work of the local constabulary soon identified the culprit, who made a full confession. The shop owner was highly amused, and the police decided not to press charges.

Not exactly the Moriarty of crime, our Malchy.

6 comments:

S.I.D. said...

Are you sure your not my English teacher?

I can just hear him now saying "précis please".

Result:
Some thick alco on the dole robbed the poor box instead of robbing the booze inside.
The cunt got caught,but the pigs let him off.

English misses me.

garfer said...

I think you've got the gist of it sid.

Truth is, he was an old geezer who never hurt a fly, hence the lenience shown by the rozzers.

Merkin said...

Are you blogging about your MP again, Garfer?

funny thing said...

Is it a 'friend' of yours?

MHN for short said...

I always learn so much when I visit your blog, Garfer. You'd have made a fine teacher. :-)

garfer said...

He may be a distant relative of Charlie boy. You never know.