Tuesday, August 22, 2006


An element of stress is essential, if only to prevent everyone sleeping in after composing haikus on the back of a cigarette packet at 3.00 am.

I prefer to avoid stress whenever possible. As far as I’m concerned my main calling in life is to contemplate the intolerable iniquities of humanity whilst smoking a cheroot. Sometimes it all gets a bit much and I consider moving to some god forsaken mosquito ridden swamp and devoting the rest of life to the betterment of the lame and the halt.

Thankfully reason takes hold. There are more than enough gap year students lugging rucksacks around the globe on the back of mummy and daddy’s credit cards to ensure that such gross social inequities will soon be a thing of the past.

I suppose I must be an incorrigible optimist. The Rev Thomas Malthus claimed that excessive shagging amongst the hoi polloi would result in a serious spud shortage, mass starvation, and the demise of the human race. It hasn’t happened yet, and judging by the global proliferation of fast food chains, it isn’t going to happen any time soon.

I’m sure that in my ancestry there must have been energetic sorts rushing about suffering thorns in their buttocks in pursuit of nuts and berries. Thankfully such exertions are no longer required. If the worst comes to the worst I suppose I can always eat the neighbours. Some of them have got enough lard on them to enable the graceful departure of an ocean going liner down the slipway.

On a darker note, my cat Oscar has finally departed for some far away nebula to hunt down strange silicon based mouse creatures.

Good luck to them. They don’t stand a chance.


Sniffy said...

Aww poor old Oscar, I hope he had a comfortable end. PLease accept my condolences.

I couuldn't possibly consider eating my neighbours; they're all stinking scumbags and they wear vests all year round! They leave their washing out for days on end. Hell no, I'd really rather starve.

It might be quite nice to just disappear one day. Go and do a Grizzly Adams somewhere and hide away from humanity. It's quite depressing that, for all our years alive and for all the people we meet during that time, there are only a very small few who we want to know for the long haul (and some who we have to know whether we like it or not). Billions of people on the planet and I can only be bothered with about ten of them.

S.I.D. said...

Sorry about the cat Garfy.

I just need an asylum,and be fed mind altering drugs.

garfer said...

A straightjacket, a pint of Guinness, and a pint of cider are a much cheaper option.

As long as you have a straw.

Arabella said...

Goodnight Oscar.

S.I.D. said...

A very thin and long straw if you please.

pissoff said...

I look forward to someone taking me away in a straight jacket. Anything has to be better than trying to raise two ferral (did I spell that right? to lazy to check) children.

Sorry about the feline Garf.

Kyahgirl said...

I was wondering about your Oscar. I'm sorry Garfer.

MHN for short said...

I'm so sorry to hear about Oscar. He was a good kitty and had a good human.