Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Spot the Tosser

Hi, my name is Henry Conway and I am a complete and utter tosser. Educated at Harrow and Cambridge, I am a prize tit who fully deserves to be taken out and subjected to a severe kick in the gonads.

My father, despite being a working class oik himself, managed to send my brother and myself to a top public school. Despite earning a pittance as a Conservative MP he managed to set aside enough money (helped by the £40,000 of taxpayers money he paid mamma to do fuck all as his 'personal assistant') to pay the exorbitant fees.

Since leaving school I have specialised in behaving like a total dick, hosting parties at top London nightclubs and generally jollying with my posh Oxbridge mates.
The £20,000 per year taxpayers money my father has paid me for doing fuck all as his personal assistant has helped immeasurably.

When I grow up I don't want to do any work. Instead I plan to become a Conservative MP for a safe constituency. This should keep me in white loafers and ensure that I can afford to have my blonde locks blow dried twice weekly.

It's a wonderful life.


MJ said...

He's the natural successor in the Conservative Party to Adam Rickitt.

garfer said...

Adam has weird ears.

I think he's an alien.

KAZ said...

Henry phoned me last night and said "Don't take any notice of that Garfer chap - he's just jealous because he doesn't get invited to any 'Post-Modern ironic paradise' or 'Elton John and Grey Goose' parties".

garfer said...

Tell him that I have a Daimler and he doesn't.

Yah boo sucks to Henry.


Peevish McSnark said...

That's a man?

Christ, they grow them poncy over there...

S.I.D. said...

Bet he doesn't even know what a Tunnock Teacake is though?

Nor how to eat one.


Malc said...

I met Daddy Conway years ago when he was MP for Shrewsbury and, yes, he's a tosser too. Fat, smug, arrogant, ignorant, crooked. . . everything the Tories are, always have been and always will be.

Conway was such a bad MP he lost the seat when Labour won it for the first time ever.

Is Harry wearing lipstick?

MJ said...

How DO you eat a Tunnocks Teacake?

Geoff said...

Derek Conway's in Ted Heath's old seat.

It's just down the road from us but I'd never heard of him.

garfer said...


He has some nerve to proclaim himself a fashion consultant with dress sense like that.


Teacakes would be wasted on the tosser.


Very probably. The tosser probably thinks he's being risque.


You use a straw to punch a straw through the crisp chocolate dome and then suck the creamy goodness within.

Imagine not knowing that. Tsk.


Count your blessings.

Mopsa said...

Is that really THE SON? Poor bloke; he obviously needed the money to make him look like a pimp. Perfect for Tory candidatehood/ship/thing. Give him a tunnock teacake quick or he'll die of malnutrition. Intravenously of course.

MJ said...

Mmmm...sucking creamy goodness.

FirstNations said...

I want to know why he's wearing his moms jeans and belt. you think he has to borrow them? he sounds indigent.

Arabella said...

This is the kind of thing that makes decent folk attempt to chew their elbows.
I would have commented sooner but I've cricked my neck from chewing my elbow yesterday: conniving little psychpathic ex-cop? Fancy murdering your wife and mother-in-law? What, restraining order? Don't worry old chap, that bit of bail posted by your brother THE BARRISTER should do nicely...

Gnom, nom,nomnom,nom, slurp nom nom...

garfer said...


Not a pretty sight is he. he appears to have purchased his wardrobe from Burtons circa 1984.


Full of calories but alas no protein.


He looks like Simon le Bon and Hilary Clintons love child. Somebody please kill him, now.


Keep taking the tranquilisers, all that elbow chomping can get tiring.

Rimshot said...

Ooo, If you're looking for someone to discretely make him/her/it disappear...I may 'know a guy'...his name may rhyme with Limshot.
~ My new home

pissoff said...

I thought that was a sheila.

As for teacakes... I don't want to suck the creamy goodness out of anything. I've got jeg lag.