Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Vulgar Bulgar

The siblings Gloom, Doom, and Despondency are dancing the light fantastic at the moment. The general air of 'God help us all' is increasingly inclining me towards the view that Herge Smith's imminent departure on a banana boat owes more to astute financial prescience than to the sybaritic hedonism I had hitherto suspected.

Now that the Labour Party has finally made a total balls of the economy (which they always do eventually) I fear that life on this island will inevitably become increasingly depressing. Drunken mongs throwing up on the pavement and knife wielding hoodies are just about tolerable when fivers are apparently falling like confetti, but when buying a loaf of bread and a tank of petrol doesn't leave enough change for a copy of Viz then all hope evaporates.

Like most people, I would like to emigrate somewhere warm and cheap. I think I'd settle on Bulgaria; it has all the plus points of mostly sunny weather, cheap booze, and long legged lovelies. Not only that, all Bulgarians smoke all the time everywhere which makes the place ideal for inveterate chuffers like me.

I think I've got what it takes to become a vulgar Bulgar. I might even grow a moustache and beat up Gipsies, just to blend in like.


Sniffy said...

Yes, Bulgaria! Like Greece I think, only a bit more mysterious - the type the place where stories like The Hostel emanate from.

Let's all fuck off and leave this island to the immigrants and the workshy. See who'll pay for their cigs, booze and plasma TVs when the workers have gone.

garfer said...

Or Albania.

Or perhaps not, I'd probably end up on the wrong side of a blood feud involving cocaine and inappropriate glances at girlyfolk.

Perhaps we should have blood feuds over here. It would liven things up a bit and would be much more entertaining and edifying than Big Brother.

FirstNations said...

I like their wheat...but wheat, no matter how alluring, does not an expat hideaway make. or so ive been told.

garfer said...

Their red wine aint bad, their beer is drinkable, and you can ski during the winter.

Who needs wheat, the Canucks have that market cornered anyway.

MJ said...

We're the world's leader in canola production as well.

Such a sexy nation.

garfer said...

I suppose the RCMP are quite sexy, if that kind of thing floats yer boat.

EmmaK said...

I think S America is the place to emigrate to. It costs only $500 to become a citizen of Belize. And you have to admit that the average S American is hotter than your average Bulgar.

Also, as a person who lived in England for 29 years, when the fuck wasn't it depressing? Are you so old you remember the sixties or summat?

garfer said...

Belize has big bastard insects, which rules it out. Even the rum wouldn't compensate.

As for the sixties, I wasn't there, but from what I can make it most people dug coal out of the ground or screwed things together in factories for a pittance.

pissoff said...

Belize is where bot flies lay their eggs in your head.... Yuk.

Nooo, I think the place to be is Tierra del Fuego. Where else can you dance the tango at the end of the world?

garfer said...

Too windy by far. My elaborately crafted coiffure would be disturbed.

And it's cold.

Herge Smith said...

Christ, I'm getting increasingly stuck when I read your blog, what with all the fancy words. Makes me feel really really thick.

Honestly, it's purely coincidence. I did sell my house the month before it all seemed to go tits up. Phew! The only financially sound thing I have ever done and that was pure luck.

Leave the country Garfer, do it.

garfer said...

Rubbish. When you come home penniless you can set yourself up as a financial guru and rake it in.

You are Brighton's answer to George Soros.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Why doesn't anyone ever want to go to Barnsley?

Answers on the bottom of an aircraft carrier.

garfer said...

Barnsley folk are all descended from pit ponies, which explains their stunted forms and liking for sugar lumps.

As the self proclaimed capital of the People's Republic of South Yorkshire I doubt that a tax exile like myself would be welcome.

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