Thursday, May 14, 2009

Celebrity Tits



Worra Tosspot

Celebrity chefs are almost always total titheads. The likes of Anthony Worra Tosspot, Heston Bloominghell, and Hugh Fairly Windscreen Wiper make me gag on my creme caramel.

Anthony can't cook, he just does his "I'm a big cuddly bear me" routine on TV while flashing his enormous Rolex at the cameras. Thankfully he's had to shut a couple of his rip off steak restaurants due to the recession.

Heston used to be a bailiff, a profession normally reserved for psychopaths who enjoy breaking down debtors doors and scaring the hell out of them so that they pay up. It's no surprise that the bullet headed bully now charges enormous sums of money for snail porridge and engine oil tirimasu. I shall not be gracing his restaurant, The Fat Tit, with my presence.

Hugh is just too posh. I'm convinced that he doesn't like broiler chickens because they provide cheap protein for the proles. All Eton educated toffs know that it's best to keep the working classes stunted in case they get ideas above their station and start demanding foie gras pasties.

Only the saintly and extravagantly thighed Nigella is worthy of the accolade 'Celebrity Chef'. She can't cook, but that is an irrelevance. Her wholesome wobblesomeness is the reason we watch.

If Nigella is feeling a bit peckish I think she should eat Jamie Oliver and his annoying wife Jools. They would make nice carpaccio, and would also be tasty deep fried. It's important that Nigella keeps her strength up and obtains the requisite wobbling nutrients.

11 comments:

Arabella said...

If Nigella doesn't want to eat Jamie and Jooolz, she could just keep them in the fridge with her nail varnish.

Madame DeFarge said...

I find myself in complete agreement with you. And you may add Gary Rhodes, the most irritating spikey haired git ever seen on TV.

Liz said...

I met Anthony Worral Thompson once at an awards dinner. He was accompanied by three blondes about half his age and was very disregarding of my personal space. I am not a fan.

mapstew said...

Anthony has a face that DEMANDS slapping!

MJ said...

I, on the other hand, would be happy to lick dripping mango juice from Anthony Bourdain's heroin-tracked arms.

KAZ said...

Although I am a confirmed heterosexual - I would have preferred a picture of Nigella .... or even Delia.
I totally agree about Hugh Fearnley - Whateverstall.
If ever a man was asking to end up as roadkill ...

Betty said...

I liked Liz's anecdote. Always nice to find out that a celeb you don't like is actually unpleasant in real life.

Whatever happened to Keith Floyd? I quite liked him.

garfer said...

Arabella

The freezer compartment would be preferable.

Madame

Any Ainsley (jazzin' tings up for de white folks) Harriot.

Liz

He looks like the sort of man that has a BO problem. I wouldn't want him invading my personal space. Shudder.

Mapstew

Indeed, preferably with a cricket bat.

MJ

Ah yes, Anthony (I'm a rock star) Bourdain.

Sorry Anthony, knowing how to fillet an anchovy does not make you Keith Richards.

Kaz

No Delia.

The woman is a fanatical Catholic and supports Norwich City.

Betty

Keith has been swallowed by his liver.

EmmaK said...

What about Gordon Ramsay - do you think he's a tit? He is very shaggable but you being a lad probably can't see it?

garfer said...

I like Ramsay, even if he does cheat on the wife.

He's a bit of a crater face though.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

There should be a celebrity cookery show boiling celebrity chefs up in a big pot.

I'd dance round it with a headdress on!

Loved your description of bully boy Heston! But that Gordon Ramsay - doesn't he look just like a Photo-fit?