Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Ageing Disgracefully

Gasping for some nicotine sustenance today I was exasperated to find myself behind a queue of wobbling crumblies at the supermarket tobacco counter. Each of the Crimean War veterans spent at least five minutes fumbling in their purses and wallets as they shuffled their way towards the cancer emporium.

Were they queuing for a half ounce of Ogden's Nut Gone Flake or a packet of el cheapo obscure brand fags? No they were not; they were queuing for Lottery tickets and scratch cards.

Tenners were lobbed across the counter with gay abandon by the Ernies and Hildas, no doubt in expectation of huge payouts to fund their hip replacements and mobility scooters. I don't for one moment imagine that they were gambling in order to shower their children and grandchildren with new cars and trust funds. Oh no, they just want to deposit lucre in their Post Office accounts and gloat.

To think that grafters like myself are toiling to pay these peoples pensions. It's enough to make even the most fair minded individual advocate euthanasia.



Jimmy Bastard said...

Years ago the only option for a retirement fund was to wait for the Securicor vans to cross the Erskine Bridge on a Friday afternoon. (Allegedly) ; )

Mopsa said...

Who's toiling for you Garfer?

KAZ said...

I can think of no 'fairer minded individual' than yourself Garfer.
I know that come the right moment you will selflessly top yourself so that no one will have to toil to pay for your scooter replacement.
Saint Garfer indeed.

MJ said...

Has anyone else noticed that "grafter" is almost an anagram of "Garfer"?

Geoff said...

The Lottery was invented by the Tories as a stealth tax on Noel Edmonds fans. Good idea in itself but the trouble was it grew and grew and became a monster.

garfer said...


That was before balaclavas went out out of fashion.


Your offspring, and they'll like it.


Certainly not Kaz, I expect to be amply supplied with brandy and dolly birds in my dotage.




Edmonds and his Crinkly Bottom have been responsible for the demise of Western civilization.

EmmaK said...

Hey you don't know that - the Ernies and Hildas might have gone in for one of those full body transplants had they won the money - a wrinkly old walnut head on the body of a pam anderson circa Baywatch - that'll be the future!

Madame DeFarge said...

But they fought a war so that we could buy lottery tickets. Never forget that.

Beverly Hamilton Wenham said...

And why is it that a young person almost never wins the lottery? Heck, they don't have time to spend all that money and I do.

garfer said...


I'd rather not visualise that thanks.


Yes, but the Crimean War was such a long time ago.


I'm shocked. I suggest you join Gamblers Anonymous.