Friday, June 12, 2009

Why Abroad is Rubbish

Let's get this straight, travel does not broaden the mind. Sitting on a cruise ship while your midriff slowly expands and you develop an alcohol problem does not make you Marco Polo. Briefly sitting on an Elephant before devoting the next three weeks to serious dope bum activities on a Thai beach does not make you Paul Theroux. Driving a car (or sitting on a Greyhound bus - which just gives you piles) from Manhattan to Los Angeles does not make you Jack Keroauc.

Experiencing foreign cultures is generally just an exercise in suffering diarrhoea and having nasty little insects burrow into your skin and lay their eggs. And that's just in the more salubrious equatorial regions. When you decide to have a wazz over the side of your canoe while exploring the Amazon a small barbed fish will inevitably swim up your willy and hang on for dear life.

Europe is no better, what with its funny languages and Mediterranean blokes prancing about in too tight trousers. As for Japan, that's just compulsory karaoke, 'Love Hotels', and Pachinko.

You would think that the USA, being vaguely civilized, would be worth the trip. Unfortunately no; the delights afforded by Latino housemaids are far outweighed by the sheer nastiness of the giant American cockroach and this wholly revolting foetus of Satan.

Best stay at home and tend the petunias I say. You can't be too careful.


Arabella said...

Thanks. I feel a whole lot better. Now I've emptied the vegetable bin.

Mopsa said...

Home is best. You can become an alcoholic or put on the pounds in the comfort of your own kitchen.

Betty said...

You're right. I really should take your advice but unfortunately I'm off to North Wales at the end of the month and will probably fall off a mountain :(

KAZ said...

Your words are very pursuasive Garfer.
But I think I'll go to Spain next week - just to make sure.

garfer said...


Always glad to be of service


I'm sure the BNP would agree with you.


The Welsh are all 5' 2, have moustaches, and can sing a bit.

That's all you need to know about Wales really.


Have you taken Spanish citizenship yet?

garfer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Madame DeFarge said...

Urgh. Put me right off my breakfast. Well, at least the potato cakes bit.

I shall see what delights I can find in Iceland as I drag myself through yet another foreign jaunt.

EmmaK said...

I think you are missing out one of the chief benefits of travel to third world lands: bargain basement priced prostitutes and also the thrill of catching an unusual STD which you'll have to explain to the wife you got off a toilet seat.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I felt the same way the very first time I visited Easterhoose.

garfer said...


They're doing a special 2 for the price of 1 offer on pepperoni pizza at Iceland at the moment.


One of the drawbacks of Latino housemaids, I think you'll agree.


Didn't you build Easterhoose? It was either you or Lulu.

MJ said...

Nothing beats the Canadian custom of eating poutine astride a bull moose.

You have not lived.