Thursday, August 16, 2007

Don't Knock My Mates

My favourite hotelier (sadly now retired) used to reply 'hot and wet' when asked what the soup de jour was. As pithy and accurate answers go this took some beating. He wasn't keen on complainers either. Whining ingrates were told that 'if you don't like it you can fuck off!'.

As an inwardly seething but outwardly calm and equable individual I lack the chutzpah to deal with arsehole guests in such a forthright manner. I'm not obsequious or fawning, but I do take the time to resolve any difficulties that my guests may have. I am, on the whole, a good count to tenner.

Last week I lost it. A bespectacled munchkin shoved a slightly chewed Greene and Black organic chocolate bar beneath my nose and cried 'how do you explain this?'. I replied, very reasonably, that something had obviously been repasting on her confection. 'Mice!', she yelled, 'this house is infested with vermin!'. I informed her that we don't have housemice in the countryside and that her choc had more than likely been nibbled by a pygmy vole. These have been known to sneak through open doors. 'Whether it was a mouse or a vole is frankly immaterial' she informed me.

Then the litany of complaints began. Apparently the shower pressure was intermittent, the DVD player didn't work, there wasn't enough storage space, and she couldn't get a decent mobile phone signal. I said 'do you want me to resolve these issues or do you want to leave, now?'.

Her husband piped up 'that really isn't the attitude!' I am ashamed to say that I told him to 'put some Baby Bio on your bonce you bald bastard', walked out and slammed the door.

Voles can be dealt with by setting a mouse trap; water pressure can vary; there was ample storage space; the DVD player was working; it is usually dificult to get a strong mobile phone signal when you are surrounded by mountains.

Twunts, the pair of them.


jungle jane said...

huh. you should have told her to put her mobile phone up her ass too see if that perhaps improves her reception....

dunno about the DVD player though - is it an ass shaped DVD player??

MJ said...
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MJ said...

Once again I've learned something new from TTF.

Thanks to you I've added the following words to my vocabularly:

Baby Bio

*goes away chanting "twunts twunts twunts*

You're going to be hearing that word often from me, you know that, don't you?

garfer said...

I wish I'd thought of that at the time JJ.

Twunt is a fairly recent and very satisfying sweary term of abuse MJ. A satisfying conflation of twat and cunt, it may be used in polite company.

Mopsa said...
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Mopsa said...

If you get away with using Twunt in polite society (for which I read under 12s), I'll be gobsnookered. But what a fab term to use in impolite society.

Arabella said...

Not enough storage space? On a holiday in the wilderness(ish)? Silly woman. A book, map, boots, waterproof and a pair of bioculars are all you need and those can be shoved under the bed.
You weren't making your guests change for afternoon tea, cocktails and dinner were you?

garfer said...

Certainly not.

That would have entailed polishing my monocle and giving the candelabra a clean.

S.I.D. said...

I see Spain has been burning a lot of the poor wee fellas this year.

Mountains and abuse?

How much you charge?

First Nations said...

good for you. been there, heard that. some people are just NOT going to be happy. particularly if they're already so stupid they think they're going to get cell phone reception in the fucking mountains. the idiots should have come to the lodge i ran up on Baker one year...we had black bear in the parking lot, elk looking in through the windows, raccoons swimming in the fich pond, possums in the barbecues and fricken' BIGFOOT roaming around kidnapping children to raise in the wild (or so we claimed. they loved hearing about bigfoot. made all the 'privation' seem worthwhile.)

KAZ said...

I first read 'count to tenner' as 'Counter tenner'. Most of these ubfortunates have had an operation to remove their manhood.

garfer said...

You have already abused yourself up a mountain Sid. It makes you go blind you know.

We don't have bears FN, but we do have drunken hairy arsed scotsmen.

I can assure you that I am a baritone Kaz, not a eunuch.

Reg Pither said...

Sarcasm is the way forward, Garfer - so much better for the blood pressure. Fawlty did it best. You should just have explained about the mountains and told her that you were having them removed. As for the little vole, you should have said pets were not allowed and she would have to be surcharged. When it came to the DVD, you could have announced to anyone within earshot that it was broken because they had tried to play the copy of Bangkok Chickboys they had brought with them and it had got stuck.
Happy days.

garfer said...

Wise words Reg, wise words.