Saturday, November 03, 2007

From Alpha to Omega

I never did quite make it as a Alpha male. Lacking a jaw like Desperate Dan and the sociopath tendencies required to do the dirty in a ruthless and callous manner I always fell short in the being an utter bastard stakes.

I like to think that in my finer moments I may have managed a B minus, or possibly even a straight B for a fleeting instant. I fear, however, that my own estimations may have erred on the generous side. It is more than likely that the laydeez would have placed me somewhat lower down the alphabet; perhaps allowing me a C in their more generous and myopic moments.

Perhaps an alphabetic descent is inevitable as the decrepitude of ageing begins to exert its ineluctable grip. I'm not quite at the headlong plunge stage yet, but the signs are worrying.

I suppose I should try and look on the bright side. After all, Alpha males have nothing to aspire to. When I reach the nadir of my Omega the (as Yazz and the Plastic Population once almost sang) only way will be up.

I hope.


Reg Pither said...

Birdwatcher is bemoaning the same supposed fall from grace today as well. Cheer up. Us Omegas don't have to fight in wars anymore, we don't feel the need to shout "look at me, look at me!" and we are allowed to yawn when the supposedly Alpha males drone on and on in the pub about their overhead camshafts with 9.7 degress of torque and fuel-injected flange throbblers. We just have beer and the safe and certain knowledge that they're all just a bit silly.

garfer said...

Beer as opposed to lager drinking is a sign of maturity and wisdom.

Beer drinkers who wear comfy trousers with elasticated waistbands are, however, sub Omega.

I would like to make it clear that I do not wear such apparel.

suburban wonder said...

Oh poor lads... Haven't been laid recently?

garfer said...

We adopt the subtle and strategic approach to these matters Bronwen.

None of yer vulgar Yankee wham bam thank you mam for sireee.....more's the pity.

MJ said...

Your rating drops sharply if you wear socks with sandals...the dreaded "mandals."

Don't make me revoke your Man Card.

garfer said...

Only bearded vegetarians opt for the socks with sandals combo.

I am a committed carnivore.

KAZ said...

OOh 'ineluctable grip' now that sounds worth a B+ any day.

garfer said...

Unfortunately I can only pronounce 'ineluctable' when sober, which isn't very often.


suburban wonder said...

Subtle and strategic are overrated. Sometimes it's hard to read when a man's being subtle and when he's just not interested. Or gay.

While "ineluctable grip" was good, I have to award full marks to Reg's "fuel-injected flange throbblers." I don't know what they are, but they sound, er, salacious.

Reg Pither said...

Even getting laid isn't as much fun as it used to be. How can it be when each time "she" goes on top all I can think is "Damn! The bloody woodchip is peeling in the corner again and, in fact, the whole ceiling could do with a coat of paint"?
Even in the canine position, by the time you get to 47 you've run out of fresh pictures of other people to Sellotape onto the back of "her" head.
Then there's that "how long have I got to hold 'her'" dilemma at the end of it all.
No, I don't think "getting laid" will help.

suburban wonder said...

Damn, Reg! You apparently have bigger problems than a simple uncomplicated shag can cure.

I'll leave you two gents to your Jamesons, then. Slainte.

Arabella said...

Sometimes it's hard to read when a man in the same room is watching 'Family Guy' on telly.

S.I.D. said...

"I always fell short in the being an utter bastard stakes."

Don't be so hard on yerself Garfy.

garfer said...

I can't hold a candle to you Sidders.

Many have suffered your malevolent and hurtful barbs.

Especially poor MJ.