Friday, July 25, 2008

A Tingle in Your Dingle

Pain and pleasure are closely linked sensations; how else can we explain the delightful burning sensation produced by the chilli pepper? It burns, it makes your eyes water, you sweat profusely, you suffer the dreaded 'ring sting' the next morning: why do you do it?

I am a chilli addict. The things are addictive, that irresistible curry craving that overcomes me is down to the humble little birds eye chillies lurking in the balti gloop. Apparently it's all down to the body's release of endorphins, a natural opiate that has a calming effect. Feeling stressed and flushed my dear? Have a vindaloo; it may heat you up, but it'll soon cool you down.

Rather like a heroin addict, the chilli head develops resistance. Intake occurs with increasing frequency, the level of tolerable burn on an inexorable upward path. Before long you find yourself casting lustful gazes at the big daddy of the chilli universe: the Scotch Bonnet.

It's a pretty name for a malevolent bastard with enough ooomph to power a moon rocket. It looks innocuous enough, a plump little fellow that deceives the unwary into a foolish complacency. It squats in the sauce like a satisfied little toad, waiting patiently to release its evil on the taste buds.

If you really, really hate someone the best thing to do is secrete one in their sandwich or their undergarments. You will reflect on their tormented screams with pleasure for years.

A point to bear in mind is that chillies and genitalia do not make happy bedfellows. A high concentration of nerve endings jangling excruciatingly as they respond to a gentle chilli embrace is a somewhat less than pleasant experience, a pain only alleviated by dousing the effected organ with milk or yoghurt. This is unlikely to appeal to most people, unless they're Max Mosley (who isn't even slightly a Nazi at all).

Have you ever had a tingle in your dingle? I'd love to know.


MJ said...

I want to know more about how you discovered that "dousing the effected organ with milk or yoghurt" would soothe the dingle tingle.

MJ said...

Were you in Dingal when you got the dingle tingle?

garfer said...

I prefer not to divulge.

Cynthia Plastercaster was not involved.

Strawberry yoghurt is reputed to soothe best, although some swear by hazelnut.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

We're chilli addicts too.

I don't know why, but they make my nose run and sometimes make me hiccup (hiccough? - I prefer hiccup).

garfer said...

Yes, nose running is also a symptom. I find that lager counteracts this.

KAZ said...

According to your link "Scotch Bonnets have a heat rating of 150,000–325,000 Scoville Units".

Now that's enough to tingle anyone's dingle!
Even Piggy's.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

*agrees with kaz*

garfer said...

That's enough to shrink even the most enormous dingle to the size of a raisin.

As Piggy's is only sultana size to begin with I don't suppose the difference would be as noticeable.