Monday, July 07, 2008

Bugger Bognor

I'm fed up with newspaper travel supplements waxing lyrical on the delights of Caribbean and Pacific idylls where cocktails are sipped on bleached wood balconies as azure seas glimmer seductively.

All very well and good I suppose, if you can afford it; which I can't unless I decide to liquidate my rapidly depreciating UK property assets. Actually, that might not be such a bad idea as I'm increasingly of the view that hoarding assets to fund a sybaritic retirement is a fools game. What's the point? I'll just end up a decrepit old crumbly leering pointlessly at nineteen year old lovelies and imagining what it would be like to bounce 50 pence coins off their firm young stomachs (among other things). Either that or I'll get dementia and they'll wheel me off to a old folks home that smells of boiled cabbage and wee. Then they'll steal all my money to pay for the indignity of dribbling in a high chair and being forced to participate in cumpulsory 'Heigh Ho Silver Lining' singalongs.

Unfortunately I'm not brave enough to say 'fuck it' and squander all my readies on jet set travel and louche living. Maybe I should emulate campervanman and spend six weeks touring the British coastline. I have already indicated my love of British seaside resorts, so this cheap and cheerful escapade definitely appeals.

I'm sure I could produce an interesting tour guide, complete with evocative descriptions of furtive couplings beneath disused piers and alcoholic cider swilling vagrants raving at seagulls. I would complete my tour at Sanna Bay, the most splendid sweep of beach and dunes in Britain. There is nothing tawdry there to tempt the tourist, just the swell of the atlantic and sunsets filtered through the clear northern light.


Arabella said...

To Sanna from Tobermory I take - which bus?

garfer said...

Helicopter I think.

Betty said...

I love the British coastline too and have been holidaying in Britain for the past couple of years.

Unfortunately, it's not actually much cheaper than holidaying abroad, and you also have about a ninety per cent chance of the break being ruined by continuous bloody rain. So it looks as if we'll be be buggering up the environment again and travelling abroad next year.

MJ said...

To acclimatize yourself early to The Home, visit Tazzy and Piggy.

Their house smells of boiled cabbage and wee.

And you can bounce 50 pence coins off Tazzy's firm botty.

Piggy's, not so much.

garfer said...


I live on the coast and make a living letting holiday cottages. My rates are very reasonable given that I am a vile rentier capitalist. I could offer you a good deal.


I doubt if gold doubloons would bounce off Piggy's saggy posterior.

KAZ said...

Sanna sounds very nice.
But I'm no snob - I went to Blackpool last week.
So Kiss Me Quick!

Crazyrivergirl said...

Aye, just swell...and so damned difficult to get to.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Saggy? Fucking saggy?

Cheeky cunts.

My arse is quite firm, I'm quite happy to inform you.

*glares at mj*

garfer said...


The hoi congregate in Blackpool, I much prefer Eastbourne.


Yes, single track roads.


Thank God for implants eh? I bet Katie Price is green with envy.

Piggy and Tazzy said...


*squashes 6 dozen tunnocks teacakes in frustration*

MJ said...

"*squashes 6 dozen tunnocks teacakes in frustration*"...

Between his flabby arse cheeks.

pissoff said...

The visual of Piggy squishing those Tunnocks Teacakes between his butt cheeks just made me vomit.