Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Don't Let's be Beastly to the Germans


Don't let's be beastly to the Germans
When the age of peace and plenty has begun.
We must send them steel and oil and coal and everything they need
For their peaceable intentions can be always guaranteed.
Let's employ with them a sort of 'strength through joy' with them,
They're better than us at honest manly fun.
Let's let them feel they're swell again and bomb us all to hell again,
But don't let's be beastly to the Hun.

Noel Coward

Jurgen the German is back in force this year. The whole country is groaning under the weight of panzer division BMW's driven by Evas and Hermans, the morning air redolent with bratwurst and sauerkraut.

I pride myself on my ability to spot a German from twenty paces. They have a very particular smart casual style, the emphasis clearly on the smart with well pressed denims and immaculate mountain jackets in lurid colours. They also all wear expensive spectacles, which I take to be a particular German fetish. It's probably a displacement for lederhosen.

Germany's somewhere we don't tend to holiday. I don't know why; it has beautiful countryside, cities with magnificent culture and architecture, and damn fine beer. I don't think it's got much to do with the war any more. We don't have to suffer the cringe factor of being the poor neighbours, and we can't use the excuse of not speaking the lingo as most Germans speak English.

I think it's probably because the Germans are too much like us. Worse than that, they're better at being us than we are: better at football, better beer drinkers, better sausage eaters, better at building cars.

Perhaps we should just declare ourselves a province of Germany. Things could only get better, and we wouldn't have to suffer being governed by Scotsmen.

It's worth a thought.

18 comments:

Mopsa said...

No, it's not worth a second's cogitation. But my goodness that bra looks painful! Do all the Germans wear them like that (chaps too??)

Betty said...

It's that Heidi Clump that my husband likes, innit?

I can remember stopping at a motorway service station while travelling through Germany. There must've been some kind of Bavarian society meeting going on. Dozens of portly blokes in their 50's and 60's with thin bandy legs and beer guts wearing lederhosen walked past us. I've never really recovered from that experience.

KAZ said...

Careful Garfy

I once did a post about Germans and had a complaint so I had to delete it.

They are very fond of taking their clothes off though - aren't they?

garfer said...

That, mopsa, is a Wunderbra if ever I've seen one. I can't comment on German manboobs, not having fondled any or having any desire to do so.

Don't rule anything out, I am sure you have some fine Friesan cattle on your farm.

Holidays are obviously a bad idea for a sensitive soul like you betty, you just end up getting traumatized.

garfer said...

My comments on Germans were wholly complimentary Kaz.

They are partial to taking their clothes off, especially if they're beardy pipe smokers (and that's just the Frauleins.

Rimshot said...

Finally someone gets it! We're a very fine sort of folk once you get to know us.

German. Its the right thing to do

MJ said...

I can't get past their mixing sandals with socks.

garfer said...

I think I'll be complimentary about the Dutch next rimshot. Their sheer inoffensiveness needs lauding.

They don't knit though MJ, you have to give them that.

paula said...

They don't think they are (better than us). But they do it with earnest (trying) nakedness (well, can be interesting).

garfer said...

Yes Paula, they do excel at running about in the nude. It must be very bracing in the Baltic.

Peevish McSnark said...

My department head at school is German. No speccies, and he keeps his clothes on (thank God!). All I can think of is that SNL skit called Sprockets...

garfer said...

You have no idea what he gets up to out of school hours peevish.

Perhaps being a nekkid speccie is his favourite extra curricular activity.

MJ said...

Apparently I speak German (badly) with a Scottish accent because my German teacher was a Scot.

AchhhhTUNG, baby!

garfer said...

What's the German for haggis? He didnae teach ye that did he.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

All German wimmin look like lesbo's.

This is a true fact.

Especially the one's that wear those lesbo-style spectacles.

I'll stop now, before I get myself into bother.

garfer said...

Even when they aren't lesbos they are quite butch. I wouldn't argue with one as I would be sure to lose if it came to a fight, which it probably would.

The Dotterel said...

There's a famous story about German soldiers in WW1 claiming that the British should be fighting with them, not against them. And 40 generations ago, many of us WERE Germans!

garfer said...

Yes dotterel.

Some would argue that Elizabeth Sax Coburg-Gotha Windsor still is one.