Sunday, November 16, 2008

Where and Why?

The Grauniad has a very useful section in its Saturday magazine where metrosexual Londoners suggest that we all move to some provincial hell hole where the air is cleaner, a blow job behind the gas works costs a fiver, and there are several local state schools in which your offspring will learn how to do sums and write in short poorly punctuated sentences.

Last weeks Shangri La was Lancaster. I haven't been to Lancaster, and although I'm sure it's very nice I have absolutely no desire to visit the place let alone live there. One of the locals opined that: "Lancaster has a healthy arts scene, lesbian community, cycling fraternity and is a stronghold of the Green party. It's full of artists and musicians, with Freehold its Latin Quarter!

I suppose it would be mildly diverting watching sandal wearing lesbo cycling groups pedalling about telling people off for using plastic carrier bags, but the novelty would probably wear off pretty quickly. Whenever anyone tells you that a town has a thriving arts scene this invariably means that the rest of the place resembles a post apocalyptic wasteland and is patrolled by squads of inebriated morons in search of arty types to kick the shit out of.

Being a sensitive soul I'm sure that Lancaster isn't the place for me. Perhaps I should try somewhere safer like Moss Side, or Toxteth.

11 comments:

MJ said...

A blowjob in my old neighbourhood in Toronto cost only 5 dollars Canadian (2.7 British Pounds).

garfer said...

Canucks have always been cheap, as the Queen Mum used to say.

KAZ said...

For once we agree.
So get your target practice in, we'll meet up at the corner of Moss Lane and have a walk round Alexandra park.

But I'm not sure a Moss Side blow job is quite what you're looking for.

The Dotterel said...

I thought this was about lesbians in Lancaster?

MJ said...

That's because so many Scots immigrated to Canada.

Sniffy said...

Ideal for pathetic Grauniad readers then.

Nobs, the lot of them.

Ron Knee said...

Back here in the sticks of Lincolnshire we grown our own denim and knit our own yoghurt, amongst other things. In the evening we put telephone coil wire on our heads under a tea cosy and listen to our i-pods on headphones.

garfer said...

Lincolnshire worries me. It's the sort of flat place people lose their marbles and run amok with chainsaws.

EmmaK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
EmmaK said...

I am so tired of you city folk wanting to sample the rich variety of pudenda that finds itself up here. I am very upset with this publicity and am pretty sure our annual tourist puller, The Nude Lancashire Lesbos Celebrity Cyclathon will have to be cancelled due to too much publicity by your esteemed blog and also the Grauniad.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I guess it depends how important it is to be somewhere you stand out! Some people relish being the big fish in the little pond, others want to be with other big fish in a big lake.

Or something.