Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Doomed

Apparently we're all due to start sneezing blood and drowning in our own lung fluid any day now. I'm quite excited by this as I've always fancied strolling down the street ringing my bell and shouting 'bring out yer dead'.

I don't see what all the fuss is about. Given that flu pandemics usually effect city dwellers I should be safe if I decide to live in a cave and subsist on tinned sardines and cider. I may have to use my tin opener to fend off any thieving vagrants attempting to steal my stash, but you have to be tough if you want to survive.

Perhaps It'll be like The Day of the Triffids and I'll be able to hole up in a nice old farm house with some other hardy survivors. We'll drink vintage claret and listen avidly to short wave radio. A shotgun or two will come in handy, and thankfully that's just the sort of thing you tend to find in old farm houses.

Surviving appeals as there would be no excuse for not eating all the tinned and processed foods that I could lay my hands on. Booze is particularly rich in nutrients, so all cellars and sideboards would have to be thoroughly searched.

It would all be more Marx Brothers than Mad Max, and it it would certainly be more fun than worrying about the size of my overdraft.

10 comments:

Sniffy said...

It'd be quite fun being a survivor of a large-scale disaster (but not like in Dead Set because they all got it in the end). I wonder if I'd get bored, probably, but imagine the fun scouring the planet for those individuals similar to you, then finding them and discovering they were total cunts.

KAZ said...

Just gargle with the vodka daaahling.
*chucks it over*.

MJ said...

Guinness is a meal in a glass.

pissoff said...

Will Smith survived for a couple of years in "I am Legend." Then some chick found him and he died finding the cure and saving her.

Here on Pissoff's farm we'd be able to last a good long time. I've got a pellet gun, two pigs, two dogs, two cats and two kids - enough food to feed me for ages.

Arabella said...

Won't y'all be able to feast off grey squirrels for years?
A Squirrel Melt is tastier than a Possum Gratin any day.

Peevish McSnark said...

28 days later... just sayin'

I just had my flu shot. Let the little ones cough and sneeze now!

garfer said...

Armageddon, Apocalypse.....bring 'em on.

Those squirrel suckers better prepare to be bbq'ed.

FirstNations said...

lacking only giant killer mutant oil-producing ambulatory orchids whapping away at the windows with their dreaded 'long whippy French Kiss of Death' pistils.
other than that, you make it sound positively idyllic. you could sit around while the rest of the world dies and compose a 'Decameron' for the new millenium! Or just load up on pricey booze and pee in the potted plants.

FirstNations said...

..hey! what if the flu mutates and produces a race of snuffly, wheezing zombies that go lurching around the countryside scattering tissues and eating brains?

because these things always end up with zombies, you know.

EmmaK said...

I too look forward to some major and exciting disease that will kill us all like maybe the Plague. I like to think I'd be hardier than most and when everyone died I could loot all the sweet shops and off licences. Well, a girl can dream can't she?