Thursday, May 11, 2006

Land Blubber



£4,000 o.n.o

Alas, my Captain Ahab days are at an end. No more shall this blogger sail the wide and briny oceans; engage in armed altercations with Thai pirates on the South China Sea, slumber beneath a rustling palm tree in the arms of a dusky Polynesian maiden, or land $50,000 bales of cocaine on a deserted and pristine Hebridean beach.

The old girl really has to go. I have grown immune to her charms, and she hasn’t dipped her keel in the sea for over two years. It was a brief and rewarding infatuation, a torrid but ultimately shallow affair that has now run aground. There shall be no hard feelings, and the circumstances of our parting amicable.

I have decided to use the proceeds from her sale to purchase a Landrover. This will necessitate the adoption of a Golden Retriever, and the wearing of a deerstalker hat. I imagine that I will look quite the country squire, although there is a slim possibility that small boys will point at me and shout ‘who’s that twat?’

The old dear is for sale for a very reasonable £4,000. With a touch of mascara and some new war paint I have no doubt that she will prove a credit to her new owner. Any blogger who wishes to purchase her will be reassured to learn that I accept all major international credit and charge cards.

Any prospective North American purchasers can easily reach Scotland by a 4/5 hour flight. At a stupendous top speed of eight knots, it should only take three weeks or thereabouts to complete the return journey. I am sure that the old girl would draw many admiring glances at Key Largo, or a swanky marina in New England.

Aristocratic class will always out. Better a stained and crumpled suit cut by Gieves and Hawkes of Saville Row than an immaculate new seersucker suit in wrinkle free fabric rustled up by a greasy Italian in New Jersey.

9 comments:

First Nations said...

Good looking boat. Good for you, too, that you kept it ashore and didn't leave it to rot at dock. I hate seeing a once-nice cruiser half sunk from seaweed and marine worms and going to hell.

S.I.D. said...

Yes, but will it float?

S.I.D. said...

Oh, its ok Garfy. I didnt see the wheels there.

Their a bit small though.

Kyahgirl said...

I'm impressed that you know the name of a Saville row suitmaker!

And didn't you go through a Landrover phase already? I thought I recalled reading that you had one and got rid of it because only old gits and twats drove them? Am I mistaken?

You're not an old git yet at a mere 39 and I'd never stoop so low as to call you a twat. So what gives?

MHN for short said...

What will Oscar say to the adoption of a "stupid dog"?

*no offense to the dog lovers out there. Cats instinctively know that they are superior beings.*

funny thing said...

What's her name?

I used to have a tipper truck called Arabella :)

Arabella said...

I will do my best to be amused by that.
Sniff.

pissoff said...

4,000 pounds... A bit too expensive for me. However, should you get that please remember the Pissoff New Car Fund which would be happy to store your money in the meantime.

garfer said...

I am always happy to assist the poverty stricken in uncivilised developing nations.

I could contribute £1, or some old socks, if that would help.