Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Lard.


I’ve no personal objection to vegans: each to their own I say. As long as they sit quietly in a corner chomping on a cauliflower I resist the urge to assault them.

As far as I see it, I am descended from a 4’ 2” Kalahari bushman who spent most of his time rushing about, and pausing for a bit of a sit down and snooze behind a convenient shrub. This vantage point provided him with the unexpected opportunity to skewer a passing antelope with a pointy stick. Voila, meat.

Whilst he was engaged in this frenetic activity, his women folk were scouring a 100 mile radius in search of nuts and berries. Arriving back at camp, woman had foraged for, and obtained, the essential ingredients for beer, while man had provided the meat. Consequence: barbeque with booze. Everyone danced around for a week or so and then repeated the process.

One of the joys of modern civilisation is the ready availability of saturated fats in meat products, and beer in tins/bottles. No hanging around beneath a bush for modern Homo sapiens: just a short stroll to the off licence and kebab shop. If this isn’t a prime example of the onwards and upwards march of the human race then I’m a Koala bear with an antipathy to eucalyptus.

I like fat. Chips cooked in beef dripping, lovely; half a packet of butter squashed into a baked potato, delightful. I don’t eat processed crap, so I’m sure it’s not doing me any harm (ditto, salt).

I think I’ll found a treatment clinic for food freaks. Compulsory pepperoni pizzas all round and brownie points for excessive beer consumption.

I bet I’d make almost as much money as Robert Atkins.

15 comments:

Kyahgirl said...

Yum, your clinic sounds great. You could be on to something.

Wyndham said...

I have a personal objection to vegans - their breath mainly. Have you smelt a Vegan's breath? Not pleasant.

First Nations said...

count me in.
our dentition reveals our fate: omnivores.

S.I.D. said...

There is nothing as sexy as a block of lard dissolving in the frying pan before cooking.


Bring it on*.



*Did not mean the early heart attack

suburban wonder said...

MMmmmmmm - butter! Lard makes the best pie crust, too. Mmmmmmm - red meat and pepperoni pizza! MMmmmmmmm - your diet sounds loverly.

I'm not down with the vegan lifestyle. First nations has it right - my ancestors did not bite and claw their way up from the bottom of the food chain for me to spurn meat.

Convict said...

Would it also include the "Light" menu of deep fried fried Mars bars?

pissoff said...

100% fat... you can't beat it.

garfer said...

Deep fried Bounty bars are rather toothsome.

I also like those Chinese battered bananas drenched in syrup. Lush.

funny thing said...

I tried being vegan once.
This was due to suffering migraines, not from an urge to hug trees, I'll have you know.
I lasted about 4 days.

Cheese. It's the new beef.

Mmmm...

garfer said...

I like cheese, but not as much as I like curry...oh no.

funny thing said...

curry is a particular favourite of mine too, especially accompanied with beer.

Fortunately, neither of these need to contain either meat, or lard.

Faltanus said...

a romantic little story about your bushman ancestors....of course you do realize your forefather spent a whole lot more time eating grubs than he did eating antelopes.

still, i'm totally with you on that lard thing. yum!

in celebration of our ancient ancestors....fried maggots, anyone?

GreatSheElephant said...

The reasons vegans smell is that the only way to make their meals taste of anything is to drown them in onions and garlic.

I find it suspicious how extraordinarily unhealthy most vegans look - malnourished and spotty.

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