Wednesday, October 24, 2007

What's the frequency Kenneth?

Some names are just rubbish.

Kenneth for example. Anyone who allows themselves to be called Kenneth in public probably has buck teeth, big hairy ears, and the most execrable dress sense this side of Elton John. Even the diminutive 'Ken' sucks. It evokes images of youth club leaders who like to fiddle with their bits in public. As for 'Kenny', that's just pure Country 'n' Western retard material.

Then there's Richard. Not such a bad name in itself. It wouldn't be so bad if people called Richard called themselves Richard. Unfortunately they don't: it has to be 'Rick', 'Dickie', 'Rickie', or 'Richie'. I feel inclined to assault them with my surfboard.

I'm not telling you my name. It's not as bad as Ebeneezer or Nebuchadnezzar, or quite as embarassing as Rupert, but it's still mildy discomfiting.

If only I'd been called Harrison. Things could have turned out so differently.


Alex M said...

Confession time:

My actual first name is Colin - a name reserved for sitcom pets and the type of man who wears novelty ties. Alex is my middle name. Fortunately nobody calls "Colin" any more. Not even my mother, who prefers "ColinIMeanAlex" instead.

garfer said...

Colin also has kiddie fiddling connotations.

Alex is more like it. Delete your middle C.

MJ said...

Ken Barlow.

Ken Carson (Barbie doll's boyfriend) ... has no penis.

garfer said...

I've often wondered if Barbie castrated him after he suggested they indulge in some vile sexual perversions.

Action Man doesn't have a penis either.

MJ said...

I'm going to be wondering about your discomfiting real name for the rest of the day.

I'm certain it has to be one of the following:


Am I right?

garfer said...

Wrong on all counts.

It's actually Theophilus P Wildebeest III.

MJ said...

What does the P stand for?


garfer said...

Philodopodopolis actually.

Me ma was Greek.

Rimshot said...

I feel your pain.

(real name withheld)

Reg Pither said...

What a shocking piece of vitriol aimed at a defenceless minority! I hope you are ashamed of yourself!!
There is absolutely nothing embarrassing about names whatsover.
Yours defensively and disgustedly,
Nobby Flangefiller,
Loose Sphincter Cottage,
Bognor Regis.

Arabella said...

Geography is a factor too. For instance, Gerard can be ok in Ireland but the moment you get off the ferry it's fey.
Woops. It's not "Gerard" is it?

First Nations said...

I'm here.
now that i'm here, are you going to fuck off again for parts unknown with nary a word? or blog on alternate thursdays during the dark of the moon? short, angsty posts full of shortness and angst?

bring it, garfy.

First Nations said...

...and your name is probably something like 'Weaselbutt Flaphanger Mc Pancreas bar Sinister Onsize Fitzhall.'

...and you probably have a big tulip bulb up your butt too.

First Nations said...

*runs off sobbing*

S.I.D. said...

I reckon your name is Garfield.


KAZ said...

Edward's OK but Edgar isn't.

Betty said...

My real name is fairly easy to pronounce, but people decide it's unpronouncable and say "that sounds foreign - is it Polish?" so I'm not going to pass judgement on anyone who has an embarrassing name. Instead, I blame the parents, who are cunts.

Mopsa said...

I don't dare comment - I'm bound to offend someone!

garfer said...


Thanks for your heartfelt concern.


'bugger Bognor' (George V)


You share a name with the heartless cow who tortured poor Jude Fawley in 'Jude the Obscure'. For shame.


There are no weasels in Ireland, but there are stoats. So there.


Roland Rat more like.


All Edgars have waxed moustashes. Tossers.


Polish? I could do with another cleaner. I might even pay you the minimum wage, if I like you.

garfer said...

Offend away Mopsa. It's a popular sport roound these parts.

Arabella said...

Is the pig-killing scene with Arabella better than the hanging scene with Sue? I've never been able to choose. You decide.

garfer said...

I like the bit were Jude dies and Arabella goes to the pub.

Had her priorities right that girl.

suburban wonder said...

You try being a Bronwen in the US. It's not easy, what with everyone mispronouncing, misspelling, and asking stupid questions like "Gee, guess your parents really wanted a boy, huh?"

Arthur Garfer has a nice ring to it.

garfer said...

Bronwen sounds like an Ewok name. A Welsh Ewok that is.

Barfer Garfer sounds even better.

Old Knudsen said...

Timothy and Philip are soft shite names that need beaten up. I'm ashamed to say that after the whole Kenneth Williams/ Dickie Davis sex scandal I trolled round the streets of Killamory looking for gheys with the "Mallon" streak in their hair to kill, didn't find any but its not the serial killing its the thought that counts.

garfer said...

Appaently Kenneth and Dickie had a love child. A mini Freddie Mercury with a full on Mallon streak.

Whipsnade Zoo does viewings on a Thursday (invitation only).

MJ said...

Another rubbish name...


garfer said...

And Tracey, and Gavin.

MJ said...


garfer said...

Todds are bonehead American football players who flip burgers.

MJ said...

Let's not get started on American names.

*whispers Bubba*

S.I.D. said...

How about Canadian names?

*whispers MJ*

garfer said...

We have a chewing gum over here called 'Hubba Bubba'.

Canucks all have stupid names, especially the French ones.

MJ said...

Thanks SID and Garfy. Turn it around to Canuckistan, will you?

Right then. What's so funny about these French-Canadian boys' names?


Basically, all you have to do is take the name "Jean" and add another name onto it, e.g. "Jean-Guy," and you've named your baby in French Canada.

MJ said...

Why don't we do one on stupid Irish names?

Mick, Paddy, Seamus, SID.

garfer said...

Stupid Irish names? Don't be ridiculous. We sport the likes of
Cuchulain and

Nuff said.