Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Porkies


Pigs are intelligent creatures, I've always felt guilty about eating them. Dogs are retards in comparison; you won't find your average porker licking it's balls, or chasing the postman's van in a gormless fashion. We don't eat Fido, although by rights we should.

I wish I could desist from eating pork. Very tasty it is, but I can't help but feel a bit of a cannibal as I tuck into a nice juicy chop. I have no doubt that were I to detach an infants limb with a chainsaw and roast it with some shallots the resultant meal would be as redolent with porcine unctuousness as Mr Piggy.

It's no surprise that Pacific island cannibals used to refer to Johnny sailorman as 'longpig' as they simmered him with some fragrant herbs in a big pot. Being a white fellah they probably thought he was an exotic variety of pig anyway, so you can't really blame them.

Perhaps the war on obesity could be won by forcibly detaching beer bellies and roasting them slowly with honey and star anise. Fat tasty grub would be guaranteed for all and there would be fewer wobbly folk ambling about.

That would definitely be a hog roast to remember.

23 comments:

KAZ said...

Thank God you didn't suggest detaching a dog's limb with a chainsaw.
You really would have got complaints!

My fave food is a King prawn which closely resembles an infant's limb when you think about it.

Betty said...

"... you won't find your average porker licking its balls, or chasing the postman's van in a gormless fashion. "

Hmm, there are a few men I've met who you probably could find licking their balls or chasing the postman's van in a gormless fashion.

That thought makes me feel a bit more guilty about eating a bacon sandwich.

garfer said...

kaz

A King prawn makes me visualise a foetus limb I'd rather not go there.

betty

The male penchant for trouser/balls rearrangement suggests that we aren't much further up the evolutionary ladder than the oinkers.

MJ said...

Betty's confused me.

I thought you called them "bacon butties" over there.

At least they do at Roy's Rolls.

garfer said...

That's the uncouth northerners, some of whom also call them 'barms'.

MJ said...

What then, of the word "sarnie"?

Enlighten me, oh sagacious one.

garfer said...

Sarnie is a word used to describe sandwiches by working class oiks, usually called Arnie or Barney.

Murph said...

I suppose licking pork balls is intelligent then.

garfer said...

The average hound will lick anything with gusto, including its own doings.

I don't know why we allow them in the house.

Cats make fur balls, but they don't lick them.

MJ said...

When's the last time you were around a pussy?

My cat licks his balls.

garfer said...

I have a wildcat, no tame pussy for me.

Your cat obviously requires counseling, which doesn't surprise me in the slightest.

MJ said...

All male cats lick their balls.

How else are they supposed to keep clean?

Their tongues are like miniature loofahs.

Puppy and Hippo said...

Belly pork makes us heave.

It's nothing other than soft pork scratchings.

Yuk!

garfer said...

Clearly you fear for the fate of your belly should my sensible policy be implemented.

pissoff said...

The thought of eating a beer bellied longpig horrifies me. They're no where near as clean as a pig (just think of the stench they would make on the roaster) - and I should know, I just cleaned the pig's pen out yesterday.

garfer said...

Surely the thought of the nemesis trussed up and turning slowly over a pit of glowing coals as you cackle and apply the marinade must fill you with delight.

Think on.

Peevish McSnark said...

Mmmmmmm, pig! How delicious. But then, you know me - a true gourmande.

And, speaking of pigs, I don't know of any male creature, given the ability and opportunity to lick its own testicles, that wouldn't give it a whirl.

Ponygirl said...

The only reason pigs don't lick their balls is because they can't reach - they don't exactly bend in the middle the way a dog does. Otherwise I am sure they would give it a try....

I'll take pig in any way, shape or form... all is tasty pig parts.... yummy!

Go to parts of SE Asia - they eat dogs AND pigs.

garfer said...

Peevish

You may have a point. Iguanas should be good at ball licking, having big tongues an' all.

ponygirl

I'm sure a pig breeder somewhere would produce a porker with sufficient flexibility to validate your theory.

MJ said...

I'd lick my bollocks if I had a pair.

garfer said...

Why not knit a pair MJ? You could model them on your blog.

Piggy said...

I'd kick MJ's bollocks if she had a pair.

garfer said...

You're not tall enough Piggy.

I can lend you a step ladder if you like.