Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Badiddlyboing Idaho

Sat quietly minding my own business (contemplating impending bankruptcy, nekkid Uma Thurman - that kind of thing) in my favourite Chinese restaurant I was somewhat perturbed when a large party of baseball cap wearing Americans burst through the doors.

They were definitely from hicksville; possibly Iowa, or North Dakota, but more probably Boise Idaho. There was much settling of bubble perms and rearrangement of baseball caps as they sat down to contemplate the menu. One of them exclaimed: "Gee, I can't believe we're about to eat Chinese in Scaaatland!.

What, I felt like asking, is so unusual about eating Chinese food in Scotland? What did they expect? Compulsory haggis and neeps? A chunk of smoked salmon served with a side order of lightly sautéed sporran? They must have been really confused when the Chinese waiter taking their order spoke with a Glaswegian accent.

I dare say it was a culturally enriching experience for them. Seeing the Loch Ness monster won't even come close when it comes to funding their store of after dinner anecdotes back home in Boise.


Bollix said...

Are you sure they were Americans? Not that I doubt your ability to pinpoint accents from our global cousins of course. Only.. I was in Largs this morning, and to be honest it felt like I was in California.

Everybody there (Largs) wears a baseball cap at a slightly rakish angle, was chewing bubbly gum, and talking as though they had just arrived from Inglewood.

Has plaid trousers come back into fashion and nobody bothered to tell me? And why exactly would I want to go home and fuck my mother, as requested by the young Ned who was sitting on my car?

Peevish McSnark said...

The real question is why would ANYONE on hols in Scotland go eat Chinese food? I mean, that's as ridiculous as going to France and dining Chez McDonald's. Yet, people seem to do it regularly.

Cretins, the lot of them.

Puppy and Hippo said...

I fucking hate haggis.

I sometimes wonder if really am a wee Highland boy - given that I hate haggis, the sound of the bagpipes, heather and never once caught sight of Nessie, despite living at the side of the loch for the first 25 years of my life.

Not even when drunk!

MJ said...

They're from Buttfuck, Saskatchewan.

KAZ said...

A colleage who taught Italian was Scottish.
A parent complained - 'How on earth could he teach proper italian with a Scottish accent'?

Poor you.
I hope you still managed to enjoy your meal.

garfer said...


Largs has a particularly large cro magnon ned contingent, probably due to all that inbreeding.


I was tempted to point out the Indian restaurant across the road, but I didn't want to confuse them further.

puppy and hippo

Most Jocks only touch the stuff on Burns Night, because they have to. It proves they're Scottish and in touch with their inner peasant.


They didn't ask for maple syrup instead of soy sauce, do they can't have been Canucks.


Spag Bol's the same in any language. Inedible.

MJ said...

Apparently I speak German with a Scottish accent as my German teacher was a Scot.


Bollix said...

It's not the first thing to come out of MJ's mouth that has had a Scottish flavour to it.

Anonymous said...

Once saw a group of lost Americans in Camden Town, London. Talking between themselves and trying to decide what to do about the situation I overheard the obvious "daddy" of the group say, as he glanced around and saw a bunch of chavs dressed in shell suits and trainers seated on a bench drinking special brew "Hey, shall I get directions from those athletes on that seat over there?"

True story!

Anonymous said...

LARGS! I wuz there jest four weeks ago! Went across on that they ferry to the Island.

The good fish and chipper is gone, turned into a chinese or summat. Pity.

Anonymous said...

Your post truly made me laugh out loud. While on holiday in Scotland we ate at a Chinese restaurant in Fort William. It was crap. We didn't don any baseball caps but we did have to beg for ice cubes.

I've always wondered why everyone in the UK are so skimpy with their ice. It's not like it's rocket science.

We ate Chinese because it was our only option after 7pm which is sort of what we found the norm to be for closing time on everything.

Enjoyed the trip though. Scotland is beautiful.