Saturday, January 10, 2009

Mudslides



Avalanches would be nice, if you had a tube of Deep Heat, a periscope, and a faithful St Bernard called Arnold hovering expectantly with a collar flask of Jamaican Rum.

That's a bit melodramatic.

I've been feeling old recently. Parts of my anatomy of which I have hitherto been unaware (and have no desire to know intimately) have startd to ache. I have no idea what they're yearning for; it's not as though I have strained them inadvertently by being athletic.

I beginning to think that cryogenic suspension is the only cure for my existential malaise.

Somebody wake me up when the Banks start lending again.

8 comments:

FirstNations said...

Hydrate, young Jedi. And no, single malt doesn't count. Has to be plain branch water.

now if you'll pardon me I have to teach my grandchild how to chew tobaccy in utero.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Just don't be tempted to rub that Deep Heat anywhere hazardous Garfer - unlike the urban legend couple who confused it with KY Jelly!

Seriously, as one who suffers from severe intermittent toothache (but knows for sure it is just a hangover from gum disease which has been successfully treated so all I need to do is take painkillers until it goes away again), I share your pain, but can testify from my own perspective that it often goes away again, not least when you know what it is and that nothing serious underlying is causing it.

The Mistress said...

If I insert the heel of my stiletto shoe up yer arse, you'll forget about your aches and pains.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you've got SAD (seasonal Affective Disease)? It's quite common here In Canada, where we get snowed in for weeks at a time and end up with cabin fever. Bright light, lots of Vitamin D and a good book usually get me through it.

And you really should try poutine! Rubbing it on the sore spots is much better for you than Deep Heat ...

pissoff said...

You're getting old Garfer. Try stripping off your clothes and going for a swim in the local loch. That should cure you or at least put you in a hypothermic state.

KAZ said...

Sorry - did you say "I have strained them inadvertently by being pathetic"?
My hearing isn't what it was.

The Mistress said...

Tessa: I say we tie him up and force-feed him poutine.

During this session, we shall wear tuques and play Celine Dion tunes on an endless loop.

MommyHeadache said...

Deep heat!! lol

I was masturbating a while back and as I sometimes do looked for something dildo shaped in the bathroom to use. Well I probably wasn't thinking straight because I grabbed a thing shaped like a big glue stick - I didn't know it but it was Deep Heat. I was going at it thinking, hmm, that feels hot. Soon it was torture, my labia was aflame, Deep Heat cream had seeped out the side of the lid. I ran screaming to the bathroom and tried to quench my burning bush etc etc