Monday, February 16, 2009

Considering the Lillies

I can't claim to be a hair shirt individual, but there are sufficient residual vestiges of Calvinism in my genes to ensure that I cannot splurge or waste without feeling annoying pangs of guilt. I cannot leave food uneaten on my plate (being instructed to think of the starving millions while at Primary School saw to that), I do not get drunk and dance jigs at the crossroads at midnight, and I do not have a sheaf of maxed out credit cards in my wallet.

Apparently we're all supposed to be spending our way out of recession, although how acquiring even more debt in order to dig ourselves out of our debt induced hole is supposed to do the trick escapes me. Still, who am I argue with the big brains at the Bank of England. I have decided to do my bit and shall be spending more on the following:

1) Big fuck off 21 day aged sirloin steaks. These are very tasty but very expensive. I'll be providing much needed relief for the beleaguered Scottish beef farmer and expect at least an OBE for my efforts.

2) Jaguars. My current gas gussler is starting to display the symptoms of old age in failed alternators and squeaky suspension bushings. The old dear will have to be put out to pasture and a newer and swisher temptress purchased.

3) Malt whisky. No more ghastly blends shall be imbibed. Only the fruit of the single malt, aged for at least ten years, shall be permitted to pass my lips.

I'm prepared to selflessly do my bit. I just hope that other people are prepared to make similar sacrifices and prevent a repeat of the 1930's.


MJ said...

I cannot leave food uneaten on my plate

You'll have trouble fitting into your superhero costume.

garfer said...

My superhero costume is vastly more stylish than your stripy tights.

Peevish McSnark said...

You are a true humanitarian, Garfy. I applaud your efforts.

Jimmy Bastard said...

I can supply you with some well hung Scottish meat. Its not quite beef, more a kind of tall chickeny, porky texture,covered in pastry, and the kids are guaranteed to get a finger each.

But then again, I'm sure you've eaten from 'Greggs' in Scotstoun before.

KAZ said...

I shall follow your excellent example Garfy by quaffing a Jeroboam of Bolly whilst bathing in asses milk and eating Belgian chocolate truffles from Belgium.
But I can't promise not to dance jigs at the crossroads whatever that has to do with it.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm not sure how the eating more and drinking more messages align with the being healthy and not binge drinking message. However, you are an example to us all. I'll eat more cakes. It'll be a struggle, but I'll cope. It was the mention of Gregg's that did it. I want a yum yum.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

'Starving millions at Primary School'? That Jamie Oliver has a lot to answer for with his pan-seared chilli souffle national roll-out.

The Sagittarian said...

Jaysus, my poor husband has both whiskey and a jaguar.
Hm. Perhaps my civic duty is to bump 'em off!

garfer said...


My selflessness astounds even me.


Greggs make top sausage rolls


Dance a jig at a Manchester crossroads at midnight and you'll be sectioned.

Madame DeFarge

Yum Yums are the acme of unctuousness.


Oliver should be basted with extra virgin olive oil and roasted over hot coals.


Your husband is obviously a real man. Count yourself lucky.

Betty said...

I'll be buying a mansion in Surrey, but apart from that I can't join you in spending, spending, spending.

I was brought up by frugal penny pinching parents and am one of those annoying people who goes around switching lights off in unused rooms and putting old bits of soap onto new soap bars.

EmmaK said...

I was brought up by a frugal penny pinching mother and nothing gives me more pleasure these days than wasting food, leaving lights on and turning the heating on whenever I like. As for stimulating the economy my blog is stimulating enough for most people - I don't want to be too provocative, put up a pic of my baps and cause heart attacks.

garfer said...


I salute your frugality. Can you lend me a tenner?


Flashing the baps is a surefire comment generator.

Malc said...

You are a paragon of virtue and I'll be backing your claims for an OBE at the next Orkney NFU meeting - should I ever be invited.

Can't get my head around the 'getting into more debt to solve all our problems' thing either.

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