Thursday, February 05, 2009


A strange woman came up to me today and asked (rather aggressively) "what does the W H in W H Smith stand for?". I was somewhat nonplussed by this and could only think to reply "dunno, but it used to be called John Menzies".

Odd people are constantly apprehending me in the street for no reason whatsoever. I seem to attract oddballs and borderline pychopaths like flypaper. I'd like to put this down to my magnetic personality, but I suspect that it may be because I look like a soft touch who will willingly listen to monologues about psychiatric wards, methadone, and multiple suicide attempts.

Unfortunately I don't hold the same allure for drop dead gorgeous women. I regard this as grossly unfair, and have decided to start looking mean and shifty. Gorgeous women always go for bastards and it should dissuade the mentally ill from tugging at my coat tails.

If anybody can suggest other surefire methods of keeping the mentalists at bay I'm all ears. They won't leave me alone.


Jimmy Bastard said...

"Gorgeous women always go for bastards...." "If anybody can suggest other surefire methods of keeping the mentalists at bay I'm all ears."

1) Stop wearing a R*****s shirt.
2) Leave your unicycle at home.
3) Lose the beard, but keep the stubble.
4) Growl.. loudly and often.
5) You live in Glesga, we're all heid the baws.
6) Stay out of Braehead shopping centre.
7) Drink more ginger
8) Leave the Tunnocks hair net for Tunnocks only.
9) Meet me in the Cleddans.
10) Don't wear your vest.


MJ said...

I adore you.

*adjusts tinfoil hat*

EmmaK said...

How to get rid of mentalists:

prod them with one of those electric shock sticks for dogs? Do this surreptitiously as I believe it MAY be illegal

Tim Footman said...

What about dropdead gorgeous mentals? Eh?

the projectivist said...

so, did you find out in the end what the W H stands for?

i haven't a clue how to keep the mentalists away, that's why i'm going to take Jimmy Bastard's advice and grow a beard.

Sniffy said...

No suggestions I'm afraid. I just go for avoiding places where there are people, that does it for me.

Mopsa said...

You wanna gorgeous, you a gotta be gorgeous. Or rich. Stinking rich. Gorgeous and clever no go a together, so make a some money. Loadsa money.

Betty said...

I used to attract mentalists, especially if I was travelling on public transport.

(a) Don't travel on public transport.

(b) Carry a lethal weapon. If you can't avoid 'em - shoot 'em.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Nah, it's the free Tunnocks teacakes that does it. Works every time.

Except on me - I get very freaked out by food with no discernably identifiable ingredients (let alone vitamin content). Brown Windsor soup also scares me.

Madame DeFarge said...

Just stare at them and ask them if they've been saved. Either you strike up a nice wee chat about religious experiences or they run a mile. Works for me.

Ron Knee said...

The phrase "feck OFFFF" usually works fer me.