Saturday, February 21, 2009


Burglars should be met with extreme prejudice; we're not talking withheld offers of cups of tea here, we're talking electrocution in bath tubs after partial immersion. That'd learn them, and a good swallow of Radox bath salts after the event would be the least they deserve.

Mice have been troubling me recently, but not as much as the bastard presumptuous youthful piss off merchant Pine Marten who has taken up residence in my office. How the fucker is getting in has had me tapping walls like Basil Fawlty with an inadvertent erection.

This relative of the weasel has been crapping over my towels, nibbling the complimentary minuscule guest soaps, and having his way with the UHT milk cartons and demerera sugar sachets. If he was a Red Squirrel there is a chance that I could be dissuaded from divesting him of his nuts but in this instance I have no alternative but to send in the cat.

Unfortunately the cat is a coward.


Jimmy Bastard said...

Holy fecking mother of god, my man! How can you quibble about yonder bastart Pine Martens, when I have big trouble with my neighbours ass?

How would you like to come hame and find 3 metric tonnes of yer best cidey-apples fecked across the floor of your outhouse?

Haa.. Pine Martens indeed...ha!

Malc said...

Aren't pine martens protected? Careful, I have a feeling they have some powerful friends.

Madame DeFarge said...

At least they're not stealing your car keys. That would be both bad and headline grabbing. Buy a new cat and put them on performance related pay.

KAZ said...

Have a heart - that monster looks as though it could devour a cat in one gulp.
I think you should corner it and give it a good talking to!
That would scare anyone.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I like pine martens.

garfer said...


A quiet word from yer goodself will no doubt persuade your neighbour to cease his cider apple dumping activities forthwith.

Unfortunately Pine Martens do not listen to reason


Indeed, but the buggers are everywhere round these parts and know no fear.

Madame DeFarge

I think I need a Wolverine.


I'll corner it and show it my steel toecap.

Piggy and Tazzy

I like them too, the cheeky buggers. Unfortunately they just go too far sometimes.

MJ said...

Pine martens...pffftttt.

Come to Canada and have a moose in your garden.

garfer said...

Moose are noted for their stupidity. I say feh to your moose, the pine marten is a far superior adversary.

Arabella said...

Use sweets things to entice it into a non-deadly trap. Then keep it as a pet to impress the laydeez

MJ said...

You won't be so indifferent with an antler up yer arse.

garfer said...


Unfortunately I would have to keep him on a leash. If not he might decide to explore up the laydeez trouser legs.

That wouldn't impress them much.


You'd look good in a pair of comedy antlers.

scarlet-blue said...

Ahhhh... cute...
I'm easily impressed.

The Poet Laura-eate said...

Aw he's furry and cute - send him to me!

Nota Bene said...

oh that made me laugh...when you've caught him, stuff him and turn him into something useful like a draught excluder...or a loo roll cover...!

Peevish McSnark said...

He's cute, but not too cute to be taken out. You want I should call some people?

Mopsa said...

I'll eat him! I'll eat him!

小貓咪 said...