Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Howard the Dick

No, not that Howard

People called Howard deserve to have dreadful things happen to them; it's a crap name up there with Timothy and Kenneth in the 'his parents need a good slapping' stakes.

Howard had drunkenly wandered into a room full of posh penguin suit and taffeta gown clad revellers and helped himself to gin and champagne, as you do. He had a great night of it and managed not to throw up over anybody, the latter being a signal achievement as he was known as a chunderer of epic proportions when blootered.

Having free loaded to his hearts content he decided not to waste money on a taxi and trudged off in the general direction of home. Unfortunately he got a bit lost, and then it started to rain. He decided, in a flash of genius, to take shelter in a large gritting bin in which he fell into a drunken stupor.

Several hours later he woke to a dark sepulchral silence with not a baldy clue were he was. After much scrabbling at the bin lid he reached the natural conclusion that he had been buried alive. Fortunately for Howard his whimpering cries alerted a passing policeman who hauled him out of the bin. The policeman was not impressed and told him to "fuck off home" or he'd arrest him for wasting police time.

Howard, it's a good name for a nob.


FirstNations said...

...unless followed by 'Phillip Lovecraft'. careful,jocko.

Jimmy Bastard said...

God almighty.. thank the christ that your leaving the Tim's alone now that you have a Howard.

I happen to drink with a Howard, a nice wee fella with a bit of a stutter and spittle on his chin.
Always has a habit of not washing his hands when he's taken a shite.
Laughs before the punchline and the bastart never buy's a full round of drinks.

Actually... I think you could be right!

Betty said...

The blogging world is full of people whose real names are Timothy, Howard and Kenneth in real life, and I'm sure they'll all be deeply offended by your remarks.

I myself am really a Timothy :(

MJ said...

Howard's your real name, isn't it?

I'd like to put a frock on you and make you into an Emily Howard.

Or bend you over my knee so I could slap Howard's End.

garfer said...


H P Lovecraft is a pseudonym, his real name is Timothy Kenneth Twaddlewhiskers.


You could keep him as a mascot or have him stuffed and mounted above the bar at the Cleddans.


You have always displayed Timothy characteristics, it's good to hear you finally come out.


And what pray do your initials stand for?

Minging Jubblies? Miranda Juniperberry?

KAZ said...

If he does that again it will be Howard's End.

Arabella said...

I was waiting for E.M Forster to put in an appearance.
I am now happy.

garfer said...


I believe he's a barrister these days, which beggars belief. Howard's end has been extremely prosperous.


E. M Forster wrote a novel called Maurice, which is another crap name - especially if you pronounce it in the French manner.

Mopsa said...

How do you know all this Garfer? Is Howie yer best matey? And are you called Jeremy by any chance? Commiserations if so.

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