Monday, March 16, 2009

Gardening Leave

Gardening is one of the activities that I associate with terminal eccentricity: an inexplicable obsession with loamy soil; string bean training; an evangelical zeal to praise the soil aerating activities of earth worms.

I suppose it's fairly harmless as hobbies go. It certainly isn't as embarrassing as sado masochism or train spotting, and I'm sure potential partners could be sourced from the personal ads if the phrase 'herbaceous border' was artfully inserted among references to GSOH and WLTM.

Personally I don't garden; I haven't even dabbled in window boxes, fearing that a little herb cultivation may prove a to be a link drug leading to stupid floppy hats and corduroy.

Should Armageddon arrive I am afraid that I will have to rely on my stockpile of tinned ravioli and aged Scotch. When the shutters finally come down on civilisation I intend to go down smiling while the gardeners wave their sticks of celery fruitlessly.

Did I just mention fruit? No, I don't grow that either.


EmmaK said...

I love the results of gardening but being a slattern I prefer to employ sexy S American gardeners to do the dirty work in and out of the garden.

Peevish McSnark said...

I employ my husband for the gardening. If it's green, I kill it, unfortunately. This is a great disappointment to my father, the horticulturalist.

MJ said...

Well, you can lead a whore to culture but...

Never mind.

KAZ said...

I'm with you on the gardening Garfer.
But I don't mind the odd weed from time to time.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Everything looks so nice and green!

Betty said...

I've just done a bit of lawn mowing and cutting back of shrubs, which was tiresome but necessary, hence I'm feeling quite smug. Can't work up the enthusiasm to be a proper gardener though - if you do, you know you're on your way to the residential home.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm with you. Gardening does not make sense. I grow weeds and aim for a wild garden. beloved of birds who poop on my washing by way of thanks.

garfer said...


Aren't Somalians and North Koreans more to your taste? Get some in and get them to work on your pleasure palace gazebo. It's the least a gal deserves.


Not much chance of you growing hydroponic cannabis then.


you can't make her think.


Glasgae disnae do green, apart from Glasgae Green and Tims obviously.


Good to hear that you're 'digging for Britain'. It's your sort that saw us through the Blitz, oh yes.


This is why you spend so much time overseas. You are a drug mule smuggling in prime Moroccan hashish up Kev's jacksie.


Madame DeFarge

Look on the bright side, perverts might be nicking your smalls and selling them on ebay.

'Arnold Lane had a strange kind of hobby - washing line, baby blue'.

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