Wednesday, March 04, 2009


I have some rather pale guests staying at the moment. They aren't full on Goth in a Robert Smith wearing a fright wig kind of way, but they do apply a little eye-liner and dress exclusively in black.

Thing is, they haven't gone outside for the last three days. I'm beginning to suspect that I may have agreed to be mien host to a couple of the undead, their obvious aversion to daylight a clear indication of vampire tendencies.

I'm going to have to think of an excuse to knock them up, but short of procuring some virgins to tempt them into the great outdoors I'm short on ideas. Perhaps I should just stake (geddit?) the place out in case they decide to clear off without paying

I'm not scared because I've been eating lots of garlic and shall breathe over them if they attempt to disturb my beauty sleep. Anyway, vampires are infinitely preferable to werewolves. The Lycans keep the other guests awake with their howling and invariably chew the table legs and leave hairs all over the soft furnishings.


FirstNations said...

vampires are just another one of the day to day irritations inherent in the hospitality trade, like pimps and japanese businessmen. I can pass along the name of a reliable aftermath cleaning service if you need one.

EmmaK said...

Rather than trying to force them outside I'd just allow them to stay in their natural bat like habitat. Tell them the electricity's on the blink, switch off all lights and heating and let them scamper around in the dark.

Arabella said...

You'll "knock-up" the guests? It really is full bed and board.

This is my second vulgar comment here in a matter of days. I think MJ is growing on me. Aww.

MJ said...

Beauty sleep? You?

Don't make me laugh.

*rubs up against Arabella*

garfer said...


I may take you up on the offer. All those blood stains are such a trial.


Top tip. I don't normally approve of scampering but in this case I can see your logic.


Behave yourself! I used that phrase as it would appeal to the reliably prurient MJ. Now you've gone and stolen her thunder.

garfer said...


Nobody wants you rubbing up against them wearing your tinfoil hat.

KAZ said...

My favourite thing on TV at present is 'Being Human'. A vampire and a werewolf live in a house with a ghost.
Have you seen it?
The werewolf used to be one of the History Boys.

garfer said...


'Being Human' is excellent, although Annie is a bit too attractive and plump in all the right places to make an entirely convincing ghost.

Madame DeFarge said...

You really want to avoid zombies too. They make a mess of the house, chew up the living and generally lurch about, looking hungover.

They could just be from the west coast and thus naturally peely-wally.

Jimmy Bastard said...

Even worse.. they could be fae the east coast and turn oot to be train-spotting boabies, waiting to scadge your messages.

Best burn their clathes the night, just in case.