Sunday, August 09, 2009

The Black Velvet Band

So I wake up in the Lochmaddy Hotel, North Uist, with no idea where I am, what day it is, or where I left my lighter. I shamble down to the bar where I am presented with a ham sandwich and am informed that "the lads will be back for you tomorrow, and there's £50 behind the bar for you. You'll be going to South Uist next. I wouldn't if I were you, they're all Catholics and they don't wash".

It was all Miller's fault. He chose a yacht with no iPod connectivity and forgot to bring the CD's. All we had was a cassette tape compilation of Sean Murphy's greatest hits. A week spent cruising around the Hebrides listening to a ghastly Oirish crooner belting out 'The Black Velvet Band' is enough to drive even the most well adjusted individual demented.

Then the wind dropped and we discovered that Miller, the useless tool, had forgotten to fill the tank with diesel. We were becalmed until some friendly fish farmers brought us some jerry cans and some 'liberated' 100% proof rough mash Talisker whisky. I blame the latter for my out of body experience in the Lochmaddy Hotel.

The Jocks invented the adhesive stamp, the Australian National Anthem, the Encyclopaedia, hypnosis, the United States Navy, insulin, the hypodermic syringe, Bovril, and the Bank of England. Brilliant, but not much consolation when you find yourself back on terra firma swaying on a bar stool with 'The Black Velvet Band' firmly embedded in your frontal lobe.

Heaven or Hell? You decide:

8 comments:

Jimmy Bastard said...

Check out the Cawdor Tavern while you're there. ...but leave your Rangers shirt in the car.

I'm sure they'll be only to glad to show you a few dark, deep, and possibly smelly pits.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

You forgot telly - we invented that too! Quite possibly the ruin of the world.

crazyrivergirl said...

Well at least it wasnae Andy Stewart singing 'Donald where's yer troosers'. Imagine what your head would be like then!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

At least you saved a fortune on drugs...

And got to have a Robbie Burns-ish experience. In an accidentally adventurous kind of way, thanks to your mate.

MJ said...

They can't lay claim to poutine.

What's that smell?

Oh hello Piggy.

KAZ said...

Commiserations on your situation Garfer and I hope you enjoyed the ham sandwich.
But could you please explain how one 'invents' the United States Navy.

garfer said...

Jimmy

I probably already have, not that I can remember.

Piggy and Tazzy

Logie Baird is the proximate cause of Big Brother.

crazyrivergirl

Indeed. That would have been man overboard material.

The Poet Laura-eate

More Wee Jimmy Krankie than Rabbie Burns.

MJ

Nor would they wish to.

Kaz

The Scots invented everything (just ask them).

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