Saturday, February 18, 2006

Dirty Bastards

I rent out holiday homes, and am constantly amazed how some people can turn a spotlessly clean house into a filthy midden in the space of seven days. It appears that some people have a vacuam cleaner phobia, and are quite content to use a grill pan containing an inch of congealed fat.

I’m no cleanliness fetishist personally, but I do adhere to some basic standards. It is a fact of nature that entropy is the inevitable outcome of a lack of human action. A failure to do a little housework on a daily basis results in an accumulation of tat and general filth.

I’ve noticed that the filthiest people tend to be from middle class backgrounds. Doctors, barristers, and architects tend to be the main offenders. I suppose this is because they are used to paying people to clean up after them. I wouldn’t mind this so much if the stingy bastards had the common decency to leave a sizeable tip for the cleaners. They never do.

Filthiness as an outcome of national character is also readily apparent. The French, naturally, are the dirtiest mingers of all, closely followed by the Dutch and English. The paragons of cleanliness are, unsurprisingly, the Germans and Austrians. They usually leave their houses in such an immaculate condition that they barely need cleaning.

Such Teutonic efficiency is rather frightening. It’s no wonder the squareheads almost won the war.

18 comments:

Sniffy said...

You should save up the contents of the grill pan, the hair from the bath's/shower's plughole and whatever you vacuum up after them, put it all in a box and post it to them.

Dirty fuckers.

Sniffy said...

..and then...

Send somebody round to where they live to torch their fucking houses.

If you have their credit card details, you should apply an hourly rate cleaning surcharge if they haven't made reasonable effort to leave the place clean.

garfer said...

I had some room trashers last year. They'd had a food fight, followed by a punch up. There was blood, congealed egg, and wine all over the furnishings and carpets.

Fuckers left early in the morning and thought they'd got away with it. They didn't reckon on me having their car reg.

The court awarded £2,000 for repair, replacement, and inconvenience caused. YES.

Sniffy said...

ReeeeZULTamundo!

pissoff said...

The Nemisis is a dirty bugger. Not just messy but fucking dirty. When he used to go away working in the states for 4-6 months he'd sleep on the same bedding the whole time without washing it. Maggots on his back porch, mice in his trailer. DIRTY. AND, he doesn't wash his hands after he goes uses the toilet.

garfer said...

And he keeps a half defrosted pooch in the freezer compartment of his trailer.

That would be quite touching if it wasn't so whiffy and unhygenic.

It should have ben frozen in dry ice and displayed on the mantlepiece. Lovely.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

I'm always clean.

*trots out, dusting away Tina's fanny flakes as he goes*

Sniffy said...

Christ April, can't you arrange an accident for him?

garfer said...

Leave him alone. He's 'Stone Free', a bit like jimi Hendrix.

garfer said...

Soz, thought that related to Pigtaz.

Kyahgirl said...

when I was a teenager one of my first jobs was cleaning up holiday cabins at the lake. I'll never forget how filthy and disgusting people can be.

I don't know how people raise their kids but we got whacked upside the head on a regular basis if we didn't clean up after ourselves, regardless of the circumstance.

lets hear more dirty minger stories garfer!

S.I.D. said...

I hate dirty bastards.

There is no excuse for not using a bit of soap and water, and cleaning up after yourself if your staying in a guest house.

Mrs SID has taught me those things.

It was painful,but I'm a better man for it.

Betty said...

There is definitely something about being from a poor background which makes you think "someone's mum is going to have to clean this up" when you're staying in a hotel/apartment. Anyway, I've heard a few horror stories from cleaners. Blocked toilets seem to figure a lot.

Fuckkit said...

I cleaned one caravan once at a holiday park in Cornwall but the used condoms and pubic hairs made me retch and I decided I didn't need the extra money after all.

Anonymous said...

Good point.... I hear the bed spreads are the dirtiest things in hotel/motels/holiday houses etc.... everyone bonks and gets their smeg juice all over it and they're the only things that aren't cleaned daily. Is it true Garfer, is it true?

How many used condoms and smeg drops have you cleaned up?

PO

MHN for short said...

If I could only get my squarehead to pick up after himself then life would be sublime. Or even more sublime... :-)

Faltanus said...

the carpets are even worse (and apparently - strangely enough - the drapes). how often do you suppose even the highest class hotels do a real steam cleaning of the carpeting?

MHN for short said...

Almost makes you want to stay home. At least there you know what yuck you may have left behind...