Friday, February 03, 2006

The Twat in the Hat



Jay Kay

As irritating rock star twats go, the diminutive Jay Kay takes some beating. I assume that he wears large hats in order to obscure the fact that he is a shortarse. This attempt
is a miserable failure, and he just ends up appearing as a preening shortarse twat with the level of good taste only to be expected from an Essex boy pretending to be a white soul god.

How anyone can make £20 million by sounding like an ersatz Stevie Wonder is frankly beyond me. Musical originality may not be a prerequisite for success (cf Oasis), but in a just world some spark of creativity would be a requirement.

Jay is fond of hanging out with blonde bimbo models in posh West End nightclubs. His espoused hatred of the paparazzi is a bit rich given that he jumps at any opportunity for the limelight. It’s not really on to go about punching the very people that publicise your rock god aspirations. In Jay’s case it is particularly reckless given that most paparazzi are a burly 6’ 2” while he is a weedy 4’9”.

Jay owns a croft house near Mallaig in the west highlands. He spent most of his childhood holidays in the area. He spotted the croft while on holiday and approached the two old ladies who owned it with a view to purchasing it. The ladies informed him that the croft had been their ‘heilan hame’ since they were bairns, and that the property was not for sale. Jay informed them that he would have a bankers draft for £250K in their hands by the end of that evening. The ladies, as genuine canny highlanders, accepted on the spot. Not a bad decision given that the croft was only worth £60K on the open market.

He was stopped by the police on the Road to the Isles for driving his Lamborghini at 110 mph. This is proper rock star behaviour, and is one point on which I can congratulate them. According to the locals he is a personable, friendly individual, and always stands a round at the bar.

Perhaps he isn’t all bad. Escaping from the media circus can do some people the world of good.

22 comments:

Sniffy said...

I've heard that he's OK, but just hates his nights out on the town being the subject of press intrusion. I can't blame him really.

garfer said...

He's a big mate of Jamie Oliver.

I'd love to have a go at Oliver, but unfortunately he's off limits for doing good works.

Annoying that.

Sniffy said...

Well, surely his oversized tongue and stupid voice aren't?

garfer said...

And his flappy liver lips.

And the annoying Jules.

And boasting about how he's never read a book and doesn't have any GCSE's.

Pukka.

Sniffy said...

Yeah, he's a big enough twat to "do" here. Go for it.

Wyndham said...

Jay Kay has been knocking out the same old shite for a decade now. Incredible.

Piggy and Tazzy said...

Jamie Oliver does good works? Eh? Like what?

All I know him for is slapping together some nosh on the telly, sounding like a complete wanker and slitting lambs throats.

As for 'twat in hat' - he almost ran me over once just outside Harrods, while driving one of his ridiculous cars and rabbiting away on his mobile, the cunt.

All that money and he doesn't have hands-free?

Spinsterella said...

And he's made a career out masquerading as some sort of eco-warrier, whilst maintaining a fleet of ridiculous motors.

Emergency on Planet Earth? Well we know whose fault that is.

Twat.

The Lady Muck said...

Yeah man, Jamie Oliver is a thick-tongued mockney twat. Joining him is Chris 'the c*nt' Martin who raves on about organic food and drives giant petrol guzzlers, like Jay Kaye...

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