Thursday, February 09, 2006

Of Asses and Arses.

Proper English (i.e. UK English) is full of daft spellings that make no sense phonetically. There are words that sound the same but are spelt differently and have completely different meanings. The language must be an absolute nightmare to learn.

This is a good thing, keeping UK language schools packed to the rafters with overseas students trying to master words like ‘picturesque’ and ‘disestablishmentarianism’. This is a welcome source of foreign currency, and presents teachers sick of Comprehensives with an alternative source of employment.

I am constantly annoyed that the interweb seems only to recognise US English. This is most inconsiderate as it was after all a Brit, Tim Berners Lee, who invented the damn thing. Then there are the drop down nation lists. The USA naturally comes top, while we have to scroll down the list alphabetically to just above Uzbekistan. Fucking annoying that.

What annoys me most of all is the North American use of ‘ass’ instead of ‘arse’. Everyone knows that asses are donkeys. Cleopatra was happy to bathe in asses’ milk, so I don’t see why the word should have its meaning debased to describe the human backside. ‘Arse’ is a much more satisfactory word. Arsehole is a much more satisfying term of insult than asshole; the r adding an emphasis that conveys the right note of disgusted contempt.

We invented proper swearing, and it irritates me to hear other people balls up the finer nuances of our profanities. We are the originators of such words of genius as ‘fucktard’, and ‘gobshite’. I think it’s about time these foreigners showed us a bit more respect, the arsing arsehole arses

28 comments:

S.I.D. said...

Yes its the gutteral "r" that does it.I particularly enjoy the "ker" in wan kerrrr!

Fuc"k"ing good post "Gar" fe "r"

garfer said...

Swear words must be enunciated properly.

I trust that you slap the earthangels when they swear in a lackadaisical fashion.

Wyndham said...

To really swear satisfactorily at someone you have to enunciate the word very slowly indeed with a big smile on your face. There's nothing better.

garfer said...

Gobshite is my fave. The imagery it conveys is poetic.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Fucktard - I'd forgotten about that one. Could've used it just now, actually...

Thanks!

Kyahgirl said...

You're right of course, 'you people' are the masters of all things profane. I stand in great awe of the UKers' swearing abilities.

Another really annoying thing about the prevalence of US english is you're always being told you're spelling things 'wrong' (by spellcheckers) when you put 'u's in their proper places (like colour, or flavour).

Another pet peeve is when people send out the conference phone numbers for a call and there are numbers for USA and International. The first time I saw this I dialed the international number because, any fucktard knows that Canada is not in the USA. This didn't work of course and the operator told me that I had to dial the USA number, because, well, they are the same aren't they?

Fucktards, seriously.
Apparently you've hit a nerve with this post.

Sniffy said...

British English really is wonderfully daft. One of my main achievements of 2005 was deleted American English from all my MS Office applications.

Yessssssssssssss.

suburban wonder said...

Gobshite is brilliant. But my favorite UK English phrase is "can't be arsed." Fabulous.

pissoff said...

Cunts.

Convict said...

I'm sure piggy and tazzy wouldn't mind bathing in the amur'can use of ass milk ... nasty image.

Our daughter cracked us up last night by calling her brother a bell end. It's nice to see the traditional name calling I used as a kid being kept alive by the current generation.

Being located close to the Big Yin's birthplace, do you use gettifu ya bassa?

garfer said...

Ah...bell end...such memories.

Sniffy said...

Yes, "can't be assed", just seems fucking stupid. Then again, I think the use of "ass" and the way it's creeping into common use in the UK is rather disturbing.

Arse off!

Anonymous said...

You wanna know why??? Well do you punk!!?? It sounds stupid when I say arse. i can type it and mean it..but when i say it..it sounds stupid. There is no way to win. I'm not going to say 'tomahto' either. There are few precious things i don't get every flavour of shite for on a daily fucking basis with my southern patter. Tell you what..I'm going to throw myself into the Clyde and better the population in both countries. The polite thing to do is take the when in rome approach and speak like the folks do where you reside. Oh yeah..just fuck your own personal identity..who needs it?
I change my settings to UK settings while I am here and do my best to type with appropriate spelling at work. But listen here..I'm going to pronounce things the way I feel most comfortable. to hell with the ass kiss my ring. bastards..

garfer said...

I think I'll demure on the 'kiss my ring' offer anon.

This was a wind up post that appears to have wound up one person at least.

Result.

Sniffy said...

Oh well, they just appear to be a bit insecure with themselves.

Lots of people go on the attack when they're insecure about fundamental parts of their psyche. There are lots of examples of this - one being demonstrated in London this very afternoon!

Sniffy said...

ooooh, saucer of milk!

funny thing said...

I'll try and remember to speak like a total twat next time I'm in America.
Thanks for that tip, anon.

MHN for short said...

Obviously, mr or miss Anon has issues other than Ass/Arse. To each his own... Ya big dumb arse!

Sniffy said...

Or as we prefer: you stupid twat!

garfer said...

Yeah, fucktard.

I'm feeling all brave now.

Inexplicable DeVice said...

Mr/Ms Anon is certainly a lesson to us all. Fancy using such horrendous punctuation.

Wanker.

Arabella said...

Swearing helps when I feel homesick. I particularly favour arse, of course, but git is good too, and silly cow, and pillock. Would you be surprised to learn that no-one in California uses mong?

garfer said...

You can't expect a perma-tanned spaz to use a word like mong.

Arabella said...

How true.

Kyahgirl said...

anon called you a punk? That's kind of funny. I think of you more as a sweet biscuit. :-)Interesting.
carry on garfer. Its always exciting to get some controversy on the blog.

pissoff said...

Of course that means when you're in Canada Sniff you're going to have to say "Twot."

Sniffy said...

There's no way on earth I could bring myself to say "twot". You'll just have to respect our cultural diversity on that one.

Kyahgirl said...

ok so I'll have to ask...how does a Brit pronounce twat?

I've only ever heard 'twot' but apparently that's a shocking mispronunciation.