Saturday, March 11, 2006

Ach well


The ban on smoking in public places in Scotland begins in seventeen days time. Rough boozers across the nation are preparing to auction their heavy glass ashtrays for use by Glasgow gangs in territorial disputes. The sign makers are writhing in orgasmic frenzy at the prospect of the demand for NO SMOKING signs increasing tenfold.

For some bizarre reason, the ban extends to hotel rooms. Presumably this is to prevent forty a day cleaners instantly contracting lung cancer as a consequence of passive smoking in well ventilated, air conditioned, rooms. I wonder if hotels will have to install in room closed circuit TV to ensure that the appropriate authorities can be summoned if anyone attempts to light up a Rothmans and flick the ash in a tooth mug.

With signs of rising unemployment, I am reassured that local Councils will be able to employ a few extra million minions in ensuring that individuals partaking in a hitherto legal activity are handed out a severe bollocking, and a £1000 fine. They will, no doubt, like Edinburgh traffic wardens, be issued with performance targets to ensure that they are suitably assiduous.

Thankfully, the ban does not extend to holiday cottages. These are classed as an extension of the individual’s home, and they are allowed to puff away to their hearts content.

I’m rather pleased about this. I don’t ban anyone from staying in one of my cottages. To my mind that would be commercial stupidity. If 30% of the population smoke and are prevented from doing so in hotels they will look for alternatives: i.e. me. I also allow dogs, although I do draw a line where Doberman Pinchers with a crack habit are involved.

I’m off to eat my five fruit and veg a day, and check that the tread on my car tyres is an acceptable depth. I wouldn’t want to endanger my health, or that of innocent pedestrians. I’m just glad that politicians are around to keep me on the straight and narrow. If it wasn’t for them I would be a right cynical bastard.


Sniffy said...

Bah! To smoking bans. Fair enough in appropriate places, but I think the decisions should be with the individual landlords, hoteliers, restaurant owners. Banning things is so draconian and it leaves no room for innovation or responsibility on the part of individuals.

I believe the smoking ban will result in sterile pubs with sterile atmospheres and the culture of our country will be eroded. In their place, we'll have "family pubs" where children run riot and the only atmosphere is generated by the noise associated with unruly brats.

But good luck to you and well done for remaining that little sanctuary of sanity and reason.

Or perhaps, apart from visits to my local hospital, I'll soon have nowhere to go if I feel the need to get my nicotine levels up. I love passive smoking and the smell on my clothes and in my hair makes me feel that I've been for a proper night out.

Wyndham said...

Is that one of your cottages, Garfer?

Sniffy said...

I'm going to book a week in one of Garfy's cottages. Imagine his surpise when he realises it's me who's staying there.

pissoff said...

Yay... ban the smokers. I don't stay in rooms where people smoke. I don't care if you have some "smoking" rooms as long as you don't allow smoking in every room. I'd have to boycott you if you did.

I never go to pubs so I don't really care whether they ban it there or not. I think many of the pubs may make you smoke out on their patio or actually have a section that is cut off from the rest of the pub.

Fuckkit said...

And I hope you checked the salt content on that ready meal you're about to eat.

kyahgirl said...

They've slowly been banning smoking in more and more places here. I think they just did bars quite recently. Surprisingly, people are still going out to the bars.

If that is the view from one of your holiday cottages Garfer I think I'll have to drag my family to Scotland for a holiday. Its beautiful!

S.I.D. said...

Yes to smoking bans.

I was in the pub last night and people were smoking everywhere.

Not once did they stop to say well done SID on giving up.

Make em suffer.

The bastards.

S.I.D. said...

Do you have a brochure for your non smoking cottages?

funny thing said...

Make the bastards suffer.
Now I've given up I don't give a toss if they all have to freeze their nuts off standing outside while I lean back in a smoke-free pub not getting cancer.

I'm GLAD it's getting banned, I like to see people being miserable.

Sniffy said...

There's nothing worse than an ex-smoker. But what about an ex-smoker who's also a reformed alcoholic? What a fucking nightmare!

garfer said...

I think you need to get out more April. Sniffy could take you on a pub crawl, but unfortunately she's tt.

I Have a website Sid. You can view it at

garfer said...


kyahgirl said...

I just checked out your website. Wow!
What an incredible location. You are so lucky to live there.

How long a drive is it from Edinburgh?

kyahgirl said...

Oh, and very nice website by the way. tasteful and classy. :)

garfer said...

Three hours from Edinburgh, two from Glasgow.

kyahgirl said...

*tucks that tidbit away in the travel file*

I have a girlfriend who is moving to Edinburgh and I've promised to come and visit her someday. It would be a shame to go all that way and not visit the west Highlands too :-)

First Nations said...

just visited your lovely site. very nice indeed! I used to be the concierge (french word meaning 'everyones mommy 24-7') in a very similar setting in the u.s. and I must say yours is so much nicer for being on a hillside-ours was in a river valley...nice in its way, but DAMP. yay for allowing pets!!
do we get special blog-buddy rates? I think we should.

suburban wonder said...

Yay to smoking bans. In Delaware, we have them anywhere that serves food, as well as anywhere else that feels like it.

I get sick from cigarette smoke, so I love the smoking ban. Whenever we dine out of state, in Pennsylvania or Maryland, we forget about the smoking/non-smoking thing in restaurants and are reminded how good we have it at home.