Saturday, March 04, 2006

Would you like a sweetie little boy?

Unlike most celeb food writers, poor old Nigel Slater has only been allowed to present one TV series. Unlike the lavishly breasted and bethighed Nigella Lawson, he lacks the physical attributes that lend themselves so readily to the small screen. Personally, I think Queen Nigella is vastly overrated. Top posh totty she may be, but most of the recipes she comes up with leave me cold. Ham baked in Coca Cola? No fucking ta.

One TV critic claimed that Nigel resembled a child molester. Now I don’t know exactly what a child molester is supposed to look like, but I do think that he may have had a point. There is something slightly odd about an individual who lives alone in a five bedroom house, but likes to invite waifs and strays to stay the night. Perhaps he just wants some company. I certainly hope that there are no undertones of Dennis Nilsen.

Strange as he may be, Nigel is one of our best cookery writers. He loves simple food, and is refreshingly unimpressed by the sort of chefy bollocks cluttering up our TV screens. Anyone who can sing a paean of praise to a humble bowl of mashed potato has to have their heart in the right place. He also has no truck with the low fat fanatics, and loves to drench everything in butter and cream.

Rock on Nigel I say, you may resemble a kiddie fiddler but your nosh is top notch.

N.B Apologies for the lack of posts recently. I have been suffering from bloggers block and the after effects of a three day bender.


Wyndham said...

Very weird man, seems to come across as a bit of a freak in interviews - but his 30 Minute Cookbook is very useful indeed

kyahgirl said...

Glad you've survived the bender G, how's your head?

I don't like the look of this man either (inviting waifs to stay-shades of Michael Jackson?)
but simple, edible recipes are always a delight.

Since I'm the least talented person in the kitchen and always cook out of a cookbook, I know the value of simple and good! :-)

Sniffy said...

He doesn't look as much like a child molester as Hugh Fernley Witless. I was watching an F Word rerun last night where he was the guest, he confessed to only washing his hair once a month.

Dirty fucking bastard.

As for recovering from a 3 day bender? Good on you.

I liked Nigel Slater's "Toast". I thought it was honest and witty and it provided a rare opportunity to find out the early motivations of these people.

Nigella is gorgeous beyond belief though and I do love her with all my heart.

garfer said...

Hugh may hang out with Dorset sheep shaggers and portray himself as a back to the earth type, but he is ultimately as Eton and Oxbridge as they come.

Don't trust him an inch.

Sniffy said...

He's a right stuck up spastic. I don't know many people who could afford to risk a job in the River Caffe by being slack, but he did. Must've had money to fall back on.


S.I.D. said...

I did live by a river, and was poor,and we enjoyed the culinary delights that floated by,dead sheep,cow,pig,pregnant dog, that sort of thing.

The farmers up stream were very thoughtful.

garfer said...

So this is where your river dredging tendencies originated.

I suppose a mystic sword beats bloated decomposing pigs anyday.

Have you tried roadkill?

Have you considered seeing a psychiatrist?

Sniffy said...

Somebody was telling me about a bloke somewhere in England who collects roadkill and eats it. Stores it in his freezer. He leaves cats and dogs on the road for a few days in case their owners come to look for their bodies.

Sniffy said...

He might well have been referring to Hugh Fernley Wittingham, the filthy fucker.

garfer said...

Waste not want not.

What do you think they put in doner kebabs anyroad up?

Sniffy said...

Well yeah. Depending on the state of the sheep's carcass, all they have to do is add a bit of garlic and spice and stick it on one of those spit roast things.

caroline said...

Ohh, love our Nige, remember his columns in The Observer, and have one of his books but I have to put in a plea for Nigella..(mainly because I was once mistaken for her at Heathrow) her recipes really work AND they are written for greedy people, like moi.
That ham in coca cola was truely DISGUSTING though. I actually made it.

Sniffy said...

God somebody actually made that thing? Hrrm I reckon you have to be quite well off to be able to gamble on that sort of thing. It's not for normal people to try out using Roller Cola.

S.I.D. said...

Twas me Tina, and the man was a taxidermist.

From Birmingham no less and a bus driver.

His fare paying customers loved his little roadside stops

Arabella said...

I continue trying to introduce American customers to Nigel's food memoir 'Toast' - agree with Tina, it is brilliant - but inevitably they're scared off by his photograph on the cover. And he was all of eleven, I believe.
Nigella does have marvelous breasts and her cake recipes work, mostly, but her smug expressions/
comments make we want to slap her after too long.

suburban wonder said...

Nigella is second after Angelina Jolie on the Women I'd Turn Queer For list. All they'd have to do is ask. I have her "How to Eat" cookbook - I like it. It reads well and has decent recipes.

Nigel looks, um, odd. But as long as his recipes worked, I wouldn't care.

Arabella said...

Bronwen - Nigel's Real Fast Food is great.

caroline said... don't look THAT much like her.....

garfer said...

Bronwen in a threesome with Nigella and Nigel? The mind boggles.

Add Caroline and the video would make bilions.

suburban wonder said...

OOooh, only in the chubby-chaser market, I assure you.

GreatSheElephant said...

shades of Dennis Nilsen? Well, you know where the leftovers will end up, don't you? That's right - photographed in the Observer Food Monthly.