Saturday, March 18, 2006

Pukka mate

The liver lipped, big tongued tosser, Jamie Oliver has avoided ridicule recently due to his advocacy of decent, nutritious school dinners. He deserves some credit for this: feeding fat drenched chicken nuggets to twelve year olds on grounds of economy is obviously not conducive to reducing obesity.

Unfortunately for Jamie, it turns out that children are rejecting his tasty recipes and going down the chippy instead. They know what they like, and are prepared to pay for it.

Some people are just inherently irritating. Jamie seems a decent enough chap, it’s just that everything about his cheeky chappy, mockney persona gets right on my tits. Awight, pukka mate, dahn the Old Kent Road? Fuck off and speak properly you irritating little mong. It’s not as though he’s the son of an east end barrow boy, he’s the son of an Essex publican. Oliver passing himself off as cockney is like me claiming to hail from the Bronx.

Even his wife, Jules, is annoying. She’s like a little doll with the over rouged cheekbones of a whore.

Oliver claims never to have read a book in his life, which is tantamount to boasting about being a moron.

I don’t see why inverted snobs should be allowed to amass £7 million fortunes. There should be a law forcing all sub literate cretins to donate their wealth to deserving cases like me. I can whip up a soufflĂ© as well as the next man; it’s about time I was released from the hell that is work.

8 comments:

MHN for short said...

Here, here, mate! Send some of that dough over here. We'll make something good out of it!

Then we'll go off to the Mucky Duck for a drink!

suburban wonder said...

I don't mind Jamie. I mean, he's no Nigella, but he does come up with a decent recipe every now and then. Plus there was that whole Jamie's Kitchen thing that was entertaining.

What's an Essex accent supposed to sound like? Who else is from there (that the anglophile American would know)?

garfer said...

David Essex is from Essex, I think.

Loose women in white stillettos also come from Essex.

Hope that clears things up a bit.

MHN for short said...

Loose women in white stillettos

That's funny. hehehehe. :-)

Tantamount to trailer trash?

Sniffy said...

A whole county of trailer trash, that's right!

Jamie's OK - his recipes are OK, but I can't stand watching him. It's like Remploy gone mad.

Nigella is a goddess. She doesn't really pretend to be a chef or a great cook, she just tells people about food that she likes and how it's prepared. Nowt wrong with that (except the ham in coke thing, filthy bitch).

surly girl said...

oh, what was i going to say?? oh yeah - fuck you! essex is great*.

as for oliver - don't even get me started. he is indeed the son of a publican - a rich one who sent him to private school, so i'm not sure at what point the dick van dyke chim-chim-cheree kicked in. twat.

* this is not true. i went back to essex the other week (only for ikea) and i couldn't wait to leave. did everyone screech like that when i used to live there?

S.I.D. said...

Did you see prat Jules has written a book.

About having a baby, shock, horror

Women having babies indeed.

Disgusting.

MHN for short said...

Yep, the process by which we have babies is digusting, indeed. Not so bad to look at once they've had their first bath though. ;-)