Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Why I never made it as a Goth.


I think all today’s newspapers carried the story about the post grad student at Sussex University who has been awarded a PhD for a thesis on the Goth sub-culture. It really is remarkable what constitutes an appropriate subject area for a PhD these days, but I won’t go into that as it is a suitable subject for a lengthy rant at some later date.

I would never have cut is a Goth as I have blonde hair and invisible eyebrows. I would have looked a right twat with black eyeliner and lipstick. It would have been a different matter if I was a proper albino with pink eyes: then I would have taken considerable pleasure in scaring the hell out of infants.

The student reached the unremarkable conclusion that Goths tend to be arty middle class types who don’t do drugs and aren’t keen to get into fights. Talk about stating the bleedin’ obvious. There was a Goth girl in my year at University who was more likely to be found at Glastonbury of a weekend hunting for ley lines than knocking back snakebites in the Students Union. She draped the ceiling of her bedroom with black bin liners, and had a penchant for crushed velvet, but apart from that she was as boringly normal as they come.

It’s the aging Goths that frighten me. Anyone who has witnessed the Cures Robert Smith’s physical deterioration of late will take a dim view of anyone wearing the Goth uniform in later life. He resembles a fat Elvis in a fright wig with pancake make up and drooping jowls.

In truth, I never wanted to be a Goth. I hated Bauhaus, and the Sisters of Mercy were purveyors of melodramatic bollocks. They exist in their own little cul de sac, and are welcome to it.

I’m off to listen to ‘Bela Lugosi’s Dead'.

41 comments:

Convict said...

Yay first.

I would never have cut is a Goth as I have blonde hair and eyebrows.

Do Goths not have eyebrows then?

S.I.D. said...

A life guard at our local swimming pool is a goth.

His make up is fucked if he has to rescue anyone.

Depressing tossers

garfer said...

Blonde hair AND blonde eyebrows. Fuckin' pedant.

Not depressing Sid, sensitive. Well, ok then, miserable tossers.

Sniffy said...

I went through a "black" phase when I was a sixth former, but I never did gothic. I preferred listening to nice music and I've never been one for bothering with makeup.

Life is depressing enough as it is without deliberately making yourself look like that.

Sooooo tiresome.

garfer said...

Yeah, I Know, chuck on any old thing and speed off to Tescos.

I would, but it's 100 miles away. I have a Costcutter though.

korova said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
First Nations said...

back when goth was punk, i was a gothy punk. sadly, i 1. hated the people 2.hated the music. LOVED the clothes, though. flock of seagulls hair, a long black coat and small round blue glasses-used to stalk around looking like neo (if neo'd had tits and a kid in a stroller)

garfer said...

I liked the Smiths.

and the stone roses.

and P J

Now, fuck off.

suburban wonder said...

I could've done Goth, since I have dark hair and a naturally pale complexion. Maybe I'll do that for Halloween next year.

I'll admit, I listened to the Cure and the Smiths, melancholy weak sisters both. I was eclectic in my musical tastes ('cause I was a headbanger, too). I was also too preppy to wear the gear required to be a Goth.

caroline said...

So...you know what the ceiling of her bedroom looked like?

Betty said...

I've liked a lot of gloomy doomy music over the years. Unfortunately I like disco and house music even more, which lets the side down a bit. Oh, anyone who dyes their hair black after about the age of 35 just looks CREEPY.

Spinsterella said...

A goth lifeguard?????

Teen goths these days are a bit mixed-up - they have all the dyed hair and black clothes and eye-liner, but also a fondness for Nirvana t-shirts.

Which just isn't quite right..

Billy said...

I went to Redhill once, and within 5 minutes of getting off the train I'd seen 3 goths. I saw several more during my day there, including one about 40 working in a shop.

What is it about the commuter belt that encourages such gothic types?

pissoff said...

I did big hair in the 80s and I still can't read your fucking blog. I now have to go... I've just had my morning coffee.

korova said...

hey, i always hated goths...i mean they wanna be different and then dress the same! Why don'tthey get dressed up as a 19th Century Romantic poet....that would certainly differentiate themselves from everyone else!

maybe i just don't get it, who knows???

MHN for short said...

I'm a closet Goth, but then you knew that already by my choice of lit and past times.

kyahgirl said...

I've taken a moment from busy, every so classy, world travel, to come to leave you a comment because you seem to be having some kind of blog/comment crisis like the rest of the bloggers in the UK. :-) Don't you feel better?


I am not a fuckin' skiver and if you call me that again I shall come over there and hurt you.

with your chainsaw.

kyahgirl said...

you see, and I still can't type worth shite!

ignore me.

funny thing said...

I was walking behind a goth the other day.
Dunno what it is about kids these days but they don't get clothes to fit. This guy had his trousers with the waistband just above his knees so he had to stand on tip-toe and kind of prance.
And he thought he looked cool?
Imp and I were pissing ourselves.
Tosser.

Sniffy said...

Are you on your jollies or something? Where the fuck are you man?

MHN for short said...

come on Garfer, stop shoveling the snow and get back to bloggin'. Skiving blogging to do home up-keep...the nerve...

Kyahgirl said...

Are you alright G?

MHN for short said...

Garfer~
How's your kitty?

suburban wonder said...

Pull your head out of the bottle and get writing. I've tagged YOU to continue Herge's blog movie project, since I'm usually way impressed by your prose. You can read the latest installment at my place.

S.I.D. said...

Slacker!

Wyndham said...

Don't you think it's about time you got yourself a new computer, Garf?

UnderCrackers said...

As a teenager I liked nothing more than dressing up as a Victorian street pixie.....me brother used to cross the road when he saw me coming though.

S.I.D. said...

Is Garfer typing in dial up now too?

Kyahgirl said...

ok garfer, I am officially beginning to worry about you! You haven't retreated to some writer's garrett to finish that story have you? Give us a sign of life dear man!!!

S.I.D. said...

yo man

Anonymous said...

Where did you end up this time? Come out, come out wherever you are.

PO

Anonymous said...

Where did you end up this time? Come out, come out wherever you are.

PO

Piggy and Tazzy said...

*reads this post for the 364,578,687th time*

Wyndham said...

So, Garfer, explain yourself - you're comenting elsewhere but not posting. What gives?

S.I.D. said...

Writing about Goths depressed him.

surly girl said...

another crisis in blogland? must be my turn again soon.

gaaaaarfer.....?

MHN for short said...

Hey Man, are you going to continue the story that Herge started or what?

Rowan said...

hehe.
I'ma show this post to my husband...will have to post before pictures of him, maybe now he won't miss his long locks and minimalistic coloured clothes (last night he was pining for them again).

Steve said...

Yeah, I would never have made it as a goth either . . . eventhough I have the dark (ish) hair and "sun? What the hell is that?" skin!

Seriously though, what's happened to you Garfer?

Kyahgirl said...

are you waiting to get to 40 comments before you post again? you're there now!

phlegmfatale said...

you touched on it in this post, but I've always said I wasn't a goth because I hate uniforms.