Saturday, June 03, 2006

Salad Sarnies

I take little delight in the culinary abominations afforded by the vile coterie of perverse vegetablists and lentil torturers, but I am prepared to make an exception for the proper belt and braces British salad sandwich.

The ingredients for the salad sandwich are simple; it is the method (nay, the skill) of assembly that makes the difference between a pale facsimile and the genuine caboodle.

The essential ingredients are: white processed sliced loaf bread, butter, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, and Heinz Salad Cream. Sounds simple enough, and indeed it is, as long as the sandwich is assembled in strict accordance with the method that I describe below:

Each slice of bread, all traces of crust removed, must be copiously spread with butter (margarine or other low fat substitutes are not acceptable).

The lettuce must be English or iceberg (foul tasting leaves like rocket, radicchio, or the truly disgusting lollo rosso, are a strict no no).

The salad mixture must be anointed with a thick smear of Heinz salad cream (use of mayonnaise will result in a swift kick in the balls).

Once assembled, the sandwich must be squashed flat, wrapped tightly in cling film or foil, and stored in the fridge for at least 30 minutes.

The resultant sandwich is a masterpiece. The combination of slightly soggy bread with the crisp tangy crunch of lettuce and Heinz Salad Cream is not to be sniffed at.

If trapped in a hippy commune I could happily subsist on salad sandwiches for a couple of days. Only then would my desire for meat force me to disembowel a crusty long hair or three.


S.I.D. said...

Sand? You forgot the sand?

My mother always told me that sand was a vital* ingredient of salad sandwiches.

*This was usually stated after she dropped my sarnie on the beach at picnics and tried to clean it before passing to me.

Ah the memories!

garfer said...

Sand is a non essential ingredient, but as a garnish takes some beating (particularly when you're sat behind a windbreak wondering wtf you're doing their and cursing the sandwich maker).

J.a.G. said...

I'd pull out the lettuce and tomato and not eat the rest. That salad cream stuff makes me gag some.

I do like the bread and butter just not in that sandwich combo- brrr!

Wyndham said...

Food is very important to you, isn't Garfer?

garfer said...

Food and Gore Vidal Wyndham. These are my principal joys in life.

I still fancy getting squished out of my face in 'the Midnight Bell' though, as long as they served a decent pickled egg.

Wyndham said...

Amen to that, brother.

Anonymous said...

Sounds fair Garfer. However, soggy bread is a no no and I would have to insist the Sarnie be eaten immediately to avoid any trace of sog. Yuk - sounds like a fucking dumpling - soggy bread.


Kyahgirl said...

you really have a kind of a food thing going on here garfer. what's up?

Steve said...

mmm . . . crusty long hairs . . .

Seriously. I would only eat a long hair if their was mayonnaise on offer as pudding.

funny thing said...

I agree with you garfer, as long as I can keep the crusts, add some cheese and eat it straight away.

If I'm not expecting company in the near er.. few weeks, I would throw in some onion. Mmmm.

Oh, and a plate of chips 'n' curry sauce.

And a beer.

suburban wonder said...

Sounds pretty good, but I agree with April - no sog. I like my sandwiches sog-free.

I like the food commentary. Perhaps I'll do that after my blog vacation.

Arabella said...

Two slices of pale rye bread ( cut from a fresh loaf - not that brick-like, black, German stuff)
A thick spread of mayonaisse
Slabs of double gloucester cheese
Slices of pickled beetroot
Squeeze gently

It doesn't work without the beetroot.

First Nations said...

needs shrimp, avacado and crushed up potato chips for that all important crunchiness factor.
now i'm hungry.
yeah, whats the story behind all the pro-meat posts? someone pressuring you to eschew moo?

(god, i am SO sorry.)