Friday, June 22, 2007

Must have GSOH


It is an undeniable fact that I am, sadly, less of a hit with the lovely laydeez than I used to be. This is a most unfortunate state of affairs. I don't understand it really: I dont have a beer gut, halitosis, a hare lip, or an embarassing bowel complaint. I actually look reasonably presentable; at a distance, in dim light.

Perhaps living in the boondocks means that I have just run through the available totty, or perhaps the available totty is just through with me. I wouldn't blame them.

I've been perusing the personal columns recently. The problem with these is that you have to work out the coded meanings. A mature bubbly brunette who likes long walks in the countryside translates as an elderly bloater who dresses in dungarees and wellingtons, and laughs at her own jokes. The male entries are easier to translate. A fifty something, solvent, businessman seeking uncomplicated fun with a potential soulmate is actually a married bloke looking for afternoon shags with no strings attached.

Then there are the acronyms: WLTM, GSOH, NS. In my case the definition of 'good' sense of humour would have to include the words warped and perverse. As for the no smoking, I am a committed roll up artiste and have no intention of changing my ways to satisfy the whim of a mere girly.

I think my only hope may lie in producing a pithy, to the point entry that the goddess of my dreams will find utterly irresistable.

I've decided to use the late great Jeffrey Bernard's 'blind, alcoholic amputee seeks sympathy fuck'.

Apparently it never fails.

13 comments:

jungle jane said...

Perhaps it would help if I wrote your advert for you? How about:

Dude wants chick for sex, dinners and clean clothes. Only lay-dees with hot sisters need apply.

garfer said...

That's perfect.

You really should charge for such sage advice. By hot sisters I assume that you mean triplets. Nothing beats a fivesome.

jungle jane said...

No, i use my gift to help others. Accepting money would be cheapening spirituality.

You shouldn't put a number on it - if you go about yapping on about fivesomes and she has a hot mother too then you could be limiting yourself. When you meet the hot mum just pretend you think she's a sister. Happy days.

Sniffy said...

What you need to do is find somebody you fancy who has a blog or similar online thingumy and then pretend that you're putting a profile together for match.com. Get them to review it and ask for her opinion on how to improve it. Ask her what sort of thing she'd be looking for and what she'd find attractive. Etc, etc.

Worked for me.

S.I.D. said...

Yes Garfy,its called negative advertising,which apparently has the opposite effect.

Try "Fat Ugly Bastard seeks similar"

You just never know.

Kyahgirl said...

one of my friends went the the personal ad route. She found a nice man who liked to come over, shovel the snow from her driveway, have wild sex, and leave. she thought that was about the most perfect relationship imaginable....then he found a lady who liked to do all that plus she could cook. damn.

sniffy's advice is good. is there anyone else blogging within 200 miles of your wilderness location?

Arabella said...

Isn't there a published collection of the 'best' of the personal ads from The London Review of Books?
There ought to be an Auden quoter with legs up to her neck, who knows her malt, out there. Good hunting.

suburban wonder said...

The word "totty" always makes me giggle. I guess living in the middle of West Bumblefuck, Scotland, will result in a sad paucity of totty.

I like the reverse psychology strategy you've got going on. Keep their expectations low, that's what I say.

Canute said...

I once informed a young lady who was reading the personal ads that GSOH meant Genitals the Size Of a Horse.
How her little face lit up....

garfer said...

Thank you all for your useful advice.

Perhaps I'll try Thai Brides. Nothing beats acquiring an extended family of 30 who want your money

jungle jane said...

You are welcome to use any of my helpful ads on my blog if your knob wants to try breaking away and advertising on its own??

Gledwood said...

It's 30 years till my pension day and already I feel the decline setting in ... ho-hum enough about that ...
I used to key in the personal ads at my old local paper. It was an hilarious job. This was about 15 years ago when the ads were printed but members of the public couldn't access the tapes to hear the voice. Man! The difference between how the wording appeared in print and how it sounded read out could be frightening, that's all I'll say about that one ... also there was this old v respectible pensioner lady who used to advertise every single week for a man, not knowing 2 people in the office actually knew her and knew what she was doing ... how embarrassing ... anyway ... I'm here pretty randomly via friends of friends blogs ... I'm at gledwood2.blogspot if you want to drop by you're most welcome. See you later hopefully ... all the best to you ...
from
~gledwood ~~ "vol 2" ...

belle said...

so what happened?
I did all that stuff about 15 or so years ago ... what hysterical experiences I had ... still dining out on them!
eventually met LOML on a blind date!!