Sunday, December 14, 2008

A Guardian reader does some Christmas shopping

I loathe spending money on other people, preferring (quite sensibly) to fortify my self worth with utilitarian purchases of a wholly justifiable nature that benefit me. I scoff at the crass materialism and wasteful consumerism that has so benighted our shallow and valueless Western cultures.

I laugh at the pallor and anxiety of recession etched faces as they stare at the 50 inch plasma TV's that should rightfully be theirs but have been capriciously snatched from them by the harsh Gods of plastic. I sneer at the wee wifeys loading up on economy concentration camp turkeys at Asda.

If only more people had been sensible about spending money they didn't have this country wouldn't be evaporating like the bubbles in my jacuzzi.

Actually, speaking of jacuzzis, I've decided to launch a special Christmas appeal in aid of myself. I want the new model with complimentary Thai bathing belles and streaming cocktails. It's not too much to ask, and I expect everybody to contribute generously.


MJ said...

So you want a jacuzzi?

*farts in Garfer's bathtub*

FirstNations said...

i've noticed a distinct lean towards the east lately in your posts. would the jacuzzi bath be less effective somehow without thai ladies sloshing around in it?

KAZ said...

(Makes note never to drink sparkling wine at mj's place.)
I'd gladly contribute to your worthy cause Garfer - but I'm donating my Christmas budget to the 'Save the Turkey' appeal.

EmmaK said...

All right mate, I'll get you one Thai bathing belle for your jacuzzi if you get me one well hung brainless himbo (ethnicity unimportant) for my jacuzzi. Merry chrimbo

garfer said...


I am, as always, touched by your generosity of spirit.


No less effective, but definitely more alluring.


Money well spent in a pointless and wasteful fashion


I'm clean out of well hung brainless himbos but I can ask my cousin Nigel who works for the Council.

He'll be up for it.

Sniffy said...

Of course, buying on tick was promoted heavily by our esteemed government for past 11 years. They're even doing it now - need a loan to pay off your debts? Here have one that'll put the country in debt by THREE TRILLION POUNDS and will cripple the nation for the next two generations.

garfer said...

Am I mistaken or have you recently been splashing the plastic?

I'm looking forward to the bit when they drop cash from helicopters.

Sniffy said...

Yes, I've been spending lots of money because I'm mental. It's a terrible trait of mine. I hate myself for doing it, but I can't help myself. But the end of days is coming and it won't matter when we're all running around the streets killing each other. At least I'll have a comfortable jacket and boots to wear and a nice little camera to photograph it all.