Thursday, December 18, 2008

Do Not Disturb

I am hotelling it at the moment, the expense of which I am defraying by Christmas shopping for items of an inconsequential and paltry nature for my nearest and dearest.

I like the anonymity provided by chain hotels, the sense of living in an enclosed bubble oblivious to workaday concerns. I am firmly convinced that should anything apocalyptic happen I will still be able to phone reception and demand that fresh towels and an extra pillow are dispatched to my room instantly.

It's not quite as good as the Manhattan hotel room where the charming Latino house maid was sensitive to my every need (and then some), but it's still acceptable.

Time is seeping through my pores, and regular meal times and the guilt of sleeping in are a distant memory.


Tazzy and Piggy said...

What are regular mealtimes?

I eat every day, albeit it various times.

But I do it regularly.

MJ said...

Fuck, those poofs beat me to it.

Are you being fed through a tube?

Where's my pressie?

Tim Footman said...

I want to hear more about the Latino maid.

Did she plump up your pillows?

KAZ said...

Is it a motel.
Well I know all about them from Crossroads.

Betty said...

Kaz, I'm pretty sure that it's the Uttoxeter branch of Travelodge, but he's just throwing in all these references to Manhattan hotels and Latino housemaids to make it sound more swanky.

FirstNations said...

did i miss the post about the charming latino housemaid? WHERE IS THE CHARMING LATINO HOUSEMAID POST, GARFY??

peter fallow said...

If you want a free, objective way to check the reception in your area BEFORE you lock yourself with a specific carrier, you should really check out "Got Reception?" (

pissoff said...

Do you have heat?

garfer said...

Tazzy and Piggy

You are a shameless glutton who will no doubt purchase a turkey sufficient to feed 10 people just to ensure that you don't go short, even though there will only be 3 of you.


I am not fed through a tube, although I have been known to imbibe cocktails through straws.

I've got a half eaten kebab from last night in the bin which will be your pressie.


Your reference to plumping up pillows sounds rude in an Eric and Ernie sort of way.


No its not a motel, although the doorman's a bit of a Benny.


Just because you stay in leaky cottages in Devon is no justification for mean minded jealousy.

What's wrong with Uttoxeter anyway?


I refuse to entertain your vulgar prurience.


Heat in what sense? A hand gun or a blonde bimbo?

Please be more specific.

Sniffy said...

I love staying in hotels:

Should I make my bed this morning? Nah

Should I hang my towel up or throw it on the floor so I get a fresh one today? On the floor you go!

Should I leave a load of cash out so I can count it later?

Should I shag the chamber maid?????

You dirty man! That's so brilliant. I might go and stay in a hotel....

garfer said...

Perhaps you should move into a hotel permanently.

You could do a Howard Hughes and grow your fingernails to grow to an enormous length.

Admittedly the club sandwiches would get a bit boring after a while, but you could always phone for pizza delivery.

EmmaK said...

Have fun, just remember to take the bedcover off the bed, those things can be swarming with pubic lice
merry christmas!

FirstNations said...

my prurience is not vulgar. it is beautiful, like a beautiful, prurient flower.

*begins to doubt entire latino housemaid story, nods knowingly*

M said...

where the charming Latino house maid was sensitive to my every need

It was probably the accent. Accent do weird things to us American lasses. :-) Happy Christmas!

The Poet Laura-eate said...

I'm booked in to my favourite Brighton hotel for a weekend in New Year - I greatly look forward to it. Not a faceless chain, but a lovely art deco place where they make their own marmalade and stuff you with such a ginormous home-cooked brekkie you can hardly walk all day! Fabulous place and not even hideously expensive.